Chuckles of the Day... - Page 775
Create Post
Page 775 of 1388 FirstFirst ... 2756757257657717727737747757767777787797858258751275 ... LastLast
Results 11,611 to 11,625 of 20818
  1. #11611
    Signs and notices
    These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

    Sign on a scientist's door: "Gone fission."

    Sign in a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

    Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

    Sign in a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

    Sign on used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #11612
    Answering machine message 256
    (For Shakespeare lovers only
    So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
    So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  3. #11613
    Finish overseas tour
    A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

    The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

    He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #11614
    The Beer Prayer
    Our lager,
    Which art in barrels,
    Hollowed be thy drink.
    I will be drunk,
    At home as in the travern.
    Give us this day our foamy head,
    And forgive us our spillages,
    As we forgive those who spill against us.
    And lead us not into incarceration,
    But deliver us from hangerovers.
    For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
    Forever and ever,
    Barmen.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #11615
    Business one-liners 102
    When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.

    When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

    When your opponent is down, kick him.

    Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

    Where you stand depends on where you sit.

    While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

    Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?

    Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses? - G. Gordon Liddy

    Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.

    Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.

    You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #11616
    Only found in America
    Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

    Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

    Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

    Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

    Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

    Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

    Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

    Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #11617
    Question and answer jokes
    Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
    A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

    Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
    A: Who cares? Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
    A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

    Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
    A: Jewelry.

    Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
    A: Their personalities.

    Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
    A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

    Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #11618
    Lightbulb joke collection 36
    Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before it was lit up.

    Q: How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.

    Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
    A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

    Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.

    Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

    Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None--just assume it's changed.

    Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

    Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  9. #11619
    Pick a starting salary
    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

    The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

    The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

    The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

    And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #11620
    Policemen in Heaven
    St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

    "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

    "I was a policeman," he responded.

    "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

    "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

    "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."

    A few moments later a second man walks up.

    "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

    "I was a policeman," he responded.

    "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

    "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

    "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."

    A few moments later a third man walks up.

    "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

    "I was a policeman," he responded.

    "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked.

    "I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

    "Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #11621
    You might be a redneck if 60
    You might be a reneck if...

    You've run out of room on your arm from the tattoos of all wives names.

    You refuse to wash your truck on account that you have a strong suspicion that mud and rust is all that's holding it together.

    People mistakenly come to your house thinking your having a yard sale.

    You've ever told the local sheriff that you smell a pig and he replies, " I knew I should have taken a shower after I slopped the hogs today."

    Your idea of a luxury car is one that has the white fur covered seats in it.

    You think the internet is a new fishing tool.

    There's a pothole in the road and you swerve . . . to hit it.

    Your Truck has more Neon on it than the window of your local bar.

    You argue to the government that the budwiser plant should be one of the 7 wonders of the world.

    Your kids can't go out for Hollween because there's nobody within walking distance to get candy from.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #11622
    Question and answer Christmas joke
    Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
    A: "I don't like sprouts" !

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #11623
    A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

    After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. He asks her why they do not eat almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They are not able to chew them.

    "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled, whereupon the old lady answers:


    "We just love the chocolate around them."


  14. #11624
    Signs and notices
    These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.

    Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

    Sign in a Norwegian lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

    Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."

    Sign in an office: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

    Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #11625
    Answering machine message 233
    (Drunken voice You have reached Bob's hotline. We are not able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions. But if you leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder... pa-a-a-a!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 22 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 22 guests)

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not Create Posts
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts