thedrifter
03-18-08, 07:41 AM
War adds to strain on military families
MOLLY DEWITT
March 18, 2008 - 12:00AM
DAILY NEWS STAFF
It's been said that the only thing harder than being a Marine is being married to one.
Marine wives Sirrah Bass, Melissa Bell and Kristi Halstead know all too well some of the hardships that come with being married to a member of the military. "When 9/11 happened, I knew that day my life was changed forever," Bass said.
Before Operation Iraqi Freedom began in 2003, life for military men and women and their families was much different than it is now. From re-enlistment bonuses to where the next duty station might be, everything has been affected in the last five years.
"Money to re-enlist was not heard of. When we first re-enlisted, it was for the love of the Corps," said Bass, who has been married to Gunnery Sgt. Michael Bass for 12 years. Duty stations, she said, weren't considered based on their deployment schedule.
"You didn't look at a command as far as when it's deploying. It was more East Coast versus West Coast," said Halstead, who has been married to Gunnery Sgt. Michael Halstead for 11 years.
One of the more obvious changes has been increased deployment schedules. When the United States wasn't involved in a conflict, there was a guaranteed schedule of deployments, Bass said. That's not necessarily the case now.
"We're trying to cram a bunch of forced family memories," Halstead said. "You've got to take pictures of everything - just in case - because there's no guarantee that Daddy is coming back."
The increased time spent training and the months away from home during deployments can wear on a relationship. "I understand why the divorce rate is so high (in the military), because nobody has time with their spouse," Bass said.
Adding children into the military equation proves difficult during wartime, but also during peace time.
"I've always, in our marriage, been a single parent," Bass said. "When the kids are sick, I have to take off work."
During predeployment training and deployments themselves, military parents miss out on holidays and other important times in a family's lives.
"For me, the hardest part is the lack of time my husband can spend with the kids. I'm a grown-up, so I can see him when I see him," Bass said. "It's hard for him because he misses the milestones."
Pre-9/11, military families were able to plan their children without worrying whether the military parent would be around, Halstead said.
The fear that something could happen to your loved one weighs heavily on family members' minds, because there are no guarantees anymore, she said. Before the war and as a new parent, Halstead said she didn't experience the same level of fear - or have to worry that her daughter was facing the same worries.
"You have to figure out how to work around the fear for all of you," Halstead said. "I don't want (my daughter) to have the luxury of thinking (this deployment) is like the other deployments. But I don't want to scare the crap out of her."
Deciding how much information to give to children during times of deployment can be tricky, but they are feeling the effects of the war.
And it's something they had no choice over.
"I made the decision to marry a Marine, but the kids were born into it," Halstead said.
Not all of the changes have been negatives. In the last five years, there has been an increase in the communication technology available to deployed Marines.
"Our first deployment was pre-e-mail. I would wait for that letter that would come maybe once a week," Halstead said.
Now many deployed Marines are able to call, e-mail, send text messages and chat online with their families. The increased use of cell phones since the war began has also made missing the phone call of a deployed loved one less of an issue.
"That sinking feeling (of missing his call) was all the time," Halstead said.
But increased communication, too, has its downside.
"There's times when I feel like you're too much in the know, and it makes you more nervous," said Bell, who has been married to Master Sgt. Darrell Bell for nine years. "Sometimes no news is good news. The less you know the less you can worry about the situation." And the support at home, Bass said, makes a difference.
"9/11 made America wake up and be thankful for their military for the first time in forever," Bass said. "I feel more of a support anywhere I go. Here you drive down the street and three or four different places will have 'Welcome home troops' signs.
"I'm thankful I'm here this time around. I'd rather be here and deal with my military family."
The Marine Corps has also made strides in supporting families during deployments, the women say.
"Now there is a lot more, (the Marine Corps) is really out there trying to let you know what support is out there for you. Now they're more family-oriented," Bass said.
The Corps' Key Volunteer etwork has evolved quite a bit over the past five years, Bass said.
The Key Volunteer Network, an official Marine Corps Family Readiness program, is designed to support units by keeping families of Marines informed about the mission and tasks of each unit.
In the end, when all is said and done, there is that one moment families hope to be able to look forward to: the homecoming.
"Knowing in that crowd of Marines that get off the bus which one is yours just by the way he walks ...." Halstead said. "It's like having a honeymoon years later."
Perhaps the adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is illustrated by the relationships of military members and their families.
"You appreciate each other. You are always reminded of how precious what you have is," Bell said. "You feel complete again."
Marines are often praised for their strength, but their spouses are sometimes proved just as strong.
"You don't know your strength until you've been tested with it," Bell said.
Contact Molly DeWitt at 910-219-8457 or mdewitt@freedomenc.com.
