NROTC Essay suggestions?

[futureMarine319]

hello, i was hoping to recieve feedback on my essay here, i know it seems a bit early- but i wanna do this right. so heres my essay.

[USNAviator]

[quote=futureMarine319;762190]hello, i was hoping to recieve feedback on my essay here, i know it seems a bit early- but i wanna do this right. so heres my essay.

[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']Why I want to be a United States Marine Corps Officer[/font]

Unreadable, sorry. Next time do a preview before you post

[Devil1087]

From what I gathered it was

"hurr mah grandpa was a muhreen"

and "I thunk a lot about it and I wanna be an ossifer"

Are you looking for the scholarship or just to get in? Because that's a pretty short essay. Instead of just saying why you think you deserve to get in, provide examples of why you think you're a good leader. Your story of coming from Russia or wherever could be a good start. How you overcame the odds or whatever in a new country.

I think I deserve to be Commandant, because I'm a good leader. I'm not going to tell you why I'm a good leader though. Thats basically what I see in this.

You are freaking applying to possibly lead 40 Marines into the gates of hell, don't focus on the hypothetical. Focus on your experiences.

[DIBLO7]

First, you really should look at the preview of what your going to post, if you want to get intelligent answers.

Anyways, if what I read through all the code is correct..you're from Russia, you want to pay back you debt, you want to honor your family as your family has done in the past, the Marine Corps will make you better, and you have all sorts of leadership abilities.

If what I've pretty much boiled it down to is correct, your potentially on your way to a decent essay; however, as it stands now it sucks. One, you give surface type answers, dig deeper, what specifically have you done to get these leadership skills? Give an example as to how you've used them, so that the board doesn't just think you blowing smoke up their butt. How does you having a cool past equate to you being able to lead Marines? Like I said, you're essay has potential, but right now all I'm seeing is an outline.

[futureMarine319]

here my essay:
In order to apprehend my reasoning for wanting this position, you must understand my past. In the year of 1997, I was adopted from the destitute Russian town of Kovrov. And when I was adopted from that town, I was consorted to the Promise Land for innumerable immigrants, The United States Of AmericaI am one of the exiguous people who truly realize what it doubtlessly means to be free. I have continuously believed that I am in great debt to my country. Inclining to be a United States Marine Officer is the one way that I can even pay a morsel of my debt back. I was once told of a gentleman on the plane that I began my long journey home on. That gentleman told my mother “he doesn’t realize it-- but he has just won the lottery”.To this day that quote is thought about, and always will be recalled. Even though this is a great reasoning- there is much more to it than just that Another important reason for applying for this position is to bring honor to me, my family, and my country.My Great Uncle, Jim Giess, was an Enlisted United States Marine. To this very day he takes very much pride in his service in Korea, and I wish to feel that life-long pride, and feeling of accomplishment. My grandfather served in the United States Army in World War II, and my grandmother is so proud to say her husband survived an enormous catastrophe- he was stationed in Hawaii and Germany during the war. Alongside all of this- I believe that obtaining the position of a United States Marine Officer will make me a better, more well-balanced person- inside and out. I feel I am capable of accomplishing more great tasks in the future, near and far, just as the two gentlemen mentioned above surely did, by enduring this contenting and meaningful, life-long path.Through the NROTC program, and the all embracing Marine Corps, I hope to create a skill of my leadership capabilities, and to truly earn the trait of respect, for my country and myself. I myself hope to offer my leadership abilities, my hard-earned responsibility, care, and perhaps my well-balanced life, to the Marine Corps. I also feel my responsibility skill level, and overall perseverance based attitude, will make me a good, well-managed asset in the United States Marine Corps.I am what many people commonly referred as a quiet, yet powerful leader. For instance, I lead by setting example. I set an example as an out standing citizen, student, and person of character, in hopes my peers will follow my distinct path of purpose. I am very outgoing, and willing to step forward for my fellow man, whenever the time is necessary. I have used these skills multiple times every day; it truly shows in my academics. In grade school I always took the time to make sure of myself and of my decisions- always took the opportunity to learn and blossom my acquirement to accept new challenges that were placed in from of me. I always intended to associate myself in extra curricular activities such as track and field, study groups, and Community Care, while doing so pertained and used my leadership and responsibility to accomplish the task in front of me. This is the first of multiple measures to acquiring my leadership skills. I also furthered my skills by joining the Cross-Country team. This step surely tested my ability on just how far of a distance I will travel to accomplish my set goals and achievements. I continue to pace and set goals for my future- one in fact of being the Marine CorpsThough I have used these skills everyday- I wish to further my education and perseverance by associating myself with the Marine Corps. I am known for putting my full attention and heart into accomplishing the task placed before me, and I will continue to do so alongside the Corps. I believe I’m doing this to better myself, my distinct personality, and country, all in one. Thank you- and may God bless the United States of America.

