Sounds Familar to me

[thedrifter]

Sounds Familar to me


"Holloway, COL James" wrote:
>
> > Things to do for a smooth transition, once you find out when you're
> > deploying:
> >
> > Sleep on a cot in the garage.
> >
> > Replace the garage door with a wool army blanket.
> >
> > Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip
> > open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble, "Sorry,
> > wrong cot."
> >
> > Renovate your bathroom. Hang a white plastic sheet down from the
> > middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level.
> > Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself.
> > Leave 2 to 3 sheets of toilet paper on roll, just the roll, or for
> > best effect, remove it altogether. Turn off the water when your bodily
> > needs are the most urgent.
> >
> > When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.
> >
> > Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit on a pile of rocks and
> > sprinkle dirt on your head.
> >
> > Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH"
> > for that tactical generator smell.
> >
> > Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have
> > your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different
> > one.
> >
> > Leave a lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day for the
> > proper noise level.
> >
> > Have the paper boy give you a haircut.
> >
> > Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure
> > the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house.
> > Laugh at him when he curses you.
> >
> > Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in
> > the other side of your bathtub. When it become too much set it on fire
> > in the backyard.
> >
> > Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly or
> > tuna fish sandwich on a saltine cracker.
> >
> > Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your
> > food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an
> > unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.
> >
> > Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When
> > it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can.
> >
> > Shower with all your neighbors standing within a 20 ft radius. Turn
> > your cold water off and turn the hot water up. Use no more than 1
> > gallon of water. Brush your teeth with water from a canteen.
> >
> > Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and then put
> > them back together again.
> >
> > Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours
> > before drinking.
> >
> > Invite at least 465 people you don't really like because of their
> > strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months.
> > Exchange clothes with them.
> >
> > Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table
> > and lie under it to read books.
> >
> > Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back
> > doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on
> > the every time you pass through one of them.
> >
> > Keep a roll of toilet paper on your nightstand and bring it to the
> > bathroom with you. Also bring your weapon and a flashlight. Walk three
> > houses down and use your neighbors bathroom.
> >
> > Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case."
> > Every time.
> >
> > Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you
> > as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say,
> > "Sorry it's for the other Smith."
> >
> > Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet,
> > semi-clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a sack in the corner of
> > the garage. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing
> > the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family
> > gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like.
> > Enthusiastically repeat the process for another 16 weeks.
> >
> > Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed,
> > wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a
> > vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.
> >
> > Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.
> >
> > Demand each family member be limited to 15 minutes per week for a
> > morale call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.
> >
> > Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper
> > ambiance.
> >
> > Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and
> > fragmentation. Never ever pull off the road.
> >
> > While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and
> > culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before
> > proceeding. Have strange looking foreign people stare at you while
> > holding machine guns and rocket propelled grenades.
> >
> > Fire off 50 Cherry Bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m.
> > When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, it was just a
> > rocket attack. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute
> > for their shattered windows.
> >
> > Eat three starches shaped like the scoop they were served in, no fresh
> > fruit, and very little meat.
> >
> > When people put their hand on your shoulder and say, "Welcome back
> > from overseas, was it bad over there?" Reply by saying, "Ouch, my
> > smallpox vaccination hasn't healed!"
> >
> > Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you
> > placed outside the front door before they come inside.
> >
> > Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.
> >
> > When your 8-year old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact
> > stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page.
> > Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the
> > paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your
> > son the gum.
> >
> > Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot
> > it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.
> >
> > Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order
> > yourself to repeat this process for another 6 months to simulate the
> > next deployment you've just been ordered to support.
> >
> > 4 days a week stand in front of industrial strength sand blaster all
> > day. In summer months amplify sand blaster with acetylene torch or
> > Titan IV rocket motor.
> >
> > MSG Frederick L. Punte, USAF
> > Operation Enduring Freedom
> > Anti-Terrorist Strike Force
> > Bagram Air Base, Afghanistan



Sempers,

Roger

[greybeard]

Start crapping into a steel 5 gal bucket- once/2 weeks, pour some diesel in it & set it on fire, when the wind is blowing toward your sleeping/dining area.

Extend the shaft on all your ceiling fans so ya get used to ducking under the rotating blades.

Once every 2 days, pack all your sstuff up, go out on a hot parking lot, and sit for hours at a time-waiting----just waiting.

Get used to playing cards with several of the deck missing. Never finish a game.

Have your family move to the other side of the country & tell them to wait 3 weeks before replying to any mail they recieve from you.

Set up a perimeter around your yard, & get up every 4 hours to stand a 4 hr guard.

Start drinking warm beer, like it was the last one you'll have for a loooooooong time.

[tommyboy]

Now that is some funny stuff!!