Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

The Last Laugh


Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive
industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the
Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.

Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.
It read - "We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!"

[thedrifter]

crusty old U. S. Marine Colonel found himself at a gala event
downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way
all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the Colonel said, "just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen
a lot of action." The Colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action." The young lady,
tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know you should lighten up a little --
relax and enjoy yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when was the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well that's the hang-up -- you really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously. I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his atter-of-fact voice,
Oh, I don't know, it's only 2130 now."

[thedrifter]

The Military Rest Room


Two military guys go into a restroom. One is in the Navy and the other
is a Marine. When they are done, the navy guy goes to the sink and starts to wash his hands,
while the Marine starts to leave.

The Navy guy yells to the Marine, "The Navy teaches us to wash our hands."

The Marine yells back, "The Marines teach us not to **** on ours!"

[thedrifter]

Wild Jamaican Sex

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this
small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with an
Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble
shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have
some special sandals I think you Would be interested in. Dey make you
wild at
sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being
the
sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in
his
eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican
then began screaming, YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

[thedrifter]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed









home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear









Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at









home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to









switch with mine for a day. Amen.

















God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning,




Sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for
his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast,
packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the
dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills
and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum,
dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and




got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got
the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched
TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables
for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper,
he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed.









At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went
to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without
a complaint.









The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't
know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home
all day. Please, oh! please, let us trade back."





The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your
lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have
to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.

[thedrifter]

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak".

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to **** on our hands ...! "

[thedrifter]

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

[thedrifter]

One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night".

So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.

The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night.

So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.

The man says "To make him laugh I told him I had a bigger dick than he does and to make him cry I showed him".

[Kegler300]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "hell" and you say "ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room & shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it's not Cheerios."

[thedrifter]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an NCO," says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be an Officer."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[thedrifter]

Think of a letter between
A and W.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Keep going . . .
Don't stop . . ..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of
either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Almost
there........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.
.
.
.
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Of course not.......
.
.
.
.Now smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid
e-mail games!
.
.
.
.
Don't
tell the secret
to others,
just send
them this e-mail!

Smile & have
a great day!

[greybeard]

(Maybe this has been promulgated here previously)But.......

IMPORTANT NOTICE!!!



All K-Marts & Wal-Marts in Bagdad have been closed down. They will be replaced by-
>
>
>
>
Targets

[thedrifter]

sent to me by Cas

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
> When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets
> back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!".. She says, "Well put
> them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
> He does and that warms him up.. After lunch he goes back out to chop
> some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! - My hands are
> really freezing!".. She says again, "Well put them here between my legs
> and warm them up.".. He does, and again that warms him up.
> After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When
> he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
> She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever
> get cold?"

[thedrifter]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as

his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the

horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why

are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure that

they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny looked worried,

"Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."

"Why?" said his father. "Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, I

think he wants to buy Mom

[thedrifter]

COMMUNICATION-
OBFUSCATION/ CONFUSION
Make Sure You’re Understood

A Colonel issued the following directive to his Executive Officer: “Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours, Haley’s Comet will be visible in the area, an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In the case of rain , we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show films of it.”

Executive Officer to Company Commander: “By order of the colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Haley’s Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then something which occurs only once every 75 years.”

Company Commander to Lieutenant: “By order of the colonel in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening, the phenomenal Haley’s Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.”

Lieutenant to Sergeant: “Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the colonel will appear in the theater with Haley’s Comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the colonel will order the Comet into the battalion area.”

Sergeant to Squad: “When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Haley, accompanied by the colonel, will drive his Comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues.”