[USNAviator]

Just a suggestion but you might want to change "apprehend" to "comprehend", "consorted" to "escorted"

"blossom my acquirement" Not sure what you're going after here

"For instance, I lead by setting example. I set an example as an out standing citizen, student, and person of character, in hopes my peers will follow my distinct path of purpose" Give more tangible examples


" I hope to create a skill of my leadership capabilities" How about using "enhance"

To be brutally honest, I'd scrap what you've written and start over. Keep the sentence structure simple, stay away from flowery words and phrases. Don't you have an English teacher who can proof read what you write?

[awbrown1462]

Cmdr I like what he is trying to say but your right it needs work and looks like it runs all together too

[USNAviator]

Cmdr I like what he is trying to say but your right it needs work and looks like it runs all together too

I agree Allen, he makes some good points but it's just too wordy, too disjointed.

We are giving you some constructive criticism young man, it's not a knock. Try using paragraphs to separate your thoughts. Write it over and come back and post what you have and we'll gladly take a look at it.

[Beltayn]

Don't try to impress the reviewer with flowery language. Stick to concise, germanic words. Give tangible, specific statements about your intent, your reasons, and your experiences.

[futureMarine319]

thank you very much, and constructive critisism is what io posted this for and i will take all the suggestions, and try to transistion better, and organize it better

[USNAviator]

thank you very much, and constructive critisism is what io posted this for and i will take all the suggestions, and try to transistion better, and organize it better

Good for you taking it in the spirit in which it was intended!!!

[futureMarine319]

anytime, im truly thankful for your help! heres the new reveiwed version using your help!
Marine Officer Essay

What makes a truly good leader?

[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']A truly good leader needs to be Honest. Honesty is one of the vital parts of being a leader- it symbolizes trust, and overall- Respect. [/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']A leader always needs to be competent. For one to be competent, you need the necessary ability, and attitude, to accomplish a task strongly and successfully. [/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']Leaders need to be inspiring to their followers, or peers. In other words, they must form a bond, or set an example. [/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']When being a leader, one also must be intelligent. To be intelligent, you need to be able to make good decisions, and carry them out faithfully, and carefully. [/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']The last but certainly not least characteristic is to be forward-looking. To have this, a person needs to be able to plan ahead of time, and always be aware of all possibilities. Presenters, business people, and representatives show these characteristics.[/FONT]
One type person that truly sticks out of this group is The United States Marine Officer. They are all of these things and more. They obtain the highest degree of honor, courage, and commitment, and physical fitness.
For Marines, honor means being held to the highest standards, ethically and morally. Respect for others is essential. Marines are expected to act responsibly, and in a mature and dependable manner (MarineOfficer.com).
Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the ability to face fear and overcome it. It is the mental, moral and physical strength ingrained in every Marine. It steadies them in times of stress, carries them through every challenge and aids them in facing new and unknown confrontations (MarineOfficer.com).
Commitment is the spirit of determination and dedication found in every Marine. It is what compels them to serve our country and the Marine Corps. Every aspect of life in the Marine Corps shows commitment, from the high standard of excellence to vigilance in training (MarineOfficer.com).
Why I want to Become a Marine Officer

