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Thread: Tribute to the Marines
03-29-03, 02:10 AM #1
Tribute to the Marines
A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .
* United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 *
1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.
2) Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.
3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.
4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.
5) Marines don't wear dungarees.
6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect.
7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!''
8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat.
9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.''
10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima
11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.
14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs.
15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar.
16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.
12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues.
13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore.
18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House.
19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.
20) Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES.
21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors!
22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill!
23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea)
24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat.
25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.
26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''
03-29-03, 02:13 AM #2
Practical joke on his ex-girlfriend
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
03-29-03, 02:16 AM #3
The Colonel's Order
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."
03-29-03, 02:20 AM #4
Speaking with the general
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
03-29-03, 02:28 AM #5
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies, Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds, As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.
Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube, Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube, And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.
When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter; I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash, Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.
And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded: An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded. "Alert status red!" went the word down the wire, As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"
On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk, And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock. Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard! Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!
They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged. Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged, And the sky was lit up with a demonic light, As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.
So we sent out some recon to look for debris, Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot, Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.
Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down. There are unhappy kids in each village and town. For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade All the web of defenses we've carefully made.
But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day, All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health, For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!
03-29-03, 02:30 AM #6
New officer efficiency
These are actual phrases from Officer Efficiency Reports (performance appraisal for the military officers).
"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
"Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
"A room temperature IQ."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Bright as Alaska in December."
"One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Fell out of the family tree."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes."
"Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
"Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
03-29-03, 02:33 AM #7
Physical training job
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.
"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"
After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.
"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.
"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."
03-29-03, 02:36 AM #8
Let's see the world
Two dogfaces were digging a foxhole.
"What made you join the Army?" asked one.
"Well, I read one of the posters that said: Join the Army and see the world! And I been doin' it - a shovelful at a time."
03-29-03, 02:42 AM #9
How Army policy began
This is Army policy all begins...
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?
"Because that's the way it's always been around here."
That's how Army policy begins...
03-29-03, 02:44 AM #10
Top Holiday Traditions In The Military
9. Gluing Santa beard to your gas mask
8. Roasting chestnuts with an M4-A3 flamethrower
5. You open a gift and surprise! It's a khaki-colored t-shirt
7. Draw up list of who's naughty, who's nice and who can't run their 2 miles without wheezing like an infant
6. Christmas morning, getting to sleep in till 0530
4. Extra R&R for any personnel named Donner or Blitzen
3. There's always plenty of parking at the mall when you're driving a tank
2. Watching "Frosty" and crying my eyes out
1. Freeze-dried, shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed eggnog
03-29-03, 02:47 AM #11
His military etiquette
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
03-29-03, 02:48 AM #12
I mean no disrespect by any of this i just thought you all might find this amusing like i did. sorry if i offend anyone.
03-29-03, 02:51 AM #13
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
03-29-03, 02:52 AM #14
Army needs new recruits
Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting
8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles
7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit?
3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center
6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters
5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day
4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude"
2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island
1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"
03-29-03, 02:54 AM #15
Marines and the police
The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.
The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.
At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).
The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.
The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".
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