thedrifter
08-06-07, 06:07 PM
Bourne-again hard
The six habits of highly successful amnesiac assassins
By C. Mark Brinkley - Staff writer
You are U.S. government property.
More than that, you are a $30 million malfunctioning weapon. You are a total catastrophe, but you could whip James Bond at “secret agent Jeopardy!” any day of the week. You are Jason Bourne.
You wish.
Who knew that actor Matt Damon could resurrect a character from a 20-year-old novel and turn him into THE secret agent for the new millennium? Certainly not us. We read Robert Ludlum’s “The Bourne Identity” years ago, but it wasn’t until the films that we truly appreciated the amnesiac assassin.
With “The Bourne Ultimatum” headed to theaters, we find ourselves once again jealous of the international man of mystery. But whereas becoming Bond requires dashing good looks, a license to kill, an expensive sports car and a techno-weenie to build cool gadgets for you, becoming Bourne is just the opposite of all that.
You can be more like Bourne. We will help you. Consider us your personal Treadstone.
1. BOURNE PLANS AHEAD — Our boy Jason has a little something set aside for a rainy day — passports, money, guns — all stashed in safe deposit boxes so that when he needs them, they’re there. You don’t even balance your checkbook.
2. BOURNE PAYS ATTENTION — Situational awareness is not a problem for our boy Jason. “I can tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside,” Bourne says in “Identity,” the first film of the series. “I can tell you that our waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting at the counter weighs 215 pounds and knows how to handle himself.” You can’t call anyone whose number isn’t preprogrammed into your cell.
3. BOURNE CUTS HIS LOSSES — They’re onto your hotel? Run. They’re onto your location? Run. They know you’re in the building? Run. Bourne does not go down with the ship — he lives to fight another day. You are still a Cubs fan.
4. BOURNE HAS GOALS — Our boy Jason has ambition, doesn’t waste time. “They don’t make mistakes,” one agent says of Bourne and his fellow world-class assassins. “They don’t do random. There’s always an objective. Always a target.” Your objective is to watch sweet videos on YouTube.
5. BOURNE SPEAKS THE LANGUAGE — Actually, several of them. This enables him to roam the world freely. You have trouble ordering the Nachos BellGrande at Taco Bell.
6. BOURNE IS IN FIGHTING SHAPE — Our boy Jason ain’t never scared. “I know the best place to look for a gun is the cab of the gray truck outside,” Bourne says. “And at this altitude, I can run flat out for a half-mile before my hands start shaking.” You skipped the gym this morning. Might we suggest going this afternoon?
C. Mark Brinkley was taught the ancient ways by Mr. Bourne himself. Ok, ok, he had Mr. Bourne for 12th-grade English, same thing.
Ellie
The six habits of highly successful amnesiac assassins
By C. Mark Brinkley - Staff writer
You are U.S. government property.
More than that, you are a $30 million malfunctioning weapon. You are a total catastrophe, but you could whip James Bond at “secret agent Jeopardy!” any day of the week. You are Jason Bourne.
You wish.
Who knew that actor Matt Damon could resurrect a character from a 20-year-old novel and turn him into THE secret agent for the new millennium? Certainly not us. We read Robert Ludlum’s “The Bourne Identity” years ago, but it wasn’t until the films that we truly appreciated the amnesiac assassin.
With “The Bourne Ultimatum” headed to theaters, we find ourselves once again jealous of the international man of mystery. But whereas becoming Bond requires dashing good looks, a license to kill, an expensive sports car and a techno-weenie to build cool gadgets for you, becoming Bourne is just the opposite of all that.
You can be more like Bourne. We will help you. Consider us your personal Treadstone.
1. BOURNE PLANS AHEAD — Our boy Jason has a little something set aside for a rainy day — passports, money, guns — all stashed in safe deposit boxes so that when he needs them, they’re there. You don’t even balance your checkbook.
2. BOURNE PAYS ATTENTION — Situational awareness is not a problem for our boy Jason. “I can tell you the license plate numbers of all six cars outside,” Bourne says in “Identity,” the first film of the series. “I can tell you that our waitress is left-handed and the guy sitting at the counter weighs 215 pounds and knows how to handle himself.” You can’t call anyone whose number isn’t preprogrammed into your cell.
3. BOURNE CUTS HIS LOSSES — They’re onto your hotel? Run. They’re onto your location? Run. They know you’re in the building? Run. Bourne does not go down with the ship — he lives to fight another day. You are still a Cubs fan.
4. BOURNE HAS GOALS — Our boy Jason has ambition, doesn’t waste time. “They don’t make mistakes,” one agent says of Bourne and his fellow world-class assassins. “They don’t do random. There’s always an objective. Always a target.” Your objective is to watch sweet videos on YouTube.
5. BOURNE SPEAKS THE LANGUAGE — Actually, several of them. This enables him to roam the world freely. You have trouble ordering the Nachos BellGrande at Taco Bell.
6. BOURNE IS IN FIGHTING SHAPE — Our boy Jason ain’t never scared. “I know the best place to look for a gun is the cab of the gray truck outside,” Bourne says. “And at this altitude, I can run flat out for a half-mile before my hands start shaking.” You skipped the gym this morning. Might we suggest going this afternoon?
C. Mark Brinkley was taught the ancient ways by Mr. Bourne himself. Ok, ok, he had Mr. Bourne for 12th-grade English, same thing.
Ellie