Advice for my Daughter
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  1. #1

    Arrow Advice for my Daughter

    I am not sure if this is the place to ask this, but it feels like a place I will get some straight information. My 17 year old daughter is currently dating a 17 year old young man. They have been dating for probably 8 months. He is planning on enlisting in the Corps immediately after high school. My daughter is under the impression that the military will be good for both of them. She is also of the opinion that "a few months apart for boot and school won't be that hard". I have told her that I feel that she needs to wait until after he is finished with boot and school and then get married.
    I have never been in the Corps, but have had dozens of friends at Lejeune (I was working a civilian contract out at Courthouse Bay and met a lot of amazing guys over the couple of years I was there). I am an old Army leg. Maybe things have changed, but when I was in the Army (back in the early 80's), the military really didn't seem to want you to have a spouse.
    Can some of the wives here tell their story of when their Marine first enlisted and what it was like? I plan on logging in here and allowing my daughter to read the replies.
    My daughter is an incredibly intelligent young lady and I know that she will make the right decision for her future (even if it isn't what I feel is best). I'd just like for her to hear from some people who have been there and bought the t-shirt.

    Thanks,
    Charlie


  2. #2
    I neglected to point out above that they are currently planning on getting married before they graduate - so they can have a couple of months together before he goes to boot.

    Charlie


  3. #3
    As an NCO, I have always advise my young Marines of NOT getting married until several years after being in.

    I have seen many divorces with many young Marines.


  4. #4
    If they do plan on getting married his pay won't support the both of them and getting deployed is a quarantee.


  5. #5
    That's right.....tell her she has to factor in the deployment issues of being alone for long periods of time. Life for young Marine's spouses is a very hard and difficult one. I have had many young Marines under my charge tell me of their problems of not enough money...being lonely away from their husbands and wives....infidelity....its even worse when children are involved.

    Do what you can to try and tell her to wait if the boy is dead set on enlisting. These are just the facts, man. Its a very small percentage of marriages that make it through that 1st enlistment if one person should make a career out of the Marine Corps. Good luck to them both....!!


  6. #6
    Like all have said it it not a bed of roses and some make it out to be, It is and will be very hard on them.
    Also what is he going in as 03 or what? Some schools are long and require a lot of studies.
    After his school then he will know where he will be sent also, If it is straight over seas (any where) then at least wait till his return.

    I waited till I got back from VN and I was a L/Cpl then so the money was a little better. Housing is not the easy thing all the time and living off base is a cost in its self.

    Best luck on your choices.


  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by RCWitt View Post
    I neglected to point out above that they are currently planning on getting married before they graduate - so they can have a couple of months together before he goes to boot.

    Charlie
    Bootcamp is just the beginning.
    He will deploy, it's the way it is.

    If its love she will be willing to wait.


  8. #8
    I think that they should hold off for a few years. Neither of them understand how the military lifestyle will affect their marriage yet. He is likely to get deployed, and when that happens, their marriage will be tested. I have seen too many marriages end this very way. The smart thing to do would be to wait. She may think that everything will turn out fine now, but she will find herself in a mess when a deployment comes around and his commitment shifts from her to the Corps.


  9. #9
    Marine Spouse Free Member mdb0227's Avatar
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    Hi, Im not a wife just yet but soon to be. We have been together 3 years and he has been in for 6 months(still new) I have a year and half left of college and we plan on getting married after his first deployment/After I graduate. It is hard, and i definately think waiting is the best thing to do. Like all of these men have said, too often couples jump into things too quickly and it takes a turn for the worse. But they are both very young are new to their relationship. I've seen it a lot and I've only been apart of this for a short period of time.

    In my opinion, as a woman, its necessary for me to have my degree, to have that great accomplishment and be able to support myself in the event something happens I won't be stuck. If she plans on college stress that to her, because living on his salary alone wouldn't cut it.

    All in all, just because they get married, doesn't necessarily mean all will be sunshine and rainbows. It's hard, and it sucks more than she can fathom... no sugar coating here. But if they love eachother they can wait it out and make sure that it is going to work out before taking that big step. You have to know the relationship is solid and can with stand the worst.


    Hope that helps, best of luck.


  10. #10
    Marine Free Member PaidinBlood's Avatar
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    I wish you the best of luck, sir, but nothing we say will change your daughter's mind-or yours. Bottom line is that it will work or it won't. All you're trying to do is protect her (understandably so!) from any extra grief in the process. Whether they make it 50 years or 5 more weeks our Corps doesn't have a thing to do with it. Everybody fusses over "compatibility" instead of COMMITMENT these days. I am no expert-only been married just over 3 years now. We tied the knot weeks before my first deployment. Two deployments, one child and a few months to the next one we are stronger than ever. It is what they make of it.

    The question is once they decide will you still support them? MY kid barely talks-I've thus far been spared these hard decisions. I do know that family friction and money problems can kill a fledgling marriage faster than deployments... As for the money angle, I was legally single, sending home most of my money to cover the apartment and bills and I still managed to get drunk and stay out of debt. The Corps takes care of its' married Marines but only if they know how to use it. Best of luck to you and yours..


