I just don't know..............

[Osotogary]

HardJedi,
I haven't been down your exact road but my road has been pretty close. I never asked for help. I was too proud. I really didn't have or didn't know or wouldn't allow myself to find or seek help. I knew that medication and alcohol was not going to solve my problem(s). Perhaps it did for others but I decided not to go that route. What shook me up was when I was right smack dab in the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge. I dropped a piece of paper over the side to see the wind currents. Then I started to think. How was I going to go over the side? I'm serious....I actually gave that some thought. Then I thought , Oh, hell, with my luck I'll land in the stove pipe of some luxury liner that was passing under the bridge or...on a sail boat that was in some sort of sail boat race. Then I thought what dive should I do? I knew that I could do a jack-knife but I'd never done one from this distance before. Maybe a jack-knife with a twist? A swan dive? That dive was out of the question. The folks in Acupulco were way better than me. I kid you not, these were the thoughts I was having. Then it came down to ...should I wear a cape? What color and fabic would I wear? Then , and this is the kicker, I decided that jumping was too much trouble and I wouldn't be able to change my mind once I jumped. I realized that my sense of humor saved my fanny and that I was put on this earth for a reason and that I ought to start liking myself (faults and all) plus I owed it to myself to find out what that reason was. I may never know but I'm still here and I am thankful for it. Take care of yourself and utilize your resources.
God Bless you. I know that you will find your peace one step at a time.
Gary

[tasslehof]

Jedi,
may sound trite at this point but I know EXACTLY how you feel brother. I go through it every day. The only thing I ever wanted to do as a kid was to be military....once I got in the Corps I knew that for once in my life I was truly HOME. My life was all planned out..spend 20-30 years in the Corps..get out and probably go into law enforcement so I could still serve in some way.

Well I got in..managed to screw up my back (along with knees and ankles like most of us) and dodged one med discharge with some scripts they had given me and a couple shots of the good stuff before a run. By the time I would return from one of those runs(yeah I made it to the end of it) my room mates would have to help me undress and throw me in the shower I was hurting so bad.

During this time I met a WM that I grew to love more than life itself and got hosed by that deal. Then ended up getting caught by a second med discharge about a year later. I couldn't avoid that one because I didn't have the scripts I had had before so I ended up being put out in Jan of 93.

I ended up seeing it as a failure...my failure. And I still do. I work a job and "live" a life that I never wanted and still don't. Every single day I look at myself in the mirror and firmly and totally believe that I am a complete and total failure. Add that to two failed marriages etc and well...you see where this is going. I only came close to checking out once and still debate the fact of whether my being so Damn responsibility minded was a bad or a good thing that time.

The way I have to look at it is that every day I wake up and go about this life I don't care for is a day that a total failure/loser/POS at least gained some small victory by not making the final failure. The Corps taught us all that failure was not an option to any of us. I just have to try to apply that to living each and every day.

The part that sucks is that every once in a while when it gets really bad I still look at that .45 of mine and wonder...and then put that **** away and get back to making life fail to kill me rather than letting it win by doing it myself.

Take it one day at a time brother...and remember that just maybe your example of living and living well against whatever is thrown against you will rub off on that child of yours. Despite what you and I think and whatever guilt we might have or feeling of failure or whatever we can at least make that old bastard death WORK to get us. And after all...aren't we all taught that making him work for it is a lot better than not?

[Namvet67]

Jedi....do you know how much you are saving...all this excellent advise at no charge. A shrink would charge you a bundle but you can't put a value on these posts. Marines helping Marines!!!!!!

[HardJedi]

WOW! All I can say , again is thanks. It really helps to know when other people feel the same as you do, and share your problems/thoughts.


thanks MUCH for sharing, and the advice and well, wishes.


I have indeed picked up that book, the purpose driven life, about a month ago, just haven't had time to read it yet.


and year, this place does cut down on the ol., shrink bills( although, some posts sure can raise my blood preassure a bit)

Semper Fi' all.

[garryh123]

crap my mind is racing too fast to put the time into reading a book! LOL......I had to go out at night tonight on a resupply mission! On the drive back (only 1 mile)...got hit by a big anxiety attack....not to mention the paranioa....all the headlights flashing by......kept feeling everyone was gonna ram my car.....once i made it back the apt, almost ran inside cause it feels like demons are running up behind...took a couple hours before calming down form the shakes! DOH!.....only 5 days till i see the shrinks...can't get here fast enouh!

[yellowwing]

I think your Philosophy classes are getting too deep in your brain housing! There be more to humans than reasoning: Arts, World Domination, Copulating, Determining who buys the next round! Important stuff!

The day I turned 36 I realized, (based on avg 72yr lifespan), "Hey, I'm halfway done with this!"

Oddly enough it was one of the best days of my life! In the past four years I've done more to make myself long-term-happy, than any other time in my life.

I've made peace with most of my mistakes. I still make them, usually not the same ones.

And I'm doing everything I can to make sure my daughter will never have to go through some of the dark stuff. That in itself is a deal I made with myself to make up for crap I can't undo or personally make right.

Semper Fi!

[greensideout]

"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings of eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:30-31

Look for God's plan in your life.