[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']These reasons and more are the reasons for my applying for this position. There are many more. But In order to comprehend my reasoning for wanting this position, you must understand my past. In the year of 1997, I was adopted from the poor Russian town of Kovrov. And when I was adopted from that town, I was brought to the Promise Land for numerous immigrants, The United States Of America. I am one of the very few people who truly realize what it truly means to be free. I have continuously believed that I am in great debt to my country. I was once told of a gentleman on the plane that I began my long journey home on. That gentleman told my mother “he doesn’t realize it-- but he has just won the lottery”. To this day that quote is thought about, and always will be recalled. Even though this is a great reasoning- there is much more to it than just that. [/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']Another important reason for applying for this position is to bring honor to me, my family, and my country. My Great Uncle, Jim Giess, was an Enlisted United States Marine. To this very day he takes very much pride in his service in Korea, and I wish to feel that life-long pride, and feeling of accomplishment. My grandfather served in the United States Army in World War II, and my grandmother is so proud to say her husband survived an enormous catastrophe- he was stationed in Hawaii and Germany during the war.[/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif'] Alongside all of this- I believe that obtaining the position of a United States Marine Officer will make me a better, more well-balanced person- inside and out. I feel I am capable of accomplishing more great tasks in the future, near and far, just as the two gentlemen mentioned above surely did, by taking this contenting and meaningful, life-long path. I believe I’m doing this to better myself, my distinct personality, and country, all in one.[/FONT]
What I have to offer

[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']I myself hope to offer my leadership abilities, my hard-earned responsibility, care, and perhaps my well-balanced life, to the Marine Corps. I also feel my responsibility skill level, and overall perseverance based attitude, will make me a good, well-managed asset in the United States Marine Corps. I am what many people commonly referred as a quiet, yet powerful leader. For instance, I lead by setting example. I set an example as an out standing citizen, student, and person of character, by taking every study group opportunity available to me, any chance I get I take advantage of. In school or any other place, in hopes my peers will follow my distinct path of purpose. I am very outgoing, and willing to step forward for my fellow man, whenever the time is necessary. [/FONT]
How I use these skills

[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']I have used these skills multiple times every day; it truly shows in my academics. In grade school I always took the time to make sure of myself and of my decisions- always took the opportunity to learn and blossom my acquirement to accept new challenges that were placed in from of me. I always intended to associate myself in extra curricular activities such as track and field, study groups, and Community Care, while doing so pertained and used my leadership and responsibility to accomplish the task in front of me. This is the first of multiple measures to acquiring my leadership skills. [/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']I also furthered my skills by joining the Cross-Country team. This step surely tested my ability on just how far of a distance I will travel to accomplish my set goals and achievements. I continue to pace and set goals for my future- one in fact of being the Marine Corps.[/FONT]
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']Though I have used these skills everyday- I wish to further my education and perseverance by associating myself with the Marine Corps. I am known for putting my full attention and heart into accomplishing the task placed before me, and I will continue to do so while hopefully serving my country in the Corps.[/FONT]
What I hope to do

[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']Through the NROTC program, and the overall Marine Corps, I hope to enhance all aspects of my leadership capabilities, and to truly earn the trait of respect, for my country and myself. [/FONT]
In Conclusion

[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']I hope to become the honest, competent, forward going, inspiring, and intelligent person that The Marine Corps expects from their officers. Thank you- and may God bless the United States of America.[/FONT]

[futureMarine319]

anytime, im truly thankful for your help! heres the new reveiwed version using your help!
Marine Officer Essay

What makes a truly good leader?

A truly good leader needs to be Honest. Honesty is one of the vital parts of being a leader- it symbolizes trust, and overall- Respect.
A leader always needs to be competent. For one to be competent, you need the necessary ability, and attitude, to accomplish a task strongly and successfully. Leaders need to be inspiring to their followers, or peers. In other words, they must form a bond, or set an example. When being a leader, one also must be intelligent. To be intelligent, you need to be able to make good decisions, and carry them out faithfully, and carefully. The last but certainly not least characteristic is to be forward-looking. To have this, a person needs to be able to plan ahead of time, and always be aware of all possibilities. Presenters, business people, and representatives show these characteristics. One type person that truly sticks out of this group is The United States Marine Officer. They are all of these things and more. They obtain the highest degree of honor, courage, and commitment, and physical fitness.
For Marines, honor means being held to the highest standards, ethically and morally. Respect for others is essential. Marines are expected to act responsibly, and in a mature and dependable manner (MarineOfficer.com).
Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the ability to face fear and overcome it. It is the mental, moral and physical strength ingrained in every Marine. It steadies them in times of stress, carries them through every challenge and aids them in facing new and unknown confrontations (MarineOfficer.com).
Commitment is the spirit of determination and dedication found in every Marine. It is what compels them to serve our country and the Marine Corps. Every aspect of life in the Marine Corps shows commitment, from the high standard of excellence to vigilance in training (MarineOfficer.com).
Why I want to Become a Marine Officer