  11. #11
    My wife has something to say,
    "As a marine wife, I have to say that marriage was the best and toughest decision I've ever made...But what is love? Sacrificing for the other! They can make it work, and they will make it work if they love each other enough. Nobodies advice will change that.

    So what if they are young...I am only 19 but in process of premed and should be heading to med school in about 1 and 1/2 years. Marriage isn't the end of life, it's the beginning. The question is, whether the love is genuine and whether they bring out the best in each other? Will that other person help you achieve your dreams?

    No pep talks with anyone will prepare her mentally for the military wife lifestyle. It is just something you have to experience and go through yourself. But I say if it's the real deal, and you know you want to make it work...Then go for it! 50% of marriages in America end in divorce, what difference does it make whether your military or not? If you can handle forever then do it!"


  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by RCWitt View Post
    I neglected to point out above that they are currently planning on getting married before they graduate - so they can have a couple of months together before he goes to boot.

    Charlie

    a young devil dog of mine got married to his high school sweet-heart... he took her to pendleton and maybe 6 months later he deployed with us to Iraq... he left 3 weeks into the deployment because she met some unsavory guys, started screwing a few others (the housing was condo style where they shared a wall and the neigbors could hear) and started stashing kilos of cocaine for another guy... needless to say the young baby they had, that she was responsible for was probably getting neglected... there was animal fecices in the baby's room (animals are not allowed in base housing) and when the military police showed up after following the adultress (the unit found out from a spouse of another Marine in the same unit who heard the sexing of the hoe) and her men... who they id'd for known drug dealing and smuggling... so she got tipped off and she left before they found the 2 kilos in the freezer (as you may know military police can't arrest a civilian for adultery... they don't fall under the UCMJ) at which point they could only assume it was the husbands.

    he was cleared when evidence showed the wife was responsible... the child is now in the fathers care and he got out after his 4 years.

    this is my recommendation to your daughter (I have a 2 year old so I'm thinking a lot about this now), she should wait until he gets to his permanant duty station... if she still feels something for him then, go ahead and do a long distance relationship with the thought that he's probably sleeping with other girls... if you're still to naive and feel it needs to goto the next level then you have my support, but be ready to kick him in the balls and take him for everything he's got when you find out he's cheating on you after you're married... at which point you are welcome to come back home and tell me I was right from the begining....


    so yeah, hope that helps.

    semper good luck.


    EDIT: make them both read the book call "the five languages of love" before they get married... that'll make sure something good happens if they do.... it'll at least make them understand each other better. it's standard marriage counseling literature.


  13. #13
    Marine Family Free Member
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    Charlie,

    I too have seventeen year old daughter whose boyfriend has enlisted and is leaving soon - for an infantry MOS. My daughter is in her first semester of college and plans to enlist herself when she is eighteen.

    As a couple, they have surprised me with the closeness they have maintained for over two years - even after she moved fifty miles away...

    Last week, I told her that I expected that any man would ask me before proposing to her; her boyfriend has shown himself to be an honorable boy for over two years. And I told her that if he asks me, I will say "Yes."

    Absolutely -- but he must wait until he has completed his first four years. That would be best for both of them.

    Meanwhile, I have a brother who is in Iraq for the tenth time -(A hero for my children and largely the reason that I have two sons in Boot Camp right now) who will be taking care of tying up the ends of his failed marriage to a girl our family adores...they wed shortly before his first deployment to Mesopotamia.

    I married at eighteen. I wish that I had a father who had quietly counseled me, by inviting a community to share experience, not just words.

    Your daughter may make the wrong decision, Charlie.

    That's life.



  14. #14
    I ended up marrying my high school sweetheart AFTER I got out of the service.

    For 5 years, we maintained a long distance relationship.

    Every night consisted of a 2 hour conversation, every leave was spent with her and her family

    I trusted her completely, I knew she was not cheating on me, because I know her family very well, including her mom.

    After 4 years I asked her to marry me, and after I got out of the service I married her.

    We are about to celebrate our 1st anniversary in March and our baby is due in April.

    I would recommend your daughter wait for a couple years. Especially if he is going to go 03xx, their lives are going to be very tough.


  15. #15
    They are young and have their entire lives ahead of them. Don't rush it. If this is true love then they can hold out for a couple more years until he picks up some rank and has a better idea if he wants to stick around for more than just his first enlistment. As mentioned by many others, marriage can be difficult in the Corps. I served over 20 years and ended my career on my second marriage. During my time in, I saw countless numbers of young Marines getting married and divorced during their first enlistment. Some where even married for 3 or more years but the deployments finally took there toll. The deployments are tougher on the spouses than on the Marines. Being seperated by 50 miles isn't anything. Hell, 500 miles isn't anything. Seperated by the big pond and being in a stressful environment..... know your talking about STRESS on the spouses end. They worry all the time and sometimes go looking for friends. Some of those "friends" are just looking for their next "action". Not saying any of this will happen to them if they get married but just an observation of mine for over 20 years.

    If they do get married before he takes off, she should consider staying at home and going to college while he is going through schools and possibly deploying within his first year. Her education needs to be high on her list of "to do" items. If they get married and she moves to where-ever, then her education is what will get her a decent job. There are way to many wifes out there that don't have an education and they are all working the average jobs. Some of the more "rewarded" jobs are available because of the lack of educated people.


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