NROTC Essay

[Zrobe95]

Hello Marines,
I am applying for the NROTC scholarship and there are a couple of essays that need to be written. I am going to post what I have written so far and would very much like your input on what I should tweak and what should be added. The limit is 2500 characters and this is at 1599, I still have work to do but want some input.
Thank you,
Zach

For me, joining the military is more than just molding myself into a better individual. I’ve always wanted to be a protector of this great nation and I see no better way to go about that than as a Marine Officer. Being held to a higher standard and leading the best fighting force America has to offer in order to protect and serve her citizens is something I will take great pride in. The reason for choosing the Marine Corps over the Army, Navy, or Air Force is simply for the esprit de Corps, the sense of belonging in that special band of brothers, the few and the proud. The facts are plain and simple, Marines die but the Marine Corps will live on and so will the deceased, through the men and women who proudly wear that Eagle, Globe, and Anchor today and into the future. Since November 10th 1775 the men of the Marine Corps have fought, bled, and died for our freedoms so we can live peaceful lives without fear. It is my duty and privilege to have the opportunity to live up to their legacies and be the best leader of Marines I can be, to help those who cannot help themselves as they did.
I do not simply want a "life you can hang your hat on". I want to be apart of history, leading men into the fray only to emerge stronger more established individuals, men who would be proud to fight along side me. To be the first Marine pilot in my family is my goal, the start of a tradition . My kids and grand kids will be part of a noble tradition that I had the honor of starting, they will remember me even when i'm gone for what I have accomplished throughout my career as a Marine Officer.

[Zrobe95]

Hello again Marines,
I have my second essay here for you to give your feedback on as well. I would like your thoughts on it, much appreciated.
~Zach
How might your background and experiences enhance the U.S. Marine Corps?

Being the son of a Army Veteran/Police Officer and the grandson of a Vietnam Army Veteran, I have learned that nothing comes without sacrifice. My father has always been very open with me about his military service, he enjoyed it very much and said it was one of the best decisions of his life, he has also never been in combat. My Grandfather on the other hand was drafted into the Army as a truck driver but volunteered for the 9th Infantry Division and fought as an infantryman. He never talked much about his experiences in Vietnam to anybody except me, before he started going to counseling. He spoke of the sacrifices that he and his fellow soldiers had to make, some with their lives. The sacrifices of men in every conflict must never be forgotten or taken for granted. My father has taught me to
I understand the necessity for sacrifice, time management, leadership, and discipline. Throughout my high school career, I have been enrolled in honors and advanced placement classes and have had to devote countless hours to studying those subjects alongside my other classes, continuing well into the night on many occasions. Balancing the academic side of high school with the athletics side was difficult at first, but I soon found a schedule that worked for me and my team while also fitting in time to volunteer at the Veterans Affairs Hospital. Not many high school students can say that they have directed a class room, but I can. As a teacher aide it is my responsibility to delegate the assignment to the substitute teacher when the current one is absent, and to make sure it is carried out on schedule with what the lesson for the day is.

[PNW2011]

K... I'm going to murderboard this. I'm going to be a gigantic ----, sorry, that's kinda how it works. I'm an intel guy, we do this to make our final products better, not to put anyone down.

I gave up on caring about this like 3 lines into it. You wrote some moto crap that you don't really even understand yet, then told me you had a bunch of family in the military, you volunteer at the VA, and you get good grades. There ya go, I just summed up your entire essay.

This doesn't make you look bad, it just isn't anything special. To me it's a lot of fluff and very little substance. Remember to think about your audience and WHO is reading this. Your prompt was, how can you be an asset to the Marine Corps is. To a bunch of Marines, the fact that you sometimes have to deal with assisting a substitute teacher, or the fact that you have good grades means absolutely nothing. Especially the parts about your family's military history. It's nice to know what your background is, but it's not really a vital factor. It's the WIIFM factor, or what's in it for me? You are selling yourself to the Marine Corps pretty much.

If I were you I'd start looking at the qualities the Marine Corps expects from an officer, leadership, self-sacrifice, intelligence, integrity, etc. What have you done in your most likely sheltered and boring life that you can relate or group together to show you posses or have potential to posses those qualities? You mentioned all of this stuff that was taught to you by your father, HOW was that taught? Experience, experience, experience, I cannot emphasize that enough. Get it through your head that you are selling the Marine Corps an investment, they are going to pay for someone to go to school and then become an officer. That is a LOT of money and time they expect. Unless your PFT and ASVAB were maxed out, I'd look this one over. Seems like you've got plenty of time to make changes though, good luck.

[fl1946]

I read your two essays and asked myself, "Why did I read them? You are not running for political office so no BS.

[Zrobe95]

Second essay is currently being revised. Thank you for your comments.
-Zach