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thedrifter
04-10-06, 07:46 AM
Gripes and Grievences
Written by Burt Prelutsky
Monday, April 10, 2006

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” wrote Charles Dickens, back in 1859. Well, here it is 2006, and I’d say his words are as accurate today as the day he wrote them. For some people, this is the best time to be alive, while, for others, it’s the pits. But for still other people, such as myself, it is, as usual, a matter of trying to uncover a bit of sanity midst all the chaos. Believe me, it’s like panning for gold in the gutter.

I’m reminded that when Irving Thalberg brought the Marx Brothers to MGM, he told Groucho that the reason their Paramount movies, such as “Cocoanuts” and “Animal

Crackers,” hadn’t done well was because there was no let-up to the Marxian madness. Thalberg said that the audience needed a few breaks along the way. It was at Thalberg’s insistence that romantic subplots and musical interludes be interspersed with the hijinks.

The result was that movies such as “A Night at the Opera” and “A Day at the Races” actually made money.

Well, that’s exactly what I need -- a few breaks in the madness. In a world in which Rep. Cynthia McKinney can behave like a spoiled brat, and paint herself as an innocent victim, I can do with a few musical interludes myself. McKinney, who has been elected to six terms in the House of Representatives for no better reason than that she has constituents who are even dumber than she is, wasted no time sharing photo ops with every left-wing black celebrity in America, from Harry Belafonte to Danny Glover. For good measure, instead of simply apologizing to the guard who was merely doing his thankless job, she dealt the race card from the bottom of the deck, demanding that he be fired.

That reminds me how the whole matter of equality in this country has been turned on its head. Whenever I hear about any group, be they blacks, Latinos, gays or lesbians, asking to be treated equally, I just about gag. We all know that groups of any stripe don’t ever want to be treated as equals; instead, they want and demand special treatment.

For no other reason than that they are members of this group, they feel they’re unique and, therefore, entitled. What’s more, they don’t have to do anything in order to prove how extraordinary they are. They merely have to have a certain pigmentation or share a certain sexual proclivity. And, best of all, they don’t have to attend meetings or pay monthly dues.

Next, I’m annoyed by handicapped parking spaces. Now, understand, I don’t object to a few set-asides. What I do object to is that every other person seems to have a handicap sign on his windshield. Few things get me so riled up as driving round and round a parking lot while some joker who walks every bit as well as I do pulls into one of those spaces and then strolls away. If the person driving the car doesn’t get into a wheelchair, I say he should wind up in one!

Speaking of people getting away with stuff, if the Constitution prevents our deporting the corporate CEOs who out-source the jobs of hard-working Americans, the least we should do is publicize who these traitors are, so that decent people can shun them. A good start would be putting their faces on milk cartons and beer cans. If it were up to me, I’d put a scarlet G, for greedy, on their foreheads. Surely I can’t be the only person who thinks there should be a very real downside to downsizing.

Can we all agree that it is the height of hypocrisy when Democrats, who quickly attack right-wing clergy for speaking out on abortion or any other issue of public concern, keep their yaps zipped up tight when ministers such as Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson run for president? And I have yet to hear a single liberal take L.A.’s pedophile-protecting Cardinal Mahoney to task for being such a cheerleader for illegal immigration.

Finally, I’m wondering if I’m the only person who was surprised that scientists recently discovered the fossil of a strange fish-like creature they claim first crawled onto dry land about 375 million years ago. They’re calling it for reasons of their own the Tiktaalik roseae, and claiming it’s the missing link between fish and humans. I don’t mind telling you that the discovery cost me a pretty penny. In the office pool, my money was riding on Al Gore.

Now, do you better understand why I wish there were a break in the lunacy, and Tony Martin or Allan Jones would break into song.

About the Writer: Burt Prelutsky is a humorist, movie reviewer, writer for television series and movies, and author of the new book, "Conservatives Are From Mars, Liberals Are From San Francisco." His website is at burtprelutsky.com. Burt receives e-mail at BurtPrelutsky@aol.com.

Ellie