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  1. #12001
    Short Father Christmas
    What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
    Santa Clues!

    Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
    Now thats what you call pot luck!

    What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
    Freeze a jolly good fellow !

    What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
    Santapplause !

    Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
    Santa drives a rusty car
    Press the starter
    Press the choke
    Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !

    Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
    Santa Jaws !

    Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
    Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !

    Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
    Because they both have "Sandy claws" !

    What does Father Christmas call his money ?
    Iced lolly ?

    What's Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
    Santa pause !

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #12002
    A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
    friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big
    brass gong next to the bed.
    "What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests
    asked.
    "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
    "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
    "Yup," replied the drunk.
    "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
    "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an
    ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one
    another for a moment.
    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You a!@#%*e,
    it's three o'clock in the morning!"


  3. #12003
    What is his occupation?
    A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

    Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

    "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

    Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

    "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

    Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

    The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

    Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #12004
    Signs and notices
    These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

    While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read "Now hiring."

    At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises, bonses and promotions."

    SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #12005
    Answering machine message 133
    I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #12006
    Giving very odd excuses
    The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

    "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

    The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

    "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

    The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

    "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

    "Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

    "No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #12007
    Making a bet at a bar
    Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

    Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

    "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #12008
    Question and answer blonde joke
    Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
    A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  9. #12009
    Bumper stickers 09
    Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

    Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

    Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

    Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

    Adults are just kids who owe money.

    Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

    I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

    You! Off my planet!

    -Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

    I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #12010
    Business one-liners 95
    To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.

    To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.

    To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

    To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

    Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work.

    Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being.

    Trust everybody...then cut the cards.

    Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.

    Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

    Two heads are more numerous than one.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #12011
    Purchasing furniture
    I work as a systems administrator, and part of m job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

    Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

    Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

    You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.

    C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

    Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

    C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

    Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

    C: But how do get there?

    Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

    C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

    And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

    C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so *COMPLICATED*!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #12012
    Learning Chinese terms
    Crash Course in Speaking Chinese
    Chinese Phrase English Translation

    Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

    Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

    Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

    Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

    Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

    Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

    Kum Hia: Approach me

    Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island

    Lao Ze: Not very good

    Lin Ching: An illegal execution

    Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

    Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

    Shai Gai: A bashful person

    Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

    Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

    Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

    Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

    Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

    Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

    Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

    Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #12013
    Stupid people awards
    The 2000 Darwin awards!

    (28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in northeastern England. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbor Alan Renfry told reporters.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  14. #12014
    Lightbulb joke collection 16
    Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None, they only screw the poor.

    Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: (Dole) When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't have light bulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it.

    Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: (DuPont) Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that... With a DuPont administration, the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce light bulbs that never need changing.

    Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: (Robertson) Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb!

    Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: (Kemp) It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #12015
    An old occupation
    What happens when people of different occupations get old.

    - Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

    - Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

    - Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

    - Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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