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06-15-11, 07:36 PM #31
Marinestepmom, there have been some good thoughs on this thread, good advice from Zulu36, Softballcatch23 and others.
Not to sound rude, but you are the stepmom. So often stepmoms see what is in the best interest of their step children different from dad, and I have to say that when stepmoms intervene, it usually, and I emphasize usually results in conflict.
You refer to your 22 year old stepson as a "real good kid." I think I know what you mean, but he's 22, not a kid, but is a man whether he acts like it or not, and if you treat him like a good kid and not a man, he is going to totally block you out. His dad you say has elected to back out and let him make his own bed and lie in it. That may be the best course of action. One method to ensure that he marries this girl before boot camp is to keep trying to get him not to. He will do it just to prove HE IS A MAN!
As far as ADD, not to worry. Organization and structure help greatly with ADD, and shortly he will have a lot of that.
You also mentioned that he is not thinking beyond the honeymoon, but then you say he is living with her at her parents' home. Sounds like they have already had the honeymoon, so this really appears to be more of a situation that he has been accepted into her family for who he is. His potential future in laws probably like him a lot, and he feels that love and acceptance. Marrying the girl to him makes good sense.
As far as the question, should he marry her before boot camp? The answer to a reasoned mind is: NO. Not only NO, but He!! NO. Can you stop him? Probably not. Right now the ones who would have the most impact on his decision would be his peers and most likely Marines whom he would look up to.
My final thought on the matter is I joined the Marine Corps at 17, had a girl friend who was 15. I went to boot camp several schools, and was at my first duty station when I would go home on leave. We dated when I came home. You are afraid she is only the 3rd girl he has dated. She was the first girl I had dated. I made Sgt in 2 years, and we were married 9 months after her high school graduation. We've been married for 30+ years. So, yes, it can work if you wait. If she truly loves him and wants to marry him, it is for life, so she will be there after boot camp, after his training and various schools, and then as another suggested, they can have a real wedding under the swords. If he goes to boot camp and she is not there for him after, then she never loved him and it wasn't meant to be.
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06-15-11, 08:19 PM #32You are going to end up with ulcers if you keep worrying about this kid. Let him continue to do whatever it is that he does, which does not appear to be very much. If he makes it to the yellow foot prints he is in for a rude awaking. From that moment on all the coddleing is history and he will either grow or he will fail and it will be his choice. Your last sentence of the above post is correct. Lots of luck.
Originally Posted by Marinestepmom
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06-15-11, 09:26 PM #33
All of you have provided some very good advice. I pray every day for this situation to turn out however it is meant to, that the chips fall where they may, and that the necessary lessons be learned. I think Nick is in for a very rude awakening when he enters boot camp, but I think he will grow up and mature very quickly. It will be interesting to see how he has changed and how he feels about being married when he graduates from boot camp.
A question: How much does a recruit get paid at the start? Even more important, if my stepson were to get killed (and I certainly don't want to think about that), what kind of widow's benefits would she be eligible for? The reason I'm asking is because my sister-in-law (my husband's sister) is convinced that Nick's future mother-in-law is pushing for the marriage because her daughter will get half a million dollars if Nick gets killed.
I am hoping she is way off base.
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06-16-11, 12:13 PM #34
[quote=Marinestepmom;781573]All of you have provided some very good advice. I pray every day for this situation to turn out however it is meant to, that the chips fall where they may, and that the necessary lessons be learned. I think Nick is in for a very rude awakening when he enters boot camp, but I think he will grow up and mature very quickly. It will be interesting to see how he has changed and how he feels about being married when he graduates from boot camp.
A question: How much does a recruit get paid at the start? Even more important, if my stepson were to get killed (and I certainly don't want to think about that), what kind of widow's benefits would she be eligible for? The reason I'm asking is because my sister-in-law (my husband's sister) is convinced that Nick's future mother-in-law is pushing for the marriage because her daughter will get half a million dollars if Nick gets killed."
It appears from doing some quick searching that the automatic SGLI coverage on the first day is $400,000 - far, far more than when I was in! You know, these things can really get out of hand, making assumption and presumptions, and to make such an assumption would presume a sinster motive behind the marriage, other than two young people whose emotions are out of control.
"I am hoping she is way off base."
Base pay for an E-1 less than 4 months is 1203.90. Now, if he gets married, he is going to have to declare that, because that will increase his pay. How much? I have no idea nowadays. Back when I was in you got BAQ, VHA, comrats, etc., and I don't know what they do in 2011. Maybe somebody else can answer that.
