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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
12-02-04, 02:47 PM #11671
One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
12-02-04, 03:53 PM #11672
Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things,a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through Darlinghurst a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know, ... I haven't had a cold all winter." po
12-02-04, 05:38 PM #11673
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50 - some of us didn't have to wait until
> 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
> 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
> 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
> 4. People call at 9PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
> 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
> 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
> 7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
> 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P. M.
> 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
> 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
> 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
> 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
> 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
> 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
> the room.
> 15. You sing along with elevator music.
> 16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
> 17. Your health plan is beginning to pay off.
> 18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
> weather service.
> 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
> remember them either.
> 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
> 21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
> GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
> 1. Sag, You're it.
> 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
> 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
> 4. Kick the bucket.
> 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
> 6. Doc Goose.< BR>
> 7. Simon says something incoherent.
> 8. Hide and go pee.
> 9. S pin the Bottle of Mylanta.
> 10. Musical recliners.
> SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
> 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
> 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is
> using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than
> you are not amused, you shoot him.
> 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
> 4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult
> you four hours of decent rest.
> 5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
> 6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a
> field trip to Chippendale s.
> SIGNS OF WEAR
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make
> love,"and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new
> shoes and you're barefoot.
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your
pacemaker opens the garage door
And just for the ladies
> > "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as
> long as you don't have to go along.
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
> instead of by the police.
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to
> take any fiber today.
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
> parking lot.
> "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
12-02-04, 07:25 PM #11674
YOU'RE A DRUNK:
You only drink to get rid of hangovers, and sometimes it takes all night.
You know if you give up drinking you wonít actually live longer ó itíll just seem like longer.
You spend ninety percent of your paycheck on drinking and waste the rest.
You fell down two flights of stairs and didnít spill a drop.
You donít mind blacking out because it makes Sunday confession much less embarrassing.
When you wake up hungover youíre afraid youíll die. Half an hour later youíre afraid youíll live.
You wonder why people need friends when you can just sit in a room and drink all day.
You believe the only Absolut(e) in life is vodka.
You went on a diet, swore off drinking and bar food, and in fourteen days you lost two weeks.
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
You exist in a perfect Zen circle: you drink because your wife nags and she nags because you drink.
You got so drunk on St. Patrickís day it seemed like every other day.
12-03-04, 06:32 AM #11675
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
12-03-04, 06:33 AM #11676
Answering machine message 57
Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.
12-03-04, 06:33 AM #11677
The world's smartest man?
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.
"I'm the smarest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."
"You don't have to stay here! The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."
12-03-04, 06:34 AM #11678
I didn't get any money this time
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"
12-03-04, 06:34 AM #11679
Three blonds on death row
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
12-03-04, 06:35 AM #11680
Business one-liners 42
The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
The one who does the least work will get the most credit.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The one you want is never the one on sale.
The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
The only real errors are human errors.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.
12-03-04, 06:35 AM #11681
Caring for floppy disks
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result, put the floppy in the disk drive after folding it several times in different directions. With a little luck, you should be able to get it jammed. Now, ask yourself. How can your disk get damaged if you can't even get it out of the drive?
Use cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking, blow directly to your disk. In that way, you will be able to destroy it soon, and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.
If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen. This wonderful method of "caring" for disks also often gives you a pretty bite-like design on the remaining pieces of the disk.
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making sure that they are on.
Put a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it to someone, and that's all.
Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.
DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPE
Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and manuals.
DON'T MAKE BACKUPS
Of course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry about how to destroy them once you have lost the original.
It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly, you'll find new methods to add to this list.
12-03-04, 06:36 AM #11682
Lightbulb joke collection 44
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed in any time interval is independent of how long you've been waiting.
Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.
Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!
12-03-04, 06:36 AM #11683
Marriage quotes 15
All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.
It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
12-03-04, 06:37 AM #11684
Sleeping on the job
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk
9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
12-03-04, 06:37 AM #11685
Robert Schmidt 03
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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