Advice for my Daughter

[cookingmama]

RCWITT,

I am a Marine wife and have been for 3 years. I hope you do let your daughter read the posts because being a Marine wife is pretty hard. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy the lifestyle and love the experiences and people I meet along the way. I understand that she must love her boyfriend, however, that doesn't mean she HAS to marry him. She should worry about her career and her education FIRST because it will help her and him in the long run if they do get married. When I met my husband, I had my education and my career and was already established and I think that has really contributed to our positive experiences so far.

It won't be the end of the world if her boyfriend is in another state when he gets to his first duty station.

When I was dating my Marine, I used to LOVE going down to visit him during long weekends. It was exciting to have an excuse to go somewhere and visit. Tell her to start classes at a local college, or even one near where he may be stationed (if possible for her to go out of state) and take care of herself and enjoy long weekends with him. That way, they can get to know each other more, and see how the long distance thing works.

The long distance relationship will be good practice for their lives ahead...if he is at Lejeune or Pendleton or 29 Palms (for example) he will probably be deploying at least every year. Some friends have husbands that were just recently been home for 5 months and deployed again for the 4th time! (YIKES).

It can be a lonely life if she marries young and sits around waiting for him to come home all day and throughout entire deployments, but if she takes care of herself, she can make her experiences so much better and she can be independent while having a healthy marriage.

Sorry for babbling, but I really hope she makes a good decision! Good luck!

[alsp5303]

I hope this will be of some help. I'm not a spouse of the military, but i come from a military family and my best friends husband is in the military.

My best friend, who's like my sister, got married in April last year, to her boyfriend who's in the Air Force. They had been together for 2 years. They started dating right after he got out of tech school. They are stationed in D.C. I constantly get phone calls about how much she misses everyone and how homesick she is because it's just her and him. They had to miss christmas this year because they couldn't afford to come home. She had to get a job and quit school because they couldn't afford to live on just his income. He's a Senior Airman, so he makes decent money, your daughters boyfriend will only be a private out of boot camp, if my best friend and her husband can't live off his income, your daughter and her boyfriend would definitely not be able to live off his income. That's just regular day to day life, deployments really test a marriage. Her husband thankfully is non-deployable, he's in the honor guard. but my cousin is a Marine and has deployed twice. His wife has said that it is the toughest thing to go through, it's lonely, especially if you live away from your family. Sure they can make phone calls now, getting to actually talk to them keeps your mind at ease, but its still really lonely and can test a marriage. Especially with them being so young. My advice to her is to wait, they've been together for 8 months? Definitely wait, divorce is nasty, and who know what will happen while he's gone. Feelings change, especially after high school. If they really are set on getting married, then they can wait, if they want to be together for the rest of their lives, they can wait a couple of months until he gets stationed.


I hope that helps, like i said, im not a military spouse, but i've been around it so i know how it affects relationships.

[PaidinBlood]

The Gunny makes an outstanding point on education, and this does not just apply to military spouses. Now in the eleventh hour of my enlistment my wife is pursuing her nursing degree-a dream she has had forever. She sacrificed even more than I did, working long hours as a CNA in nursing homes and hospitals before I enlisted and through the first deployment, then taking "time off" to be a full time Mom, secretary, accountant (for the family!) and cheerleader. She can put together a dress uniform, lay out items for a gear inspection and even roll sleeves in a pinch. She knows all about the red tape and bureaucracy on both the Marine and dependent sides and could probably work for TriCare, the VA or even admin! She is more than I deserve and I am glad she has this chance to finally take care of herself. Should something happen to me, I now know she will have more than just my SGLI payment to provide for her and our children. I just wish I could have found the means to do this for her sooner. Bottom line-there is nothing wrong with being a "housewife"-she loved every minute of it. There is no way to put a price tag on an education however. In addition to the possibility of extra income, each member of a partnership knows they bring their own unique skills to the table and can avoid many common pitfalls of early marriage-from money to just plain respect and appreciation for each other. Kind of started to ramble-hope that made some sense...

[Petz]

she reads your posts doesn't she?

[PaidinBlood]

she reads your posts doesn't she?

No actually she hates this site with a passion.

[DocGreek]

CHRIS.....please tell your Daughter, that as a Corpsman, I personally hold her saftey close to my heart. Tell her to find a SQUID who's older, experienced, and willing to shelter her....if she needs it.....WE make very good STEPDAD'S!!.....DOC

[libohound]

Speaking from experience, here are a few thoughts on your daughter's dilemma:

1) A great deal of your daughter's success as a spouse depends on her husband's duty station. My wife and I were stationed in Twentynine Palms, CA (the heart of the Mojave Desert). While I was in the field training for weeks at a time, she was blocked in by mountain ridges and hundreds of miles of desert stretching in every direction. The nearest non-PX shopping facility was a Wal-Mart about 30 miles away. Needless to say, there was absolutely nothing for her to do, which added a great deal of misery to her shoulders.

