Struggles don't end when Marines return

By: SHANNON WINGARD - For the North County Times

The scene has played out dozens of times on North County's two Marine Corps bases since the start of the Iraq war: Marines in desert camouflage uniforms running into the arms of family members waiting to greet them with hugs, kisses, banners and balloons.

But family members and Marine officials say there is another, more difficult side to military homecomings that isn't always captured in the welcome home photos: the weeks and months it can take a family to readjust to mom or dad coming home from war.

Many of the thousands of Marines who return from Iraq each year have to get reacquainted with their spouses and children and adjust to changes that took place during the traditional deployment of seven months to a year.


Spouses and children face their own share of adjustments, Marines say. The sudden return of a spouse or parent sometimes creates power shifts -- or power struggles -- within reuniting families.

Marine families interviewed by the North County Times said the transition after each homecoming may include minor issues such as sharing the remote control or more serious ones such as raising the children, managing the finances or the day-to-day control of the household.

Melinda Manyx, who has been married to her husband, Marine Maj. Todd Manyx, for more than 10 years, said her experience with a handful of deployment separations has taught her one lesson about dealing with the issues that arise after the return of a spouse: "work through it and grow together."

ÝAdjusting to a different life

Many families say the greatest adjustments have to do with issues of control or with raising children.

Melinda Manyx, who lives on Camp Pendleton, said she is grateful to have an extra hand at home, though it can be difficult to stop habits that began out of necessity.

"After seven months, you go into a deep, deep routine," said Manyx, whose husband's second deployment to Iraq will end in the fall.

After spending months juggling a hectic schedule complete with kids' sports practices, Cub Scout meetings and helping with homework, she said it can be difficult to give up part of her routine.

On the other hand, having more time allows her to do things she enjoys, including substitute teaching.

The Manyx family, which includes sons Conner, 7, and Hayden, 5, has decided that she should control most of the household even with her husband home from deployments, to help provide a consistency at home.

"Even when he is here, I am in control (of the household), because I am the one who has been here," she said.

Camp Pendleton Marine Cpl. William Skelton, who lives in Fallbrook, said his biggest adjustment upon returning from Iraq was getting to know his daughter, Mackenzie, who was just 3 weeks old when he left for a seven-month trip to Iraq in January 2006.

"My biggest thing was getting to know my little girl," said Skelton, 27, who works in public affairs on the base. He joked that to his baby, he was just "some strange guy in the house hugging her mom."

Skelton's wife, Kari, 23, an Army Reserve specialist, said she felt it was important to just step back and let her husband bond with their daughter without her help.

"I don't think there is anything you can do to help that transition," said Kari Skelton, of Fallbrook. "I feel if I had forced it on him, then it would have frustrated him because she was frustrated." Ý

Make it or break it

William Skelton said he had to adjust to parenting decisions his wife made while he was deployed.

"I had different ideas on how the diapers should be changed or on giving her a bath," he said.

He said the couple learned to communicate about why decisions were made and to support each other as parents. They even decided that Kari Skelton should seek a discharge from military service, so Mackenzie will never have to experience the deployment of both parents at the same time.

Deployments affect parents and couples without children differently, said Becky Estepp, whose husband is a lieutenant colonel in the Marine Reserves.

Her husband left on his first deployment when they were engaged in 1995, she said.

She said deployments passed more quickly after their sons Eric, 9, and J.P., 7, were born. On the other hand, she believes the post-deployment transition is easier for couples without children because they often face more minor struggles.

She said each family handles post-deployment challenges a little differently.

"There is no manual to tell you how to do this, so you have to decide what works for your family," she said. "It is either going to break you apart or bring you closer together than you could ever imagine."

Getting help

After the initial excitement of a homecoming ends, families may need support from one another, said Manyx, who is a leader in a military family support group called the Marine Key Volunteers Network. The network is a group of veteran Marine spouses supporting newer ones.

In addition to the Key Volunteers, the Marine Corps offers programs for spouses and children who have a difficult time adjusting, said Bill Durdin, a coordinator for what Marines call the "family readiness program" for the base's 1st Marine Division.

"When we got into Iraq and Afghanistan, the commandant saw a real need to build up the family readiness program, because they foresaw that (the conflicts were) going to take a while," he said. Ý

Although a similar group has existed for decades, he said the Key Volunteers Network "wasn't what it is now" with more than 200 members within the division.

He said the groups are usually run by the spouse of the highest-ranking deployed Marine, and the members traditionally share information, dispel rumors and support each other while their spouses are deployed. He said the groups are kept up to date by a key adviser, who is also a spouse.

He also said a variety of programs are available for Marine families, such as the Reunite Reunion, which gives spouses a weekend getaway to get reconnected, a nondenominational religious retreat or counseling programs for children and spouses.

He said one challenge he faces is getting people, especially Marines, to use the services that are being offered.

"One of the things we have to do is to communicate to Marines and their spouses that counseling is not a bad thing," he said.

From his perspective, he said, it is important to deal with any issues that arise as soon as possible.

"The sooner you can nip it in the bud, so to speak, is the sooner you can take care of it," he said.

As a retired Marine first sergeant, Durdin said, he believes that military spouses are a unique and strong group of individuals.

"They are heroes," he said. "To be able to do what they do and to allow their husbands to do what they do, they really are heroes."

On the Net:

More information on services available to the families of deployed Marines can be found at: www.cpp.usmc.mil/base/dpc/family.asp.

Ellie