These reasons and more are the reasons for my applying for this position. There are many more. But In order to comprehend my reasoning for wanting this position, you must understand my past. In the year of 1997, I was adopted from the poor Russian town of Kovrov. And when I was adopted from that town, I was brought to the Promise Land for numerous immigrants, The United States Of America. I am one of the very few people who truly realize what it truly means to be free. I have continuously believed that I am in great debt to my country. I was once told of a gentleman on the plane that I began my long journey home on. That gentleman told my mother “he doesn’t realize it-- but he has just won the lottery”. To this day that quote is thought about, and always will be recalled. Even though this is a great reasoning- there is much more to it than just that. Another important reason for applying for this position is to bring honor to me, my family, and my country. My Great Uncle, Jim Giess, was an Enlisted United States Marine. To this very day he takes very much pride in his service in Korea, and I wish to feel that life-long pride, and feeling of accomplishment. My grandfather served in the United States Army in World War II, and my grandmother is so proud to say her husband survived an enormous catastrophe- he was stationed in Hawaii and Germany during the war. Alongside all of this- I believe that obtaining the position of a United States Marine Officer will make me a better, more well-balanced person- inside and out. I feel I am capable of accomplishing more great tasks in the future, near and far, just as the two gentlemen mentioned above surely did, by taking this contenting and meaningful, life-long path. I believe I’m doing this to better myself, my distinct personality, and country, all in one.
What I have to offer

I myself hope to offer my leadership abilities, my hard-earned responsibility, care, and perhaps my well-balanced life, to the Marine Corps. I also feel my responsibility skill level, and overall perseverance based attitude, will make me a good, well-managed asset in the United States Marine Corps. I am what many people commonly referred as a quiet, yet powerful leader. For instance, I lead by setting example. I set an example as an out standing citizen, student, and person of character, by taking every study group opportunity available to me, any chance I get I take advantage of. In school or any other place, in hopes my peers will follow my distinct path of purpose. I am very outgoing, and willing to step forward for my fellow man, whenever the time is necessary.
How I use these skills

I have used these skills multiple times every day; it truly shows in my academics. In grade school I always took the time to make sure of myself and of my decisions- always took the opportunity to learn and blossom my acquirement to accept new challenges that were placed in from of me. I always intended to associate myself in extra curricular activities such as track and field, study groups, and Community Care, while doing so pertained and used my leadership and responsibility to accomplish the task in front of me. This is the first of multiple measures to acquiring my leadership skills. I also furthered my skills by joining the Cross-Country team. This step surely tested my ability on just how far of a distance I will travel to accomplish my set goals and achievements. I continue to pace and set goals for my future- one in fact of being the Marine Corps.Though I have used these skills everyday- I wish to further my education and perseverance by associating myself with the Marine Corps. I am known for putting my full attention and heart into accomplishing the task placed before me, and I will continue to do so while hopefully serving my country in the Corps.
What I hope to do

Through the NROTC program, and the overall Marine Corps, I hope to enhance all aspects of my leadership capabilities, and to truly earn the trait of respect, for my country and myself.
In Conclusion

I hope to become the honest, competent, forward going, inspiring, and intelligent person that The Marine Corps expects from their officers. Thank you- and may God bless the United States of America

[Lisa 23]

You made the same mistake yesterday.
You really need to use the "preview post" button next time....that's a bit hard to read.

And personally, you could've put this in the same thread you already started on your Marine Officer Essay.

[futureMarine319]

i know i know, but i just revised it, so i hate the hell out of the Font thing!