Marine Jokes

[Lake0300]

I wanna hear'em all.. anything that has to do with MARINES. No discrimination or racial bigatry (sp). I'll start it off with a joke that was passed on to me from a friend earlier this morning. -Lake

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An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying,"Here I am, God. I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."
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[pfcgreene]

Great joke,
Got anymore?

[Echo_Four_Bravo]

A Marine and a Sailor find them self next to each other in the rest room at a bar in San Diego. When they finish their "businss" the Sailor heads toward the sink to wash his hands, and the Marine walks to the door. The sailor says "Hey Marine, what's wrong with you? In boot camp they taught us to wash our hands when we went to the bathroom."
The Marine replied "That's funny, they taught us not to pee on our hands."

[Seeley]

At the end of the night a Marine leaves a bar, barley able to walk.

Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face, then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.

He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "Not as tough as a Marine, are you Batman?"

[Seeley]

As a group of Marines stood in formation at a Marine Corps Base, the Drill Instructor said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one recruit remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The recruit smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

[Seeley]

Hehehe...

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on U.S. military recreation preferences:

Sport of choice for Marines: bowling.
Sport of choice for Sailors: football.
Sport of choice for Soldiers: baseball.
Sport of choice for Coast Guardsmen: tennis.
Sport of choice for Airmen: golf.
Notice how the farther down the list you go, the smaller their balls get.

[dep_baumy]

One time there was a 2nd grade student who had just got an assignment to write a story, the story needed a good moral behind it so he thought about it for a while. Then he asked his Marine uncle Jim who was in Vietnam for help. So the next day he gets up to read his story and says "my story is about uncle jim,a Marine, he was in Vietnam and his helicopter was going down fast, all he had on him was a knife, his M-16, and a bottle of whiskey. So he quick drank all the whiskey and parachuted out. When he landed he found himself surrounded by 100 enemys, he killed 60 with his weapn, dropped another 25 with his knife, broke the wiskey bottle and killed 3, then strangled the rest with his bare hands." The teacher was horrified and said "good lord that was violent, there has to be a moral behind that story, isnt there?" the student replied "yes there is, dont f*ck with uncle jim when hes been drinking"

[dep_baumy]

Two widows, are talking at the Bowling Alley.

Martha says, "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.

I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. Dressed up like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what's there but a beautiful car. . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!!! Completely crazy. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! He's a retired Marine!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?

Edna: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[dep_baumy]

Lol, this ones a must read.....




News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"

[dep_baumy]

A Taliban Army Platoon was on patrol when the
commander noticed a lone Marine standing on a hilltop
above their location. The commander told two of his
soldiers to go take out the Marine, so they dropped
their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could
toward the Marine. Just before they got to the
top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill.
The two soldiers followed.

For the next few moments there were bloody screams
and dust flying in the air. Then as quickly as it had
started, it stopped and the Marine appeared back on
the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened
his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking
down at the Taliban soldiers.

The infuriated commander called for a squad to go
get the Marine. They promptly ran as fast as they
could toward him. Just before they got to the
top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill.
The squad followed, and for the next few minutes there
were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. When
it stopped, the Marine again returned to the hilltop.
He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover,
crossed his arms and stood there looking down at the
remaining Taliban soldiers.

The commander was really hot now. He ordered the
rest of his platoon to attack the Marine. Determined
that Taliban soldiers were far superior to one
lone Marine, they had blood in their eyes as they
ran up the hill. Just before they got to the top, the
Marine ran over the other side of the hill.
The blood-thirsty soldiers followed. For many
minutes there were horrific screams and clouds of dust
flying in the air. It continued and continued.

When it finally stopped, one lone soldier came
crawling back to the commander, all bloody and beat
about the head and shoulders. His uniform was
torn, cuts were all over his body. The commander
demanded a report. The lone soldier, trying to catch
his breath, replied in a forceful yet trembling
voice, "Sir, run... it was a trick. There are TWO
of them!!"

[dep_baumy]

Sorry to be such a post wh*re, but I've got 100's of Marine jokes, let me know if I should post more.

[Lake0300]

Heres one I'll probably get my balls busted for by Drifter. But its just one I gotta share...

How does a Marine make his d1ck 12 inches long??

Folds it in half.

[usmchauer]

seeley, your first joke had me ROTFL

[dep_baumy]

The Marine General went to the doctor for his annual physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.

[MillRatUSMC]

You want Marine Humor?
http://www.geocities.com/millrat_99/Marinehumor.html
There several on this page.
Might need to upgrade it with more Marine humor...

Semper Fidelis
Ricardo