Why I like living in the Great American West.
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  1. #1

    Why I like living in the Great American West.

    This pretty much sums it up. A great read in my humble opinion....W


    The division of the human family into its two distinct branches, liberals and conservatives,
    occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then all humans
    coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. A
    thousand generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal evolution,
    beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern
    civilization and the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into
    its two distinct subgroups.

    Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was time
    to settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady supply of
    it ordained the invention of agriculture.

    After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly, and unfairly,
    consigned actual cultivation to women.

    Men couldn't just run off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass
    bottle nor the aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick
    pretty close to home, and the brewery.

    This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and led
    to the division of the species, which persists to this day.

    Some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the
    term "conservative") by spending their days in the open field in the
    dangerous pursuit of big game animals. At night they would roast their prey at a
    big barbecue, and afterwards sat around the fire drinking beer, passing wind
    and telling off color jokes.

    Other, more timid, souls stayed closer to home. They are responsible for
    the domestication of cats and the invention of group therapy. Mostly,
    they sat around worrying about how life wasn't fair and concocting elaborate
    schemes to "liberate" themselves from inequity (thus their designation
    as "liberals"). In the evening they gathered around their fire, nibbling on
    fruit and nuts, sharing their innermost feelings.

    Today some liberals try to pretend they're really sort of conservative,
    and sometimes succeed in confusing people. The following are a few tips
    to use in distinguishing the two types.

    By definition liberals believe in big government and high taxes. Life is
    unfair and the government is there to do something about it. Most people
    are too stupid to spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and high taxes
    allow liberals in government to do a better job of it.

    Conservatives don't like government, and, aside from the military, wish it
    would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and small
    cars.

    Typical conservatives are Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ronald Reagan, Rush
    Limbaugh and, up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the incomparable
    John Wayne.

    Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLaine, Pee Wee Herman,
    Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbra Streisand, Ted Turner and his former
    wife, the traitor Jane Fonda.

    All conservatives drink beer. American beer.

    Some liberals like imported beer, but most prefer white wine or foreign
    water from a bottle.

    Liberals like to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in
    socialist Sweden. They like to eat weird food because it's un-American.

    Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy
    Suburban. It's big, it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it sucks
    up the gas. Conservatives eat beef, which they (surprise!) like to
    barbecue.

    Big game hunters are conservative. Interior decorators are liberal.

    Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it
    wasn't "fair" to make the poor pitcher take his turn at bat.

    Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh Steeler
    linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be required to wear
    skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from real football
    players.

    James Brown and Ray Charles are conservatives. Michael Jackson and Milli
    Vanilli are liberals.

    Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group
    therapists are liberals. Most ranchers, loggers, professional soldiers,
    and steeplejacks are conservatives.

    Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police. Conservatives figure
    the defendant must be guilty or he wouldn't be on trial.

    Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they would
    cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so.

    Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to
    boot.

    Liberals believe Europeans are, generally speaking, far more enlightened
    than Americans. Conservatives think they're basically decadent, as
    evidenced by their complete absence in wars.

    Typical conservative movies are "Raising Arizona", "Patton", and "Conan
    the Barbarian".

    Typical liberal movies are "Prince of Tides", "Last Tango in Paris", and
    "The Big Chill".

    The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides
    how
    much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to make the
    race "fair".

    The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore conservative. A
    hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was trying to find the
    owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands and
    asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where to find your Master?" To
    which the cowboy replied, "That sum***** hasn't been born."


  2. #2
    Too damn funny Bones! I get the tie as well. LMAO


  3. #3

    Thumbs up

    I hear ya, bones! Great read!


  4. #4
    Marine Free Member btrogu's Avatar
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    You foregot about teachers. Most of them, not all of them are liberals. No we don't want war. Maybe they will leave us alone. That is what one teacher said to me at the school I work at. After Sept.11th, we had one teacher decide she was gonna convert to be a muslim. An Italian muslim. Thats all we need. Her name is Marie. I call her muslim Marie. Of course not in front of her. Don't want to be called anti-muslim.


  5. #5
    Registered User Free Member Barndog's Avatar
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    What about we 'Centrists'?


  6. #6
    Registered User Free Member Ken's Avatar
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    I live in a State where the Democrates are requesting minority status and eligablity for affirmative action in the State House. As for teachers, before we went into Iraq, there were teachers back east ridicuing children of service personal, because their parents didn't have the courage to not go to war. THAT ****ed me off. Those teachers don't have the right to teach our little people.


  7. #7
    I hate to see this last posting of Bones's go down. Maybe we could keep it posted up front for a little while.


  8. #8
    Alright, I'll admit it, I missed it. Where'd Bones' go? When's he coming back?


  9. #9
    Good Post Bones, you keep getting it right and that scares me. LOL

    Barndog I want to here more about “Centrists”

    I believe that most people are center more or less, and certain issues will push them to one side or another.

    I’m not a right winger, but my first Voter registration was as a Conservative, and I still classify myself as a Conservative. Guess that’s because on a whole, Conservatives are more aligned to my way of thinking.

    Most Centrists I know drink Manhattans.

    I mostly drink Beer, unless I'm having dinner with a Centrists!


    Semper Fi,
    Bob


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