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  1. #11506
    Fear of bombs on planes
    Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

    The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

    She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.

    Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.

    "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"

    The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."

    She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"

    Again he went through his tables.

    "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."

    Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.

    And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #11507
    Question and answer blond jokes
    Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
    A: She didn't know what number came first.

    Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
    A: Divorced.

    Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
    A: She threw it off a cliff.

    Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
    A: She fell out of the tree.

    Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
    A: The cow fell on her.

    Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
    A: Bobbing for french fries.

    Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
    A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom".

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  3. #11508
    Business one-liners 100
    When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.

    When someone says this is as bad as it can get, don't bet on it.

    When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

    When you don't have an education, you've got to use your brains.

    When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.

    When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.

    When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

    When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.

    When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.

    When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #11509
    Remaining as enemies
    Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke."

    "No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

    Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.

    As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

    "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #11510
    Very stupid musician
    August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay

    Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

    Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

    What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.

    Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

    Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.

    Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull. I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #11511
    The bronze statues
    A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

    "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

    "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

    The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

    No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

    Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

    "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

    "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #11512
    Lightbulb joke collection 73
    Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.

    Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: The change is 90% complete.

    Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?

    Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we have who can get the [insert name here] software ready to ship to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.

    Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one lightbulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...

    Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.

    Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: None. "It's not a bug, it's a feature."

    Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer really as "None. It's a hardware problem.")

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #11513
    Letters to a landlord
    Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

    The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

    I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

    This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  9. #11514
    Steven Wright 12
    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

    [Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

    They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge...

    I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

    I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

    When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." I was upset because on my second birthday, I went from being one to being two, and my age doubled in a year. I figured at this rate, by the time I'm six, I'll be ninety.

    When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

    I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

    When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #11515
    Headline in the paper
    HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #11516
    The redneck truckers
    Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.

    The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?

    About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.

    "I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"

    Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #11517
    I own the fastest car
    A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

    The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?".

    The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

    "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

    "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

    The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

    "Sure" replies the owner.

    So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

    Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

    Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

    The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

    Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

    WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

    The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

    The old man replies "yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #11518
    This dairy farmer was needing a new bull to build up his herd. He decided the best way to do it would be to buy a pregnant heffer and hope it will be a bull calf,
    So off he goes to Minnesota to find a heffer, When he finds one he ask,s the seller if he could tell if the calf would be a bull or a heffer the old farmer say,s oh yea it,ll be a bull calf.
    Then he say,s the cow will produce 10 Gallons of milk every day , so the farmer buy,s the cow takes it back to Kansas , the cow drops the calf ,it,s a bull so he starts milking the cow and every time he squeezed
    her teats the old cow would fart.
    One day his neighbor came over at milking time and stood there for a while
    and say,s got your new cow from Minnesota huh.?
    the farmer say,s yes but how did you know? he answerd back my wife,s from minnesota and she does the same thing when I squeeze her teats


  14. #11519
    Hell's Granny
    A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker guy with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, " I want to join your club." The biker was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, " Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bikes parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies,"Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last Question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope...but I've been swung around by the nipples once."


  15. #11520
    Real advertisements
    Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

    The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

    Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.

    The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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