2) Her husband's MOS matters to the health of their marriage for two reasons: 1) depending on what he does will dictate how much time they have together. If he's an admin bubba, she'll likely see him every night. If he's a ground pounder, there will be weeks or months in a row where she won't see him or even speak to him via telephone. 2) His job, or more specifically how well his job suits him, will play a major roll in his stress level, his overall happiness, and his behavior towards her. I was under an enormous amount of stress while serving as a Marine grunt and it showed when I was at home with her.

3) She needs to figure out what sort of life she wants for herself and what role she is willing to play in his. It's true that the Marine Corps is a way of life, not just a job. If she wants to develop a career of her own, she needs to understand that as soon as he wraps up a contract, should he decide to sign another, she'll likely have to quit her job and relocate to wherever the Corps deems his presence neccesary. Does she want kids? Is she okay with uprooting them every four years? Does she understand that her life is in direct support of his? There will be little compromising to be had should she choose this road. She and her husband can make plans all they want, but the truth of the matter is that the Corps doesn't give a damn about their plans and will rip him away from her whenever they feel like. Can she handle that?

Of course there are countless other variables that nobody on here will be able to answer, i.e. both of their maturity levels, their abilities to adapt, etc. But what I can say is that from my experience and the experiences of many other young Marines I had the pleasure of serving with, marriage is definitely something that should wait until he's been in for awhile. Once he's been around the block and can make an informed decision, then by all means, get hitched and enjoy that off-base housing, but until then I would keep track of her Frequent Flyer miles, as her best bet is to visit him whenever their schedules will allow.

Here's my story in a nutshell: I left my girlfriend for Marine Corps bootcamp three days after high school graduation. She went to college and flew out from Texas to San Diego every three months on average. (The good thing about the infantry is that they get regular three and four-day weekends, so we were able to spend long weekends together fairly regularly.) After I had been in for about a year we decided to get married.

Three months after we were wed I was on my way to Okinawa, Japan for a 6-month deployment -- that's when the problems started. She had no friends in the area, so she started going out with the other deployed-Marine wives. As is common with most servicemen, they wonder about the faithfulness of their wives when they're away. She would go to Las Vegas for the weekend with the other wives and my imagination would get the best of me. We would get into heated arguments over the phone and ... well ... bad stuff would happen. This laid the foundation for our marriage.

When I returned to the States we continuted to fight. It was usually a case of me taking ass-chewings at work and unable to defend myself due to the rank structure, I would go home and take it out on her because SHE didn't out-rank me (NOTE: I never struck her. All fights were strictly verbal). Also keep in mind that the very nature of the Marine Corps breeds anger. They're taught to be aggressive. Many Marines find it hard to turn that off when they're at home, as I did. As is the fate with many MANY Marine spouses, she became another statistic by having an affair with a fellow Marine.

We finished out my contract and returned to the civilian sector as husband and wife. We continued to fight as civilians because as I said before, the foundation had been laid year prior. We finally ended up getting a divorce about four years after my discharge. I whole-heartedly believe that our divorce is a function of 1) our decision to get married so young and 2) the strain the Corps put on our marriage. This is a very common story around the Marine Corps and equally as common is how like every other young Marine, I was warned and re-warned countless times of the perils of military marriages.

So ... with that being said, I would only insist on one piece of advice -- let him put in at least a year to gauge life in the Corps ... and she should make as many visits to the base as possible ... she she should spend her visits pretending to be a wife and not viewing it through a visitor's eyes. After they've gathered as much information and experience as possible and they've given the decision enough soul-searching, only then should they take the plunge. It will be hard, as long distance relationships usually are, but the truth of the matter is that youthful impatience is their greatest enemy right now. After they've done their research and made an informed decision, if they decide to proceed, that relationship will be 10x stronger than if they just jumped in without looking.

Okay. That is all. I wish them both the most sincere luck.

[Petz]

your story is the reason they didn't let junior Marines Marry unless they had a good head on their shoulders....

they let the counseling go to the way side, and they said they don't NJP Marines 'cause it'll only hurt them in the long run (when they get married without command consent).

everything has it's reason... it's when you try to be "fair" for those few who aren't screw-ups and have good women... well yeah, I'm not going to rant.

I'd also say a lot of the problems were from her getting into long dumb conversations with the other Marines wives... who just like society get dumber the more there are in one room.

they were a bad influence on her, and was probably one of the reasons she considered adultery.

[DobbinsBlythe]

Not to sound like a broken record or anything... check this out:

I'm an Army brat.. so I kinda knew what was going on before I got married. My husband and I dated since I was 16.. but we got married when I turned 21. Boot camp was THE HARDEST EXPERIENCE I HAD TO DEAL WITH IN REGARDS TO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND WE'VE HAD IN HIS ENTIRE ENLISTMENT!!!!!!

