The Ring Thing

[thedrifter]

May 11, 2007, 6:00 a.m.
The Ring Thing
We must have marriage.

By W. Bradford Wilcox

This Sunday, neighbors, husbands, and especially children should lift a glass to the mothers who have managed to get and stay married to the fathers of their children. For, despite the fact that single motherhood never seems to go out of style with the media, motherhood typically works best — for our nation’s neighborhoods, children, and even most moms — with a wedding ring.

You will not read any of this in the New York Times, which seems to think sperm-donor-dads are just fine, but married mothers serve our nation’s neighborhoods, children, and even themselves better than any of the dizzying array of alternatives to married motherhood. This truth was abundantly clear to me after surveying the social-scientific literature on marriage and child well-being with 15 other family scholars for a recent report, Why Marriage Matters: Twenty-Six Conclusions from the Social Sciences.

Take crime. Mothers who manage to get and stay married are much less likely to produce boys who end up terrorizing playgrounds, parks, and little old ladies walking home from the grocery store. One recent Princeton study found that boys who grew up in an intact, married family were half as likely to end up in prison as young adults. After studying murder and robbery rates in our nation’s cities, Harvard sociologist Robert Sampson observed, “Family structure is one of the strongest, if not the strongest, predictor of variations in urban violence across cities in the United States.” This is why neighbors should thank the married mothers on their block.

Or take psychological well-being. Children who are fortunate to grow up with a married mother and father are much less likely to find themselves in serious emotional trouble. By contrast, children who grow up without their father are significantly more likely to suffer from depression. And for some children, it gets much worse than depression. In the last half-century, suicide has more than tripled among teens and young adults; one recent Harvard study found the single “most important explanatory variable” behind this disturbing rise in youth suicide was the “increased share of youth living in homes with a divorced parent.” This is why children should thank their mothers for getting and staying married.

Or take a mother’s relationship with her sons and daughters. No one is surprised to learn that divorced and never-married fathers typically have poor relationships with their fathers. After all, most nonresidential fathers do not even see their children once a week. But even mothers are much more likely to have poor relationships with their children when dad is not in the picture. One study found that young adults whose parents were divorced were nearly twice as likely to report that they had a poor relationship with their mother compared to young adults who were raised in an intact, married family (30 versus 16 percent). This is why mothers, who usually make great efforts to have good relationships with their children, should also make every effort to get and stay married.

This is not to say that mothers should endure abusive or adulterous relationships, nor is it to devalue the heroic sacrifices that many single mothers make on behalf of their children. (Full disclosure: I think my own mother did a wonderful job raising me and my sister all on her own.) Indeed, the best social-scientific evidence suggests that children do better when their parents part ways if their relationship is characterized by serious physical or emotional abuse.

But the sad fact of the matter is that most divorces — two-thirds, according to a recent book by Penn State sociologists Paul Amato and Alan Booth — do not involve such abuse. All too many divorcing spouses “grow apart,” take an interest in an attractive coworker, or decide that their personal happiness is more important than the happiness of their spouse and children. And, according to Amato and Booth, these divorces are precisely the ones that are most devastating to the children who have to endure them.

Why does marriage matter so much for children? Typically, two parents bring more social and economic resources to the parenting enterprise than does one parent. Two parents offer one another mutual support, encouragement, and relief when a child is difficult, disobedient, or depressed. For instance, a husband can step in and relieve a wife who has grown angry or exhausted with her children. This, by the way, is one reason married moms are more likely to have children who report good relationships with them; because of the financial, practical, and emotional support they receive from their husbands, married moms are more likely to be affectionate and authoritative — and less likely to be abusive — than are single mothers.

Marriage also binds children to their fathers, who usually find it very difficult to maintain consistent and positive relationships with their children without the support and encouragement of their children’s mother. Finally, children who are fortunate to have married parents who are considerate of and committed to one another enjoy a measure of emotional security — not to mention a model of adult love that gives them hope for their own marital future — that their peers in broken homes do not.

So, this Mother’s Day, lift a glass to dear old Mom, and lift it especially high if she honored the vows she made on her wedding day.

