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Thread: Married 2 years... help
05-04-09, 09:36 PM #1
Married 2 years... help
Okay. So my husband and I have been together for 5 years, married 2 of those years as of April 5. I have a common problem most wives have... Separation. I have been with my husband since his 9th grade year of high school, now we are wanting to start a family, but not too soon. He is wanting a kid by next year. But before we decide to have a family, I want our trust to go up. >.< its kind of hard to trust him, I don't know why. He likes attention. He was attention deprived as a child. As far as I know he has never let another women touch him or anything. Recently he has been telling me "You are not supportive" and I have tried to be supportive. I need some advice from marine wives who have been for a while. I'm pretty sure I am not the only one who has this problem. So how can I show him more love, be more supportive, and stop this speration anxiety?
05-22-09, 02:31 AM #2
I can definitely relate, and hopefully help. This month I will be celebrating my 22nd anniversary alone again. Last year it was Iraq this year it is Afghanistan. But no sob stories here, such as it goes for a Marine wife. My husband and I grew up together and have been married the whole time he has been in the Marine Corps. Here’s the thing, if he needs attention to be happy, a little or a lot of ego stroking, why not give it to him? Everybody needs to know they are important, especially to the ones they love. Aren’t married couples supposed to do whatever they can to please and lift up their spouses? Doesn’t it kill two birds with one stone by doing that? By doing that you make them feel secure and loved by you and you in turn feel secure knowing that they are satisfied and want for nothing and no one else. Everybody likes to know that they are the most important person to the other, I know I do. And I make sure I let my husband know it, and often as I can. Far as trust goes, I know how the mind can run away with you on long deployments so far from home. But think of this logically, do we not have a greater chance to be unfaithful than they do? I mean we are less restricted. They are usually on a base, yes sometimes with women Marines; however, they are watched, closely. And if they even go into each others area’s they can be written up. Besides that what other chance do they have, as compared to us? So really, they are the ones who need to have more faith than we do, on top of all that they already need to worry about. It took me MANY years, 3 wars, and numerous deployments to come to this conclusion, after much worry & much aggravation, and all for what? Hopefully, to now help someone else. Being a Marine Wife is likely harder than actually being the Marine and you nearly never get the recognition for everything you go through or have to do. But I speak for myself when I say I do it for the love of my wonderful husband, and my glorious country. PM if I can help. I’d talk with you on the phone, if you need me. I do understand. God Bless and keep you.
05-22-09, 04:25 AM #3
05-22-09, 09:06 AM #4
If he's never given you a reason to distrust him, then trust him. If a child is in the Plan for you, then it will bring your little family together, as long as that is what everyone involved wants. You may want to wait until you guys are a little more established (career wise) and get to his first duty station, get a feel for deployment tempo, get in touch with the KVN, etc. Hope that helps somewhat..
05-22-09, 09:19 AM #5
Allheart70 brought up a good point, that you may or may not have seen. There is more temptation to be unfaithful for the spouse than there is for the actual Marine. There is more control over the Marine's life, including very strict barracks regulations and things of that nature. In my barracks, for example, we are not allowed to have the opposite sex in our rooms. NCOs are allowed, but they must have the door open at all times.
My point is that your life is much more "free," so to speak. I'm not saying you will be unfaithful, but I'm saying it is easier for you to be unfaithful, than it is for him to be. (I would assume he knows all about this, too, as most male Marines understand it). If he trusts you, then I see no reason why you shouldn't trust him.
Wait, I think this was unclear. Is your husband already a Marine or is he considering joining the Corps?
05-22-09, 09:39 AM #6
Trust in any marriage is important, more so in the service as in most marriages the spouse does not leave for long deployments at a time.. without trust I don't see the marriage working out and it works both ways
05-24-09, 11:52 AM #7
Trust is tops when it comes to things that a marriage is BUILT upon. During deployments, I think EVERY Marine wife gets horrible nightmares about why you can't trust him, regardless of their truth. If you should be able to trust him, it's simple, trust him--HOWEVER sometimes counseling is required. It's difficult to bring children into a warm home when you still have a few kinks to work out. Children bring their own kinks into a marriage. So, if you REALLY want to have kids, my suggestion is to a. Hash it out and get EVERYTHING out in the open, and/or b. Go to counseling.
