The Battle of the Sexes Has Begun

[prmama]

Then again, you look like the perfect male:

[wrbones]

Co-Dependencies

The definition of co-dependency is more of an understanding of a concept. As a result of its complexities, a simple definition is not suitable. However, when one is able to understand the many concepts, then a definition becomes clear. Simply stated, co-dependency/co-dependencies is a pattern of habitual self-defeating coping mechanisms. This is a result of coming out of an alcoholic or drug addicted home or otherwise preoccupied family. In these types of homes there are three messages:

a. don't talk

b. don't feel

c. don't trust

In a healthy family, members can talk, can feel, and they can tell the truth. Living in an environment where one feels as if they're constantly "walking on egg shells" and "waiting for the other shoe to drop" causes a great deal of stress and anxiety. This stress/anxiety is heightened when there are rigid, inflexible rules and belief systems imposed on people trapped in one of these families. As a result, the co-dependent develops habitual self-defeating coping mechanisms in an attempt to survive: such as - my fear of rejection determines what I say or do or, I like to avoid your anger. Further to this, these mechanisms cause the co-dependent to be out of touch with who they are because they have been in a mind altering experience.

Co-dependency is multi-generational and can be present even when there is no active drinking. The alcoholism and alcoholic traits plus the co-dependent's behaviour can be passed from one generation to another until an addiction and/or another co-dependency will develop.

Co-dependency is a disease which has, as its basis, a dysfunctional family of origin.

Who Can Become a Co-dependent?

Where do we need to look for this dysfunctional behaviour of emerging patterns of co-dependency? We will find it in a person who is alcoholic or non-alcoholic who has been adversely influenced by the following people:

a. Alcoholic or drug dependent parent

b. Co-dependent parent

c. The alcoholic or non-alcoholic who has an addicted spouse

d. Someone who has an addicted child

e. A co-dependent spouse

The end result is an inability to maintain functional relationships. In fact, co-dependents don't have relationships so much as they take "hostages". This latter statement will become more clear as we later examine characteristics of co-dependency.

Most co-dependents have been searching for ways to overcome the dilemmas of the conflicts in their relationships and their childhood. Many were raised in families where addictions existed - some were not. Many were later influenced by an addicted or co-dependent person. In either case, the reality in co-dependent's lives is that co-dependency is a most deeply rooted compulsive behaviour and that it is borne out of sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely dysfunctional family systems.

Co-dependents have each experienced in their own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of their childhood and relationships throughout their lives. They attempted to use others, their mates, friends and even their children as their sole source of identity, value and well being and, as a way of trying to restore within themselves the emotional losses from their childhood. Their histories may include other powerful addictions, which at times, they have used to cope with their co-dependencies. The bottom line here is that the addictions that manifest themselves may possibly be, symptoms of a co-dependent personality.

Stages of Co-Dependency

The three stages of co-dependency are as follows:

1. Early: In this early stage, the co-dependent learns how to cope, and here the acceptance of drinking as normal takes place. They constantly try to help out a sick or addicted person.

2. Middle: Here there is habitual self defeating coping mechanisms, when the coping mechanisms don't work the co-dependent does more, takes on more responsibility. They adopt their behaviour to accommodate the heavy drinking. The focus is on the drinking.

3. Control: Here there is total family collapse and family degeneration. There is continual self-defeating behaviour.

The whole process is circular and rotate within the family from person to person. What we want to do in treatment is help each other to get out of this circular motion.

We need to look at stress and how we react to it. Stress is a non specific demand on the body by positive and negative forces. It is not bad by itself and it cannot be avoided, but we can understand the cycle of stress. Initially, an event takes place and we go down and don't cope so we have a dip or a valley. Then when we over cope and later come back down to some sort of normal state, we never reach the same base line again. Something we need to remember is that stress is like the wind, you do not see it, but you see its effects as it passes by.

[wrbones]

Dynamics of Co-Dependents

1. Out of touch with their own experience: They have been in a mood altering experience, and this leads to neglect of their needs. We normally say things such as "I used to do that at one time", etc.