Ellie

[thedrifter]

May 11, 2007, 6:00 a.m.

Misusing Mother’s Day
This should not be an occasion for political pandering.

By Carrie Lukas

There are many things to like about Mother’s Day: tulip bouquets, elegant brunches, and home-made cards from the kids. After all, the idea of honoring Mom for nurturing the next generation is as all-American as apple pie and, well, motherhood.

Yet Mother’s Day also has its unseemly under-belly. It’s not the commercialism of another holiday brought to you by Hallmark, although certainly one can find plenty evidence of consumerism run amok. Dads can be made to feel like cads if they aren’t planning to buy their wives the “Mother’s Day Spa Package,” which, according to Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door, “is everything a mother deserves” and starts at $210. But few families really fall into this trap, and most moms are content receiving cards of pasta glued to construction paper.

What’s really in poor taste are the attempts to use Mother’s Day to push a political agenda. Teresa Heinz Kerry, for example, seized the occasion to pen an op-ed for the Boston Herald, entitled “For mother’s sake, tweak Social Security.” She writes: “Unfortunately there is one entity that doesn’t seem to share this respect for the work our mothers do: the U.S. government and the Social Security system.”

Mrs. Kerry’s chief complaint is that Social Security benefits are calculated based on 35 years of earnings, and since many women take years out of the workforce to care for children, they have several years of “zero” earnings, reducing their monthly payments. Mrs. Kerry offers this tear-jerking policy solution: “We should allow women to drop out the ‘zero years’ instead of telling them that their care for their young children and elderly parents is worth zero when it comes time to calculate Social Security benefits.”

It sounds very nice, but it’s terrible public policy. What would this mean for the millions of single and low-income moms who have to work to make ends meet, paying thousands of dollars in Social Security taxes each year, but would much prefer to be home with their kids? Under Mrs. Kerry’s defined benefit-system, many of these women would get lower benefits than the stay-at-home moms since their extra years of earnings and taxes wouldn’t yield any additional benefits.

Ms. Heinz also ignores the fact that on average women already have higher rates of return on their Social Security payments than men do, and couples with a stay-at-home mom tend to do better than couples in which both spouses work. Undoubtedly, Social Security’s defined benefit-system is inherently arbitrary and unfair: the formula used to calculate benefits ends up rewarding some groups and penalizes others. And married, stay-at-home moms are generally among the advantaged. Social Security provides a spousal benefit, so a stay-at-home mom who never enters the workforce will receive fifty percent of the benefit generated by her husband’s earning history. Working wives, in contrast, get a much worse deal. They get either the higher of the two — the spousal benefit or a benefit based on their own earnings history — which means that many working moms get no additional benefits for their years of work and taxes.

One of the many virtues of creating personal accounts within the Social Security system would be that they would avoid such unfair quirks. At least that portion of a worker’s Social Security contribution that is put into the personal account would fund his own retirement benefits, rather than someone else’s, and with a fair return, too. But Mrs. Kerry would prefer instead to tweak the current system to further favor particular groups like stay-at-home moms. If she looked at the recent report by Social Security’s Trustees, she’d realize that it’s irresponsible to talk about raising anyone’s benefits at a time when the system is spiraling toward financial ruin: It’s the equivalent of a woman demanding her day at the Red Door spa when the bank is preparing to foreclose on the family home. If Mrs. Kerry is concerned about women’s retirement security, she should encourage her husband and the Democrats in Congress to discuss ways to reform the system to reduce Social Security’s unfunded liabilities — something they have steadfastly refused to do.

Mrs. Kerry is just one example of using Mother’s Day as a political tool. Code Pink is holding a “peace festival” with Gloria Steinem to call for an end of U.S. involvement in Iraq. Activities include “speakers, music, arts and crafts and perhaps even imPEACHment pies!” The National Organization for Women’s website urges visitors to honor their mothers by signing their “Mothers Matter and Caregivers Count” petition, which urges Congress to adopt legislation to “increase work/life balance” — code words for more government regulation of the workplace and mandated benefits.