I want to get that point to your daughter first thing. You go three months with VERY little communication b/c he's going to be too busy cleaning his rifle and squaring away his crap to write. I got letters maybe once a week b/c my husband (then, fiancee) got in trouble for writing to me in his rack.

2nd... life in the Corps.. if I could describe it for a Marine wife would be:
1. Deployments. You might have five months out of every year you get to spend with your Husband. (that's about what I get.. )

2. Comaradarie (sp?). There are other women out there who understand what you're going through. (but.. keep in mind that there are a lot of YOUNG women you'll be dealling with so if you think you're mature, your peers might not be and DRAMA happens... it's a small Corps)

3. Training. Not you. Him. He will be gone for SEVERAL weeks throughout that FIVE months you might get @ home with him. So take that five months down to about ... 3 or 4.


I can't stress enough.. 8 months for a 17 year old girl might seem like a long time, but you don't even know yourself enough yet much less HIM.

It's been about 7 years for me and my husband and I'm still figuring him out. Lord know's he's still clueless about me.



One more thing... there's DEFINITELY a reason people say "Marine Spouse-the toughest job in the Corps."

[SGT7477]

Not to sound like a broken record or anything... check this out:

I'm an Army brat.. so I kinda knew what was going on before I got married. My husband and I dated since I was 16.. but we got married when I turned 21. Boot camp was THE HARDEST EXPERIENCE I HAD TO DEAL WITH IN REGARDS TO MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY HUSBAND WE'VE HAD IN HIS ENTIRE ENLISTMENT!!!!!!

I want to get that point to your daughter first thing. You go three months with VERY little communication b/c he's going to be too busy cleaning his rifle and squaring away his crap to write. I got letters maybe once a week b/c my husband (then, fiancee) got in trouble for writing to me in his rack.

2nd... life in the Corps.. if I could describe it for a Marine wife would be:
1. Deployments. You might have five months out of every year you get to spend with your Husband. (that's about what I get.. )

2. Comaradarie (sp?). There are other women out there who understand what you're going through. (but.. keep in mind that there are a lot of YOUNG women you'll be dealling with so if you think you're mature, your peers might not be and DRAMA happens... it's a small Corps)

3. Training. Not you. Him. He will be gone for SEVERAL weeks throughout that FIVE months you might get @ home with him. So take that five months down to about ... 3 or 4.


I can't stress enough.. 8 months for a 17 year old girl might seem like a long time, but you don't even know yourself enough yet much less HIM.

It's been about 7 years for me and my husband and I'm still figuring him out. Lord know's he's still clueless about me.



One more thing... there's DEFINITELY a reason people say "Marine Spouse-the toughest job in the Corps."

Very well put and to the point, Semper FI.

[ameriken]

I have only one thing to add to what everyone else has said, and it is with a little bit of different twist: I went in when I was 17 and thankfully, I was unmarried. A young man joining the military gets exposed very quickly to many new tastes and flavors of the world....both good and bad.

Regardless of where he is stationed, and especially if overseas where the separation can be a great distance and a long wait, he could be very far from her and very close to those temptations. Some resist, some dont.

Like I said, I am glad I was not married or committed when I joined.

[lthunder]

I am not sure if this is the place to ask this, but it feels like a place I will get some straight information. My 17 year old daughter is currently dating a 17 year old young man. They have been dating for probably 8 months. He is planning on enlisting in the Corps immediately after high school. My daughter is under the impression that the military will be good for both of them. She is also of the opinion that "a few months apart for boot and school won't be that hard". I have told her that I feel that she needs to wait until after he is finished with boot and school and then get married.
I have never been in the Corps, but have had dozens of friends at Lejeune (I was working a civilian contract out at Courthouse Bay and met a lot of amazing guys over the couple of years I was there). I am an old Army leg. Maybe things have changed, but when I was in the Army (back in the early 80's), the military really didn't seem to want you to have a spouse.
Can some of the wives here tell their story of when their Marine first enlisted and what it was like? I plan on logging in here and allowing my daughter to read the replies.
My daughter is an incredibly intelligent young lady and I know that she will make the right decision for her future (even if it isn't what I feel is best). I'd just like for her to hear from some people who have been there and bought the t-shirt.

Thanks,
Charlie

Listen, anyone above the age of 18 is old enough to fight. Anything above that can marry any Marine they wish. If they wish it, they can get a free Iraq attorney and argue it. If not, they can get any attorney and argue it. The Marines can have what they want...

[Petz]

you sound stupid... I think this guys knows this... he's just looking for information, you don't need to talk to him like he's a moron... he did spend the last 17 years raising a human being.

[PaidinBlood]

you sound stupid... I think this guys knows this... he's just looking for information, you don't need to talk to him like he's a moron... he did spend the last 17 years raising a human being.

Aye.

[Petz]

sometimes it's easy hitting the nail on the head PIB...