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Thread: Fiance just shipped out to boot
07-12-10, 05:47 PM #1
Fiance just shipped out to boot
My fiance just shipped out to Parris Island today. Left the airport with his family, all decidely depressed and still crying... Myself? I've been wandering around my empty house unsure of what to do with myself. It feels and sounds pretty pathetic but there you have it.
It seems like everything reminds me of him and I just want to break down and cry when it happens. Maybe it's because it's the first day and the wound is still fresh, so to speak. But I need to talk to someone about it. If for no other reason than to get it off my chest to people I know will understand...
I was wondering what good ways to cope with his absence would be. I know that they get 1 hour a day to write but... I don't know how to make the transition from seeing each other every day to writing back and forth every other day. I intend to write him even when I don't get a letter. He actually wants me to do so, which I was happy to find didn't seem overly obsessive...
But this is a question to those of you that have been, are in or will be in the same situation as me... How did you do it? What do you plan to do? Do things even sort of transition back to how they used to be once bootcamp is over? I'm so terrified he'll come back and either a) not be the person he was when he left or b) change his mind about me.
I know I can wait. 3 months ultimately isn't that long. But I also know he's in a lifechanging period of time... I just want to know what I could or SHOULD do?
07-12-10, 06:13 PM #2
Please read the rules of the FORUM
Then fill in your profile. You will get responses. Are you married to this recruit or girl friend? If you are girl friend then you are not his spouse. I don't want to seem crude but there are rules. We need to know who you are. There are any number of entities that try to barge in here and get information about my Marines. You will find that we Marines are very pessive of our Marines.
07-12-10, 06:24 PM #3
Keep your letters positive....
There maybe somethings that you deem important...but there is nothing that he can do about it while in recruit training.
Take care of yourself and stay busy...time flies faster.
Do things even sort of transition back to how they used to be once boot camp is over? I'm so terrified he'll come back and either a) not be the person he was when he left or b) change his mind about me.
He left as a young man and will come back as a man.
You are putting the cart before the horse and jumping the traces....he has only been gone a few hours.
You will have problems of adjustment to military life .... deployments....schools and possibly harms way..... like any other Marine or military couple and family that has went before you.
The rate of separation and divorce is high....however there are many military marriages that do make it and move forward.
This is evident by the high amount of dependents on Marine installations and towns and the high amount of pregnancies.
If your fiancÚ makes it to becoming a Marine....he will have to adhere to the rules and regulations that the military service tells him to do....he may have to leave in the middle of the night and could be gone for six months...a year or longer.
This is the life of the military.....you need to be strong for yourself and for him.
He will change...because becoming a Marine is different than becoming a pizza maker...clerk in a store....or any other civilian jobs....nothing wrong with those jobs they are needed...but becoming a Marine is for life and to the grave.
No one can answer how he will feel about you...or how you will feel about him in three months.....that's life!
The only thing that you can really do is also continue to march and be supportive of his decision. Evidently you were supportive before he signed the papers or you would not be here.
Don't second guess yourself and continue to move forward.
Fill out a profile and change your status until you are married!
07-12-10, 08:22 PM #4
The best way I have found to cope is to stay busy. When we have a longer separation coming up I usually allow myself one day of sulking, being useless, and feeling sorry for myself. Then I get on with life and stay busy. You can learn to enjoy this time apart in a different way, writing letters can be romantic (laugh if you want) and we love having those letters to look back on. When my fiance went through OCS I wrote at least once a day and received 2 letters back. It does not matter just keep writing, even if he doesn't have time to respond he will appreciate having them to read.
When he goes through training and we are separated I always try to keep my letters or phone calls upbeat and make our relationship the easiest part of his day. The last thing you want is for him to be worrying about you.
He will come back different and there is always an adjustment period (fiance was already a Marine when we met, so no first hand experience there). The best thing you can do is be supportive.
Take care of yourself.
(Excuse me if I have posted incorrectly, this is my first post)
07-12-10, 10:47 PM #5Then fill in your profile. You will get responses. Are you married to this recruit or girl friend? If you are girl friend then you are not his spouse. I don't want to seem crude but there are rules. We need to know who you are. There are any number of entities that try to barge in here and get information about my Marines. You will find that we Marines are very pessive of our Marines.
Thank you all for your input. It's very greatly appreciated. It helps just to talk a little bit about him and it and with a little bit more time and calming myself down I already feel better. Very proud of my guy and hope he does well. I just hope I get to be there for the entire ride.
07-13-10, 08:53 AM #6
Well, you're "NOT MARRIED" to him now, so you're NOT his spouse.....plain and simple.
You should contact thedrifter and ask to have your status changed from Marine Spouse to Marine Friend.
07-13-10, 03:28 PM #7
It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be worried. But you need to remind yourself (and it sounds like you are) that you need to support him right now, not the other way around.
First, write lots and lots and lots of letters. Keep them upbeat and supportive. Remind him why he's doing what he's doing, because there will be days he doubts it. It's okay to let him know you're missing him, but remember that he will be frustrated that he can't be there to support you and help you with problems, so don't load them on him. Really, the more you can be there for him and support him, the more he'll appreciate you.
Last year, my boyfriend (yes, I have to change my status, too - they're right, and don't mean it offensively - a dependent is a dependent, and if you're not married, then the details don't matter to the military) Ted was at OCS. He told me after that he looked forward every moment to letters, and they got him through. He'd be debating quitting (as most of them will at some point) and then read my letter and remember why he was doing it. I was nervous, too, before he left about how it would impact our relationship but he's still my Ted. He's an improved version of himself - he's more confident, more ambitious, more driven, more organized. He became a Marine, and I couldn't be more proud. The process also made us grow a lot closer.