Perhaps it’s inevitable that groups will use any media hook to push their cause. There seems something vaguely sexist, however, in this use of Mother’s Day, which consistently puts women in the position of clamoring for more benefits from Uncle Sam. Father’s Day doesn’t occasion such an unseemly push for favors for men.

Women deserve better on Mother’s Day. No, we don’t all expect full-day spa treatments, but a little respect would be nice.

[thedrifter]

A Mother’s Love
by Armstrong Williams
Posted 05/11/2007 ET

Growing up in Marion County, South Carolina in the 1960’s, I could not at the time appreciate the incredible wonders of my Mother. She never thought she would marry in life and in her 30s was living at home with her Father, Armstrong Howard. My Father, James Williams, had been married to Theola Livingston and had four children. In giving birth to the fourth child, Theola died while in labor. This was January 1957, and my Father desperately needed a wife to raise those four children, and bring stability to the household while he worked the family farm. He knew my mother through her good name and sterling reputation. It was no secret that she was a virgin, and during those days that was something that ladies coveted and cherished. As customary during the time my Father went to my Grandfather and made it clear to him that he was in a desperate situation and was in need of a wife. Grandpa Howard said to my mother: Thelma, I’m not gonna be with you always and someday you’re gonna get old and regret not having children and a family of your own.

Then, having never known each other, dated, kissed or even hugged, they were married one month later in 1957. My mother, Thelma Williams was thrust into an inherited family of four and eventually had eight children of her own, two of which were stillborn. She loved the first four as if they were her own and struggled mightily to provide a loving, nurturing and stable household for our family. Stories like these would be unfathomable today, laughable, but those are the things that our mothers were made of. They saw marriage and responsibility to their children as a duty and a calling: a labor of love. My mother made many sacrifices in the early years of that marriage, never being able to afford the nicer things of life, having to do patchwork and makeshift work to assemble something that looked like a home and often sacrificing herself and her own personal desires for commitment to her family as my Father developed and built the Williams farm. My mother’s favorite refrain was, “Lord, just let my last days be my best days.”

Well, according to the calendar, it’s Mother’s Day again. I’ve written about this subject consistently for the last 16 years. Oftentimes at my home, I invite elderly ladies from the church over for Saturday brunch. The Queen was in our country recently, and we fell in love with her all over again. My connection was that she and my Mother were born in the same year and one week apart. And like the Queen, my Mother has never worn pants, always wears a hat in public and always elevates the dress code wherever she goes. Mom knows how to put those threads together. I also find myself always wanting to give a senior person a hand or give up my seat. Never met a senior citizen I couldn’t talk to and I finally figured out why: because my sensitivity and dedication to my own Mother as she grows old has made me more sensitive and caring toward those in their jubilee years.

My Mother, now in her 80’s, is sweet and adorable and is in much more need of her children than ever before. Yes, she gives the impression that she’s still tough and independent, but the simple things remind me that she’s getting older and that I need to enjoy every waking moment with her. Knowing that we all have an anointed time on this earth I make each day and moment count with my Mother and other mothers that have mentored me along the way. Every morning without interruption, at 5 a.m. I call my Mother and it’s as if she’s hearing from me for the first time. She’s having cataract surgery soon and I made it clear that I would be home to be by her side. Her response, “Son, I sure appreciate it.” The sadness of all of this is that so many sons and daughters these days go through life never understanding what it means to really have loved and been loved unconditionally by the progenitors of our society. The Bible’s definition of love could not have described a mother’s love for her children more poignantly. My siblings and I never have to wonder where our blessing lies in life because just hearing her gentle voice or seeing her caring face is a reminder of all the love we’ve received. In my lifetime, I have seen five of the original seven wonders of the world: Taj Mahal, the Pyramids, the ruins of the Parthenon, the Great Wall of China, and what’s left of the hanging gardens of Babylon. Those are incredible and magnificent creations, but I’ve concluded that the greatest wonder of them all is a Mother’s love.

Ellie

[thedrifter]

May 11, 2007, 7:45 a.m.

Single on Mother’s Day
Thinking about the women who won’t be getting mother’s day cards this year but would love to.

