Chuckles of the Day...

[mcvet57103]

[Ed Palmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 3522 And you know that, someone, somwhere, would!

Sparkie come to mind

[mcvet57103]

[Ed Palmer]

bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume
to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST. Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

[Ed Palmer]

If you don't laugh at this one,
Then you don't have a sense of humor...
Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be out done the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[tripledog]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'[/font]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'[/font] [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'[/font] [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'[/font] [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']The preacher said, 'No ****?'[/font]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.[/font] [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.[/font] [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'[/font] [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.[/font] [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'[/font] [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'[/font]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'[/font]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'[/font]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'[/font]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus throughHolland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours![/font]

[Ed Palmer]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.


He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk; naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.'

[doc h fmf]

what did the farmer say when his cat got ran over by a steam roller?

HE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING BUT HE SURE HAD A LONG PUSS

[7th Comm Bn]

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Obama appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. The man, undaunted, picked himself up off the sawdust floor and sat back at the bar. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Michelle Obama appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man quipped. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Obama country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

[DanBO]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What's on TV?”

I said, “Dust.”

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. *I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I'd like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. *I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. *The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. *I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. *So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. *You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? *Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! *He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started...

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. *The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. *I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. *I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt”. *So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. *She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants. *You might have gotten disability, too.”

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, “Do you know her?”

“Yes” I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend. *I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”

“My God!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”

And then the fight started...*

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. *The waiter, for some reason took my order first. *“I'll have the steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren't you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. *She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. *I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

The husband replied, “Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”

And then the fight started.....

[Ed Palmer]

[marine1955]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid!.....She bought an air conditioner. "

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of
them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that? "

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no pecker.

[firedog974]

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her
gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

[Ed Palmer]

[quote=firedog974;567937]
Thats either Sparkies or MARINE 84'SDOG