Too many USMC couples are afraid of counseling, when it can offer such a great new perspective on things. I think MOST USMC Marriages can benefit from counseling--whether it be dealing with the separation, re-adjustment after a deployment, trust, children, anything major like that. Decisions are best met with a clear mind, and if yours is not clear, then you gotta find the best way to make it so.
My 2 cents :P
05-24-09, 12:50 PM #8
I have read & reread this post, & I keep turning it over in my head, trying to find the right answers, & what I keep coming back to is that there simply isn't enough information to give you truly helpful advice. I'm going to break your post into pieces & give you my thoughts & questions as I go along.
I have a common problem most wives have... Separation.
I have been with my husband since his 9th grade year of high school, now we are wanting to start a family, but not too soon. He is wanting a kid by next year.
But before we decide to have a family, I want our trust to go up.
its kind of hard to trust him, I don't know why. He likes attention. He was attention deprived as a child. As far as I know he has never let another women touch him or anything.
I, personally, am pretty hard-line about what's appropriate in marriage, & I don't think that it's appropriate, harmless, or healthy to flirt with people other than your spouse. It begins to blur the boundaries of what's acceptable, both in thought & behavior, & it encourages jealousy (And I come at this from a religious perspective, where the Bible says that love is not jealous, so a spouse should not be doing anything that sows the seeds of jealousy in his or her partner.). You both should be getting your emotional & physical gratification from each other, & this leads into your next statement:
Recently he has been telling me "You are not supportive" and I have tried to be supportive.
The answers to those questions determine the kind of advice that would most benefit you, IMO. There are so many ways that he might feel unsupported that if you are not hitting the right wickets, he'll continue to feel an emotional absence from you while you'll think that you're "trying harder", & you'll both wind up burning out before you make any improvements. How are you trying to be more supportive? Are the things that you're doing the things that you think are supportive, or are they things that he's mentioned, that are meaningful to him? It's easy to look at things through your own lens of wants & needs, but to truly support your spouse, there's a large degree of perspective-taking necessary to meet his needs.
I need some advice from marine wives who have been for a while. I'm pretty sure I am not the only one who has this problem. So how can I show him more love, be more supportive, and stop this speration anxiety?
There's no right answer for every marriage, because you're married to your husband, who has a unique set of needs & desires from anyone else's husband, & to best love him, support him, & trust him, you need to learn his heart & make those needs & desires your first priority, above & beyond anything else in your life.
05-24-09, 05:04 PM #9
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Idena, I LOVE this book and I think that EVERY couple should read it.. actually, I take that back, EVERYONE should read it.
05-24-09, 05:58 PM #10
07-12-09, 09:56 AM #11
07-20-09, 07:35 PM #12
08-09-09, 06:12 PM #13
This is not the first time I have heard some one mention The Five Love Languages. Our marriage counsouler recommended it for us. I have read some of it, and from the little reading I have done it is most likely work it... we personally need to do more reading. There is nothing wrong with going to marriage counseling. The one that we had been going to we actually found through Marine One Source. I felt that hubs was having some anger and PTSD issues so he started going to the guy for that and then we started going as a couple.
What kind of support is he looking for? Are you giving him a hard time about his long hours? Does he want you to go to more of the functions? You need to find out from him what type of support he is wanting from you.
As far as the baby thing is concerned, you need to make sure that you have a strong marriage first. Unfortunately we were kinda like "oh a baby will make us closer." We were SO not ready for a baby. The first year of our sons life was horrible. We were constantly fighting, hubs almost cheating one me, I almost moved back in with my parents. It was bad. You need to make sure you are a strong couple first. A baby brings a lot of stress to a couple. Lack of sleep, different parent styles, feeling like you are doing more work than your spouse. Also you need to be strong about the deployments before you can take a child through a deployment- the child needs you to be strong for them.
08-09-09, 09:14 PM #14
My wife and I have been married for 53 years. We have two grown children, six grand children and four great grand children. I was a Sgt. (E-4) when we married and she was 17 going on 30. We had a lot of rough times money wise until I became a SNCO. She spent 17 years supporting me while I was active duty and stood along side me when I had my retirement parade. Each and every married couple have their problems, so I would guess you two do not have trust in each other. Shame on you.
08-11-09, 11:20 AM #15
This is another great book.
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs
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