By Jennifer A. Marshall


Despite the bad rap from our feminist foremothers, dreams of marriage and motherhood have in no way gone out of style among young American women. For the past 25 years, nine out of ten high-school senior girls consistently have said that marriage and family are important to their future happiness.

But during these same two-and-a-half decades, the gap between young women’s expectations and reality has widened. Marriage is not as prompt a suitor as it was in generations past: The median age of first marriage has climbed more than four years since those of us in Generation X were born. The proportion of unmarried women ages 30 - 34 has more than tripled. Almost a third of women are still single on their 30th birthday, and many would say that’s not by choice.

That’s a rude awakening for a 21st-century woman who’s grown up in a culture that tells her she can “have it all,” on her own terms, on her own timetable — education, career, sex, marriage, children. A satisfying marriage and family life, however, seems to be the major exception when it comes to having-it-all on-demand.

In fact, getting married and having children are among the few areas of life that may present more of a hurdle to twenty- and thirty-something women today than they did to our mothers. In the wake of feminism and the sexual revolution, today’s marriageable women live in the midst of cultural confusion about male-female relationships and personal fulfillment. The path to marriage and motherhood can no longer be taken for granted — and that presents both a challenge and a tremendous opportunity to sharpen our sense of what makes these fundamental institutions worth pursuing.

Leon and Amy Kass illustrate this generational contrast with a description of their own experience entering marriage in their literary anthology on romance, Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar:

Opportunity was knocking, the world and adulthood were beckoning, and most of us stepped forward into married life, readily, eagerly, and, truth to tell, without much pondering. We were simply doing — some sooner, some later — what our parents had done, indeed, what all our forebears had done. Not so today.... For the first time in human history, mature women by the tens of thousands live the whole decade of their twenties — their most fertile years — entirely on their own: vulnerable and unprotected, lonely, and out of sync with their inborn nature. Some women positively welcome this state of affairs, but most do not, resenting the personal price they pay for their worldly independence.

That leaves marriage-minded women (and men) in Generation X and Y the difficult task of trailblazing through new cultural terrain. But seeking longer and harder should make us reflect more seriously on just why we’re searching and exactly what for. Developing a stronger sense of the true significance of the institutions of marriage and motherhood would be a benefit to us all: single and married women alike, as well as society at large.

Much of the “have-it-all” counsel to young women today promises personal fulfillment through accomplishments. From this perspective, achieving the rank of “Mrs.” or “Mother” is a self-worth enhancement. Marriage and motherhood amount to socioeconomic status symbols, the entry points to a psychological comfort zone complete with man, kids, suburban McMansion, and an SUV for shuttling to school and soccer practice.

Such misconceptions have serious personal and social implications. On a personal level, these can leave single women feeling they’re incomplete today and building up false expectations of post-wedding fulfillment — expectations that, once unmet in marriage, have the potential to turn disappointed women into desperate housewives who feel trapped in a situation they didn’t anticipate. The expectations formed in young women today will directly relate to the strength and stability of marriage and family life tomorrow.

On a societal level, these same misconceptions explain our social confusion about the role of marriage and family in today’s public-policy debates. This is particularly true in disputes over the definition of marriage and divorce policy. Marriage is not primarily a contract for the self-gratification of adults; it is an institution for mutual care and responsibility, particularly for the welfare of children.

In the midst of this confusion, Mother’s Day offers an opportunity for clarity about why we should esteem and seek marriage and family. Mother’s Day is an occasion to honor the institution of motherhood as well as to express our gratitude to the individual women who have lived faithfully in this calling. On this day, we also celebrate the gift of life, and mothers’ role in nurturing and sustaining life. We celebrate human bonding in its most elemental and permanent form. And we praise the selfless virtues that motherhood engenders in women.

When it comes to an agenda for having it all, these pursuits — the celebration of life, the joy of human connectedness, and the cultivation of other-centered virtues — promise to be much richer than competing proposals. They’re not only worthy reasons to aim for marriage and motherhood, but they’ll make the meanwhile worthwhile as well.