A woman was trying to do her laundry one day, when her washing machine suddenly broke down. Distraught, she called her husband at the office and said, "Honey, can you please come home and fix the washing machine? It doesn't work."
The angry husband replied, "What do I look like? The freakin' Maytag man?" and hung up. The woman decided to go to the Laundromat to complete her washing.
She got in the car, but when she turned the key in the ignition, it wouldn't start. She again called her husband at work and said, "Honey, I tried to go to the Laundromat with the car, but it wouldn't start. Can you come home and take a look at it?" Again, the angry husband snaps, "What do I look like? Freakin' Mr. Goodwrench?" and hung up.
She decided that the best thing to do is call the Maytag man. The Maytag man arrived and fixed the washing machine. She then asked him if he knows anything about fixing cars. He replied that he knows a little and goes outside and takes a look under the hood. Ten minutes later, he returned and said, "Your car is running fine now. The only thing wrong was your fuel filter was a little dirty."
The lady said, "Wow, you're a pretty handy guy! How much will this all cost?" The Maytag man says, "I'll tell ya what, lady. You can bake me a cake or have sex
with me - your choice."
Later that evening, the husband returned home from work. The lady explained to her husband that the Maytag man fixed the washing machine and the car. The husband asked how much all of this will cost. She replied that he wanted me to bake a cake for him or have sex.
The husband then said "Well, what kind of cake did you bake for him?" The
lady said, "What do I look like? Freakin' Betty Crocker?"
This guy and his newlywed wife go to the Hilton for their honeymoon night. At the front desk, they check in and the receptionist gives the groom the key to the bridal suite. Just then he says to the groom, "Sir, It is now 6 o' clock, dinner will be served from 7:30 onwards."
The groom looks at him and says, "Thank you, but we won't be needing any" and off he and his bride go to the room. The whole evening the people next door the bridal suite are phoning down to the main desk to complain about all the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night.
Next morning at 6am, the groom phones down to room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?"
"Sure, what would you like?" asks room service.
The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast and six litres of orange juice!"
Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you got there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?"
"No that's just for me, can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?"
Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?"
And the groom replies, "No, I have to see if she can eat like a rabbit as well!!"
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, 'I think I can stand over the hole!' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, 'Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the
Blondes upstairs. She decides to get up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's going on up here?" We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says,
"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER
During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS. After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancee wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents' home in the country so they could meet him.
When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival. It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancee was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility. Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all.
When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer's office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding.
"At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate. The big difference would be after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in the Claridge. You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pajamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms."
"You will rap on the door. She will answer,'Yes,' and you will say, 'I offer you my honor.' She will respond, 'I honor your offer.' That is your permission to enter her room. After that, it's honor and offer all night."
Four people are riding in a small passenger car compartment on a long train ride cross country. On one seat, a young, beautiful lady sits next to her grandmother. Across from them, an Army general sits next to his young lieutenant.
The train enters a long, dark tunnel. Suddenly, in the darkness, there is the sound of a kiss followed by a slap! The train exits the tunnel and the four people in the passenger compartment look at each other. Without saying a word, each of them thinks they know what has just happened.
The young lady is surprised, but very happy that the young lieutenant waited for an appropriate moment to kiss her, but she can't understand why her grandmother slapped him.
The grandmother is shocked that the young lieutenant would try to kiss her granddaughter, but she is happy that her granddaughter slapped him.
The General was pleased that his young lieutenant had waited for an appropriate moment to kiss the young lady because he could see they liked each other. However, he couldn't understand why the grandmother had slapped him.
Meanwhile, the young lieutenant sat in his seat, feeling very good about himself. Not only had he found a way to kiss the pretty young lady sitting across from him, but he had also managed to slap his general at the same time!
A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.
All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized. "Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket." So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.
After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for. Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone."
Gawd, I got to stop in here at this thread more often these jokes always crack me up :banana: :yes: :smiley:
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining this to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.
The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started hugging and kissing her I figured 'Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. this is when her fever started.
I knew it was a fever, because 'Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she'd ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down by the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis was brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
Artery.......................the study of paintings
Bacteria....................the back door of a cafeteria
Bowel.......................a letter like a, e, i, o, u
Caesarean Section...a neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan..................searching for kitty
Cauterize..................made eye contact with her
Colic.........................a sheep dog
D&C.........................where Washington is
Dilate........................to live long
Enema......................not a friend
Genital.....................not a Jew
G.I. series.................soldier ball game
Hang nail..................coat hook
Impotent...................distinguished, well known
Labor pain................getting hurt at work
Medical Staff............a doctor's cane
Nitrates....................cheaper than day rates
Out Patient...............a person that fainted
Pap Smear...............a fatherhood test
Pelvis.......................a cousin of Elvis
Post Operative..........a letter carrier
Recovery Room........a place to do upholstery
Rectum....................dang neared killed him
Tablet......................a small table
Terminal Illness........getting sick at the airport
Tumor......................more than one
Urine........................opposite of you're out