You just gave yourself the best advice yet: PRAY!
Get behind him, show him your love and support, and pray.
You would be quite surprised on T-1 of boot camp at the variety of young men who join. Some are way not ready, others do it for the wrong reason, many to prove they are a man to those who will not treat them that way. The DI's job is to make a Marine out of him! And in the process he will become a man.
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06-16-11, 12:38 PM #35Good points Gunny!! Ma'am the fact that you're on here discussing this whole situation means you know this isn't what's best for your step-son. Is he even talking with his recruiter? His recruiter must know he's not making progress, is not motivated and lacks direction Originally Posted by Old Marine
You are going to end up with ulcers if you keep worrying about this kid. Let him continue to do whatever it is that he does, which does not appear to be very much. If he makes it to the yellow foot prints he is in for a rude awaking. From that moment on all the coddleing is history and he will either grow or he will fail and it will be his choice. Your last sentence of the above post is correct. Lots of luck.
You should ask him to come on here and state his case. He'll get the advice first hand that he sorely needs. Maybe hearing it from Marines who have been through it all might, just might open his eyes
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06-16-11, 12:51 PM #36
You are going to have to sit back and watch the show unfortunately. Don't push him with the whole marraige issue or he will tune you out totally. You say he has ADD. If he didn't report this when he signed up then it will come out later and he will get booted for it. Maybe you should ask him if his recruiter knows he has ADD. ADD doesn't just go away as you probably know. Most Doc's recommend that people stay on med's once they start. Regardless of how old they are. My son has ADD. During the summer I don't make him take his meds but I make him start back up about 2 weeks before school. The Doc told us that even when he is an adult, he will more than likely still need the meds to help him focus. If your stepson has any difficulty focussing now, he will get hammered in bootcamp.
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06-16-11, 05:52 PM #37 Originally Posted by USNAviator
I was thinking the same thing - have him come on here, read these posts, state his case, and then listen!
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06-16-11, 06:53 PM #38 Originally Posted by MOS4429
I was thinking the same thing - have him come on here, read these posts, state his case, and then listen!
Dream on SSgt. not going to happen.
This kid is greasing the skids of failure. He's strapped in and waiting for some one to kick the tires and light the fire
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06-16-11, 07:09 PM #39This. Originally Posted by SoftballCatch23
He will need an enlistment waiver if he marries before he ships. And OP you are exactly right. His life circumstances will change completely, especially since he is going onto active duty. Many women become depressed and feel disconnected when they realize that they have to play second chair to an active duty spouse's commitment. It is indeed a volatile situation. It's wonderful to be in love, but if that is the case there is no reason to rush to make a lifetime committment to someone who is going to be there after a while anyway. I have been where your stepson is and it took a divorce for me to realize that marrying someone in pursuit of a romantacized idea about marriage, and marrying someone because they were my "match" and I wanted to celebrate a lifetime committment to them are completely different realities.
This is just my personal experience and I hope your stepson realizes that statistically, this marriage's chances of survival are slim. The best way to increase them is to wait at least until he arrives at his first duty station and can seek counsel from a seasoned Marine who will be there to mentor him through everything.
One thing you can try is calling his recruiter and telling his recruiter the situation. Numerous times, I have been called to talk to someone's son simply because the dynamic between a Marine in uniform and someone who wants to be a Marine is different than that of a parent/child. to put it another way "Since he enlisted, he only wants to listen to the Marines and he thinks he knows everything."
It's not just our job to enlist young men and women for service. It is also our job to guide them through their transition into our Marine Corps family. It's not just a transition for your stepson either. It is a transition for EVERYONE. The recruiter is your closest expert on military lifestyle, and these types of issues. Don't be afraid to use and abuse him. It's his job, and if he cares anything about the future of his Marine Corps, he will be happy to help.
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06-16-11, 10:18 PM #40
Neither my husband nor my stepson know that I have joined this website, so asking Nick to post his comments is not going to happen. I have no idea if he has told the recruiter either that he is getting married or if he has ADD. I have been tempted to call the recruiter, but if I was ever found out, I'd be seen as a controlling meddler and a lot of people would be very upset with me.
I think we're just going to have to let him screw up if that's what meant to happen and hope for three things: that he acquire some maturity, that he acquire some direction, and that he learns from his mistakes sufficiently so that he doesn't make them again.