[B A Hall]

Here is my theriy my father a three tour nam vet,my brother former Marine,me a former Marine,and now my son a Marine.It is hard because I feel that I am not doing my part because my son is going,I have infasemema and a tumor in my right ear.I am so gung ho I hate myself because I am not there,I have had so many thoughts about the things you are thinking but I tell myself we don't kill our selfs and others don't kill us we just go to heaven to regroup.I try to be strong for my other kids and it is hard but I have to show my 3 tour nam father I can get er done.May GOD bless us all and our Troops Semper Fi.God Loves MARINES.

[Osotogary]

Geez, this thread is really "down to the bone". None of us will ever be the same because of it. I just told you all something that I have kept to myself for quite a while and I found comfort in doing so. My little escapade on the bridge, although pivotal, pales in comparison to what I have read. I salute all of you for the fortitude to carry on...no matter what. I've always told people that you may kill my body but you will never kill my soul. After reading everyones entry I believe that I am not alone. It doesn't get much better than this.

[garryh123]

Yup Gary, It's hard to let your feelings known to complete strangers. After chatting with several Marines on this site, I know No Marine is a stranger to me. They are all my Brothers and Sisters. Even you Gary. Right now I feel like tearing my apt up, then it switches to uncontrollable crying. I realize i may be bi-poler. Have a neice and nephew recentally diagnosed with it..Then I believe depression was just thrown in good measures! LOL. Watching some music vids now (Michael Schenker Group 1981)....music allways makes feel better.....it's hard to control the actions of meez brain switching from one extreme to another..the xanex doesnt help much.....drownin myself with booze..thoughts of jumpin off a bridge happen every day..but i know that's to easy a way out....i tough it out every day...sometimes the strain is so hard it wears me out and i just lay in bed all day..it's hard for me to sleep at night because the paranoia..but i know i'll make it till wednesday...seein 2 shrinks......knew i was crazy, just not 2 shrink crazy! LOL

[Mr.Rod]

Any Marine that has been in a combat situation is a little crazy, that's normal. I've been workin with a vet for the last couple months that I finally talked into seeing a Dr. Turns out that he was diagnosed with severe PTSD and being bi-polar. He is now on meds and doin great, but still has a "bad day" every now and then. He says his flashbacks, nightmares and blackouts have all but ceased and he is excited about life now. Guess I'm not that much of a bad apple........

[DEEPJOHN]

Ialways felt that i did not fit into the so called normal world when i returned from viet nam, i am different then all my co workers and friends and family. there are faces that visit me in my sleep they talk to me asking for my help but i cant help them im powerless. i wake up in a sweat and angry because i feel that i failed these faces that just visited me in the middle of the night looking for my help.About 7 years ago i found a group that has helped me to feel that i belong that im no different then others.This group started out on a voice chat room called firetalk,firetalk died,but our group survived. We found another voice chat program called PAL TALK. Everyday our group gets together and we laugh and joke . The men that i have met on there are my brothers i feel closer to these guys then i do my blood family, because they understand and accept this old broke down doc as imperfect as i am.Our group consist of MARINES ARMY NAVY nd yes a few AIR FORCE vets.We are there for each other in the bad times when our past comes back to haunt us,and in the good times.There are members of our group that can advise you about va benfits and tell you about the latest bill that our goverment is attempting to pass regarding our benfits. We have a room on pal talk calleed viet nam vets ,but you dont have to be a viet nam vet to belong .I have a room there called viet vets and bikers COME VISIT US GET TO KNOW US AND WE WILL OPEN OUR HEARTS UP TO YOU AND ACCEPT YOU JUST AS THEY ACCEPTED THIS CRUSTY OLD DOC. WWW.PAL TALK .COM

[garryh123]

Not a combat vet here..almost been sucked down a few F-4 intakes.......my sorrow is inherited...i know...said it before....my mind screams every night..tonight is the last night i am drinking.......gonna just suck it up and suffer till wednesday when i see both shrinks.....god bless all my Brothers and Squids...sometimes it is just hard to hold on

[yellowwing]

What I've been taught by the Elders is contrary to conventional wisdom. When a dog/wolve is attacking you, he is actually trying to extract the 'poison' in your soul.

Sometimes its very confusing. Last night I dreamed about a technology that is still in the labratories.

The dream was that I was in an upscale shushi bar with some business associates. I asked where the rest room was, and the bartender pointed to a mirrored panel.

I pushed the glass panel and found a luxurous glass room shaped like a quarter circle.

While I was looking for the p*ss hole I realized I saw cars pulling up to the parking lot and folks looking at me.

In the dream I figured out that under the leather seat cushion was the p*ss hole. So I positioned myself between it and the parking lot traffic.

Just when I unzipped, I noticed the wall in front of me was clear as day and female coworkers were looking in!

They shouted that I had to press the latch on the door for privacy. I looked at the door and sure enough there was a dog-hatch latch. I clicked it and all of the glass turned solid.

Wierd freakin' dream! That was the second dream I've had about technology that does not currently exist!

Those curuois dreams are a lot better than the nightmares about folks breaking into the apartment!

[Sparrowhawk]

Originally posted by yellowwing
They shouted that I had to press the latch on the door for privacy. I looked at the door and sure enough there was a dog-hatch latch. I clicked it and all of the glass turned solid.

Wierd freakin' dream! That was the second dream I've had about technology that does not currently exist!

Gosh darn those wimen, Yellowwing, even in dreams they don't want to see your little pee pee... LMAO

Sorry bro, but yo posted it.. LOL