07-21-10, 12:02 AM #8
What should you do? Use this period to strengthen your relationship so he knows how much you love him & respect him. DEFINITELY write every day. Tell him about life at home, about what you do, about everything that's going on. It'll remind him why he's doing this, what's waiting for him, remind him of the people he loves. Really read his letters & respond to them.
Other than that, rather than focusing on what you don't have right now (Your fiance around), redirect that energy to a project. Three months is more than enough time to accomplish something worth accomplishing, so find a new hobby, take a class, volunteer somewhere. Use this time to become a better rounded person. If you're going to be a Marine spouse, read up on it - Roses & Thorns, while a little outdated - is a good starter source, as is Married to the Military by Meredith Leyva (The latter is very divisive - people either love it or hate it. But I think it has merit.). No one can tell you what to *really* expect from your marriage, but they can explain some of the nuts & bolts of the military, like some of the jargon, how to read an LES, etc.
"Keep yourself busy" is good advice, although sometimes that's hard to do when you address it as a nebulous idea. Set yourself a goal to accomplish while he's gone & then DO IT. It'll give you an objective that will motivate you to stay busy & focused.
And then write more letters. :-)
07-21-10, 12:54 AM #9
3 months is nothing. He's gonna spend three months in an atmosphere that is so sparklie clean and organized you would be amazed. Come home to a giant mess and he's gonna freak out. Your chance to present the castle to the king when he gets home.
I know you are pacing the floor and worried. That just goes with the territory. Write letters ... be postitive. Give him the gossip as well. So and so's dog just had kittens and a duck landed in the driveway. What ever. As a recruit anything is better than nothing.
If you find yourself in a dear john situation then write it out and don't mail it. Hand it to him when he has accomplished his task of becoming a Marine.
07-21-10, 04:23 AM #10
Amen to that! Make sure your letters are positive and encouraging. If they are soppy letters DO NOT send them that's the last thing he needs to be focusing on. Also just for your information after Boot Camp he will come back for ten days and leave for MOS training for whatever his MOS may be. So look forward to not seeing him for even a longer period of time kapesch?
07-21-10, 04:40 AM #11
Lots of encouragement
He will go through some of the toughest alone time with 60 people you can go through .Send lots of encouraging letters and as often as possible one a day is great.Some people thrive in the boot camp enviroment others shrivel up and won't communicate with others so it is good to keep in touch with them.He will need to stay motivated for boot camp.don't send cards or any contraband because then the Drill Instructors have something to torment him with but sometimes they have a board with girlfriend pics on it called the hog board he may request a pic from you for that .Don't send anything with out sasking first.You stay motivated to keep him motivated it will be over sooner then you think.
07-21-10, 04:46 AM #12
07-21-10, 05:05 PM #13
Oooh, yeah! Don't send pictures or anything else until he asks for them, and then only send pictures that will not get him harassed. Any bathing suit pictures, forget it! I just sent pictures of us smiling, usually just our faces so no one could make crude comments about my body to annoy him. At first I was worried about letters being read out loud, so I was very careful to keep everything PG-rated, but by the end he told me no one had their letters read, so we wrote a little more freely.
Also, I used the time to sign up for Weight Watchers and go to the gym. I'm normally in good shape to start with, but 'domestic bliss' can add a few pounds (especially when you're eating to keep up with a Marine - extra servings anyone?). It really made me feel like I had accomplished something, too.
Any care packages you send will have to be opened in front of commanding officers. Absolutely do not send anything until at least 4 weeks in as he won't be able to get any of it until they have liberty. There are things he will be allowed to put in a storage room until his next liberty, and everything else they'll throw out. I remember I sent him a new pair of khakis (he had dropped a pant size) and two new polo shirts and a new black belt. These are what he will wear on his day off and for "Family Day" before graduation, and new clean clothes can be really appreciated. He also wanted a book to read for a few minutes in the evening, just to get his mind off of things. He requested "The Hobbit". Again, don't send anything until he asks, but this is some ideas of what you might suggest in your letters.
07-21-10, 05:43 PM #14
Calindi, your boyfriend went to OCS, and Meggiekins boyfriend is at Parris Island.....two totally different places. What they may allow you to wear at OCS isn't allowed to be worn at Parris Island while going through boot camp/recruit training.
The only liberty I remember getting in boot camp was the Sunday before graduation, and I was in uniform, and I believe now they wear cammies....no civilian clothes.
As for "family day" the day before graduation, he will be in uniform and will not be allowed to change into civilian clothes.
DO NOT send your boyfriends/husbands any clothing while they are at MCRDPI or MCRDSD....period. They don't need them and will not be wearing them at all.
Just write letters of encouragement and send some basic photos of family and friends. Depending on the Drill Instructors, they will either let you have care packages or they won't, that is if those care packages contain any type of goodies. When my nephew was in boot camp last year (June-Aug), the only things he asked for was vitamin C cough drops, they were allowed to have them, or powder gatorade....and your basic writing materials and stamps. All care packages containing goodies was thrown out.
07-25-10, 05:05 AM #15
Before my son left for boot camp he made me swear to him that I would not send him anything, especially no goodies of any kind. He also told me to only send him letters written on plain paper in plain envelopes, and he told me to make sure that all friends and relatives did the same. My son had the advantage of talking to his best friend (who became a Marine a couple of years before him) before he left for MCRD SD and he knew that all those goodies would be thrown out.
The one thing I did send him along with a letter was a couple of small pictures of his car ... that apparently was OK.
Good Luck ...
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