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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
01-15-03, 07:48 AM #1321
Do you burn the midnight oil until 9 pm? Do you shop for comfortable shoes rather than cool ones? Have you told your children all rap music sounds the same? (Remember when you parents said that about your music?) Do you know what your company retirement plan is? Does it take twice as long to look half as good? Do you still chase members of the opposite sex, but you can't remember why? Does your mind makes contracts that your body can't keep? Do you look forward to a dull evening? Do you walk with your head high… trying to get used to your bifocals? Do you turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones? Have you sung along with the elevator music? (When the music of the 60's and 70's is played by 101 Strings in the elevator, it’s just sad.) Have you been window shopping ( NOT talking about clothes here) and seen a fine looking member of the opposite sex? Then it dawns on you. They’re young enough to be your kid. ( Men are not bothered by this, but it creeps me out.) Have you heard yourself say things that your parents always said ... and you hated? And finally... there is always having the worst of both worlds with zits and gray hair at the same time.
01-15-03, 07:49 AM #1322
A Little Rabbit is running happily through the woods when he comes across a Giraffe rolling a joint. He runs up the Giraffe and says, "Hey, Giraffe. You shouldn't do that. Think of your health. You should come running in the woods instead!" The Giraffe looks at the Little Rabbit, looks at the spliff, shrugs his shoulders, tosses the joint over his shoulder and runs off through the wood with the Little Rabbit.
After a while the Giraffe and the Rabbit come across an Elephant about to do a line of Coke. The Rabbit says, "Oh, Elephant you really shouldn't do that. You should come running with us in the wood. It is much better for you." The Elephant looks at the Rabbit looks at the line of Charlie, shrugs his shoulders, then runs off through the wood with the Giraffe and the Rabbit.
Shortly they come across a Bear about to shoot up heroin. The Rabbit runs up to him and says, "Hey, Bear, you shouldn't do that, think of your health. You'd be better of running in the woods with us." The Bear looks at the Rabbit, looks at the syringe, spoon and stuff, shrugs his shoulders, kicks the whole lot away and runs off with the Rabbit, the Giraffe and the Elephant.
After a while they come across a Tiger drinking his way through a six pack of beer. The Rabbit runs up to the Tiger and says, "Hey Tiger, you really shouldn't d that." and the Tiger immediately jumps up and starts beating the living crap out of the Rabbit. The Giraffe grabs the Tiger and pulls him off the Rabbit and says, "What the hell are you doing, man?" The Tiger gets one more kick in and says, "Ah, that little ****er really ****es me off; he always makes me run around the bloody woods when he's on Ecstasy!"
01-15-03, 08:04 AM #1323
Ever wonder where the word "SH*t comes from? Well here it is: Certain types of manure used to be transported by ship(as everything was back then). In dry form it weighs allot less,but once water (at sea) hit it,it not only became heavier,but the process of fermentation began again,of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could(and did) happen, methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below deck at night with a lantern BOOOOM!! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was happening. After that ,the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "S.H.*.T." on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit" In other words,high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came in the hold would not touch the volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Bet you didn't know that one. Here I always thought it was a golf term.
01-15-03, 08:08 AM #1324
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work.
I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
What absolute bliss!!.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But I have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
No time to write. He might catch me.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Oh No!!! here he comes again.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.
01-15-03, 05:21 PM #1325
Three young women are at a cocktail party. Their talk
turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they
are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes, and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
The first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls,
I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to
impress you. We're not really going to the French
Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me.
To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He
bought me a Taurus."
"Well," the third woman says, " I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."
01-15-03, 05:22 PM #1326
Several people have asked for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the
following analogies will help clear it up:
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm
-- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One
of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic
-- That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten
your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and
reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
-- That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
-- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home
with your friend.
-- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
-- That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb
onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top
of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
-- That's Spam
01-15-03, 05:41 PM #1327
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
>A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
>Q. What's a mixed feeling?
>A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
>Q. What's the height of conceit?
>A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
>Q. What's the definition of macho?
>A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
>Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
>A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
>Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
>A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.
>Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
>A. Because it's worth it.
>Q. What is a Yankee?
>A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
>Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
>A. They both like a tight seal.
>Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
>A. Their balls are just for decoration.
>Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
>A. About three inches.
>Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
>A. For traction in the mud.
>Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
>A. The grip.
>Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
>A. It's not hard.
>Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
>A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
>Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
>A: 45 pounds.
>Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
>A: 45 minutes.
>Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>A: Breasts don't have eyes.
>Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
>A. The swallow.
>Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
>A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
>Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
> their minds?
>A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
>Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
>A. They don't have balls to scratch.
01-15-03, 07:49 PM #1328
Having a bad day ?
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where
patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,
regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even
thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So
a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the
cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11a.m.,
all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for
themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were
holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just
when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper,
entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt
him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment,
he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The
two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
What?! STILL having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was
the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?
01-15-03, 09:55 PM #1329
THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES
THE FUNCTIONING OF
USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING
IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF
HOLE AT THE
OTHER. IN USE,
AND AGAIN MANY
SOME OF WHICH
OF REST, READY
DAY, BUT OFTEN
WHAT AM I???????
AS YOU MAY HAVE
THAN YOUR VERY
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> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
what were you
send this message to ten of
01-15-03, 10:40 PM #1330
Marine Gate Guards (M.P.)
Two airmen were driving across country on leave. They come to a Marine Corps base and decide
to visit. They approach the gate and the Marine Guard walks up to the driver's window, and
taps on it with his nighstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the Marine smacks him
in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that? The Marine says, "You're on
a United States Marine Corps Base, son. When I come up to your car,
you'll have your ID card ready." Driver says, "I'm sorry, We're in the Air Force,
and we didn't know." The Marine examines the I.D. card and gives it back to the driver.
The Marine walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his
window down, and the Marine smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The Marine says,"Just making your wishes come true. "The passenger says, "Huh?"
The Marine says, "I know that as soon as you pull away you're gonna say,
'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"
01-16-03, 01:14 AM #1331
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into
a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as
the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz
down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint
away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and
takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the
fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling,
Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling
home from the pub late one night and found themselves on
the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's
grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool,
it says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see
what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
"Miles, from Dublin."
01-16-03, 01:16 AM #1332
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a
few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections
back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There
was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three
times to pee."
01-16-03, 01:18 AM #1333
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers
into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down
but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the Ole just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds
three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either.
Irish Last Request:
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'"
01-16-03, 01:24 AM #1334
One day, while fishing under the I-10 bridge in The Atchafalaya Basin,
Boudreaux made his confession. "We all been friend for tirty years and
been tru a lot. I never told ya'll dis before because I didn't wanna
ruin our friendship, but Im gay.
Fontenot looked over at Thibodueaux and said, "We kinda figured dat out
a while back, but wadn't gonna say nutin' because we didn't wanna
Boudreaux thanked them for thier understanding and continued: "Da reason
I'm tollin' ya'll dis is cause I got AIDS and I got six munts to live.
Ya'll da only family I got lef and I want ya'll to promise me dat ya'll
won't let dem bary me. I'm scared of dem caskets and I wanna be
cremated." "Den, I want ya'll to trow my ashes from dat bridge up over
dis here water, where we've spent! so much time togeder."
Fontenot and Thibodeaux wiped back a few tears, then agreed to do what
their friend had asked. Sho'nough, six munts later Boudreaux died, and
they were standing on the bridge with the ashes. Fontenot was about to
trow them out when Thibodeaux stopped him:
"Wait, you gotta say somtin," he said. "I donno what to say. I never was
much about goin' to church, "Fontenot admitted. Thibodeaux, he scratch
his head. "Just say somtin'... anyting. Make it ryhme."
Fontenot him, he tought about it a while and started trowin' dem ashes
out over da water and said: "Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, If you liked
pussy, You'd be here wit us!!!
01-16-03, 08:14 AM #1335
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to
Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies,
"Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to
start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the
loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do
such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember
how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then
you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my
life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must
really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when
was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
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