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06-17-11, 08:19 AM #41 Originally Posted by Marinestepmom
Sadly I have to agree with you. It's tough to sit by and watch someone you love have to go through hell to learn a lesson but some times it's necessary. Please keep us posted about this situation and good luck to all concerned
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06-17-11, 10:16 PM #42The reason you'd be seen as a controlling meddler is because you'd be behaving like a controlling meddler. The way I see it, this can play out a couple of ways. Originally Posted by Marinestepmom
1) You interfere, alienate your stepson, generate tension in your marriage, and possibly never regain his trust again.
2) You leave it alone. He gets married, it's a colossal mistake, and he learns and moves on. Not a little thing, but not world ending either.
3) You leave it alone. He gets married, it's a colossal mistake, and he never learns from it. He repeats the same kind of mistakes for the rest of his life.
4) You leave it alone. He gets married, they make babies, she loves being a military wife, and they live happily ever after.
The way I see it, two of those work out alright, and two suck pretty badly. However, both of the ones where it works out alright fall under the "You leave it alone" category. Young men make mistakes. I'm sure there is a wealth of mistake making young men who post on these forums, and most of them forged ahead and came through on the other side.
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06-17-11, 11:57 PM #43
I do think it's in everyone's best interest at this point to step back and let Nick make his mistakes and hopefully learn from them. (The ABSOLUTE best situation would have been for him to see that joining the Marines is a huge life change in itself and that adding another huge life change like marriage makes for a very tough road, but it's too late for this scenario.) As I stated earlier, my stepson is very stubborn and is going to do what he wants even if everyone else thinks it's a very bad idea, so the only way this marriage is not going to happen is if he and his fiancee make that decision. Those of us who have been married (especially those of us--myself included--who went through a nasty first marriage) know that even the best marriages can be a real challenge and take a lot of work, patience, and maturity. I don't think either of them has a clue what marriage is about, but I guess they'll find out soon enough.
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07-21-11, 06:43 AM #44
Okay...it's 2 days before the wedding and Nick hasn't backed out yet...but he says he knows he'll be nervous on the Big Day. I am still hoping he gets cold feet and says 'I don't' instead of 'I do'. It's an outdoor wedding and the temperature will be about 95 and humid...maybe this will get him prepared for Parris Island weather (although Michigan's humidity isn't anything like theirs). Anyway, we were at his fiancee's parents' house a few weeks ago to discuss arrangements and both her and her mom were asking Nick when her insurance benefits would start. I have to confess that I've done some 'back-checking' on her parents (I am in a line of work where I have access to a lot of that sort of information) and discovered through that (and being very mindful of things she and her parents have said) that Mommy and Daddy have had financial problems very recently. It seems that Mommy is really pushing for this wedding before Nick's boot camp so that fiancee can get on his insurance as soon as possible and parents won't have to foot the bill anymore. (Daddy doesn't say much. He's the only male in the house--even the cat is a female--and he gets ridden roughshod by Mommy, fiancee, and her two sisters. He's just sort of a fixture in the background.) Mommy expressed disappointment when Nick told her that fiancee's insurance doesn't begin until he's done with boot camp.
Saturday (the Big Day) should be interesting between the weather, the wedding colors (unflattering), and the many faux pas that Mommy and fiancee have already committed. (That's another story in itself.) Nick, of course, is oblivious to all of this.
I have decided to stop stressing over this because I was actually making myself sick. Instead, I am praying for the outcome to be exactly as it was meant to happen and for lessons to be learned as they should. My husband doesn't appear to be stressed, but I know he is. It's two days until the event and he doesn't even know if his suit fits or not and doesn't seem interested in trying it on. (Mommy told him he didn't need to wear a tux like the rest of the guys in the wedding party, because apparently he isn't important enough. He's just the Meal Ticket's dad.)
I am really hoping that Nick gets cold feet, but if that doesn't happen, and he goes through with this, I hope that boot camp will turn this boy into a man and he can see the real picture.
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07-21-11, 08:04 AM #45
He doesn't understand he is setting himself up for a colossal series of mistakes, heartaches, and paperwork... guy in my shop just finally got over a divorce that took him forever to get through...
It all depends on the type of person she is... and he is going to change a LOT....heh, he may appreciate her even more after boot, but who knows... too many variables
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Ghost Of Iwo Jima
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