Ellie
MOLLY DEWITT
March 18, 2008 - 12:00AM
DAILY NEWS STAFF
It's been said that the only thing harder than being a Marine is being married to one.
Marine wives Sirrah Bass, Melissa Bell and Kristi Halstead know all too well some of the hardships that come with being married to a member of the military. "When 9/11 happened, I knew that day my life was changed forever," Bass said.
Before Operation Iraqi Freedom began in 2003, life for military men and women and their families was much different than it is now. From re-enlistment bonuses to where the next duty station might be, everything has been affected in the last five years.
"Money to re-enlist was not heard of. When we first re-enlisted, it was for the love of the Corps," said Bass, who has been married to Gunnery Sgt. Michael Bass for 12 years. Duty stations, she said, weren't considered based on their deployment schedule.
"You didn't look at a command as far as when it's deploying. It was more East Coast versus West Coast," said Halstead, who has been married to Gunnery Sgt. Michael Halstead for 11 years.
One of the more obvious changes has been increased deployment schedules. When the United States wasn't involved in a conflict, there was a guaranteed schedule of deployments, Bass said. That's not necessarily the case now.
"We're trying to cram a bunch of forced family memories," Halstead said. "You've got to take pictures of everything - just in case - because there's no guarantee that Daddy is coming back."
The increased time spent training and the months away from home during deployments can wear on a relationship. "I understand why the divorce rate is so high (in the military), because nobody has time with their spouse," Bass said.
Adding children into the military equation proves difficult during wartime, but also during peace time.
"I've always, in our marriage, been a single parent," Bass said. "When the kids are sick, I have to take off work."
During predeployment training and deployments themselves, military parents miss out on holidays and other important times in a family's lives.
"For me, the hardest part is the lack of time my husband can spend with the kids. I'm a grown-up, so I can see him when I see him," Bass said. "It's hard for him because he misses the milestones."
Pre-9/11, military families were able to plan their children without worrying whether the military parent would be around, Halstead said.
The fear that something could happen to your loved one weighs heavily on family members' minds, because there are no guarantees anymore, she said. Before the war and as a new parent, Halstead said she didn't experience the same level of fear - or have to worry that her daughter was facing the same worries.
"You have to figure out how to work around the fear for all of you," Halstead said. "I don't want (my daughter) to have the luxury of thinking (this deployment) is like the other deployments. But I don't want to scare the crap out of her."
Deciding how much information to give to children during times of deployment can be tricky, but they are feeling the effects of the war.
And it's something they had no choice over.
"I made the decision to marry a Marine, but the kids were born into it," Halstead said.
Not all of the changes have been negatives. In the last five years, there has been an increase in the communication technology available to deployed Marines.
"Our first deployment was pre-e-mail. I would wait for that letter that would come maybe once a week," Halstead said.
Now many deployed Marines are able to call, e-mail, send text messages and chat online with their families. The increased use of cell phones since the war began has also made missing the phone call of a deployed loved one less of an issue.
"That sinking feeling (of missing his call) was all the time," Halstead said.
But increased communication, too, has its downside.
"There's times when I feel like you're too much in the know, and it makes you more nervous," said Bell, who has been married to Master Sgt. Darrell Bell for nine years. "Sometimes no news is good news. The less you know the less you can worry about the situation." And the support at home, Bass said, makes a difference.
"9/11 made America wake up and be thankful for their military for the first time in forever," Bass said. "I feel more of a support anywhere I go. Here you drive down the street and three or four different places will have 'Welcome home troops' signs.
"I'm thankful I'm here this time around. I'd rather be here and deal with my military family."
The Marine Corps has also made strides in supporting families during deployments, the women say.
"Now there is a lot more, (the Marine Corps) is really out there trying to let you know what support is out there for you. Now they're more family-oriented," Bass said.
The Corps' Key Volunteer etwork has evolved quite a bit over the past five years, Bass said.
The Key Volunteer Network, an official Marine Corps Family Readiness program, is designed to support units by keeping families of Marines informed about the mission and tasks of each unit.
In the end, when all is said and done, there is that one moment families hope to be able to look forward to: the homecoming.
"Knowing in that crowd of Marines that get off the bus which one is yours just by the way he walks ...." Halstead said. "It's like having a honeymoon years later."
Perhaps the adage "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is illustrated by the relationships of military members and their families.
"You appreciate each other. You are always reminded of how precious what you have is," Bell said. "You feel complete again."
Marines are often praised for their strength, but their spouses are sometimes proved just as strong.
"You don't know your strength until you've been tested with it," Bell said.
Contact Molly DeWitt at 910-219-8457 or mdewitt@freedomenc.com.
Ellie