2. Their feelings are discounted: They do not know how they have the right to feel. They show anger a great deal which protects them from exhibiting other feelings.

3. A great deal of emotional pain.

4. Learned not to ask for help: They have overwhelming feelings of being on their own and you should never ask for help because then you really are on your own.

5. Not able to get needs met: Not only are they not able to get their needs met, they can't even identify

their needs.

6. They mistake feelings: They mistake feelings such as control for security, intensity for intimacy

and obsession for fear.

7. They have extreme high tolerance for inappropriate behaviour.

8. Co-dependents feel terrible with their feelings of anger that they need to suppress all the time.

9. They do recognize what has happened to their own health. They believe the alcoholic has the problem.

10. Co-dependents adjust constantly but never make any real changes.

11. Co-dependents are compulsive about pretending: They do not tell the truth, they react constantly to the alcoholic and other people and always put up the front that everything is OK.

12. They get very defensive about trying to control their feelings.

13. Co-dependencies are infectious: Others that are vulnerable will get pulled in easily.

14. They come to know that the reason things are bad is because of them: Co-Dependent Characteristics

a. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.

b. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval by you.

c. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.

d. My mental attention is focused on pleasing and protecting you.

e. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you (to do it my way)

f. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems and relieving your pain.

g. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.

h. Our clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.

i. Your behaviour is dictated by my desires as I feel you are a reflection of me.

j. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.

k. I am not aware of what I want. I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume.

l. The dreams I have for the future are linked to you.

m. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.

n. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.

o. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.

p. I put my values aside in order to connect with you.

q. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.

r. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.

Part of the recovery process is when we can see and acknowledge our behaviour. Be patient, live and let God, and, above all, be good to yourself.

Here are some daily affirmations that will assist in getting in touch with you.

Just for Today I will respect my own and other's boundaries.

Just for Today I will be vulnerable with someone I trust.

Just for Today I will take one compliment and hold it in my heart for more than just a fleeting moment. I will let it nurture me.

Just for Today I will act in a way that I would admire in someone else.

I am a precious person

I am a worthwhile person

I am beautiful inside and outside

I love myself unconditionally

I have ample leisure time without feeling guilty

I am loved because I deserve love

I forgive myself for hurting myself and others

I forgive myself for letting others hurt me

I forgive myself for accepting sex when I wanted love

I am willing to accept love

I am not alone, I am one with God and the universe.

NOTE:

If you find yourself relating to any of the above there is help:

1. There are 12 step support groups in many cities.

2. In Alberta, AADAC holds free information sessions that look into the CODA issue. Call the AADAC recovery centre nearest you and they will be very helpful. The information sessions are excellent!

[prmama]

Your dream girl would scare everyone that contacts u.

[wrbones]

The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous



he relative success of the A.A. program seems to be due to the fact that an alcoholic who no longer drinks has an exceptional faculty for "reaching" and helping an uncontrolled drinker.

The heart of the suggested program of personal recovery is contained in Twelve Steps describing the experience of the earliest members of the Society:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The twelve step program has been used successfully in other areas of human difficulties. This is because it is a spiritually based pragmatic approach to living. These step can be found in your "Bible". What I call the book. It's a little harder to see them in there. Our traditions and doctrines get in the way of the truth.

[prmama]

U talk so much on disorders. How about seeing u for what u r? With the Misses telling everyone that U need to do more.

[prmama]

In reality I c ya begging for someone to help ya.

[wrbones]

...from this point on is only to your detriment. It is not my peurpose to gain the good will of others, however, you are beginning to reveal yourself to them. Many have not been impressed. Please, darlin. Let it go. ...and learn.

[prmama]

U needs someone to tell ya that U been a bad boy or in this case a bad elegrant.

[prmama]

Go into the refig and get urself somthing to drink. Have a cold one for me.

[prmama]

Go to lay down with the Misses. Cause I do believe that she missed ya.

[wrbones]

... I can play "poor innocent me" better than you can darlin. I'm already way ahead of you. Go back and read, dear. I addressed that in an earlier post today.