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  1. #11491
    Letters On Fruit

    A teacher comes into the class room and there is a red apple with the letter "T" on it setting on her desk. She asks: "My what a pretty apple. Who brought this to me?"

    Little girl in the front row replies: "I did teacher."

    The teacher asks: "What does the letter "T" stand for?"

    "Teacher", she replies.

    The next day there is a great big red apple, with the letters "TT" on it.

    "My what a big beautiful apple who brought this to me?"

    Little boy in the back row says: "I did."

    "Why thank you, but what do the letters "TT" stand for?"

    "To Teacher", he replies.

    A couple of days later there is a huge watermelon on her desk with the letters "****" on it.

    She asks: "Who brought this watermelon in?"

    A little black boy in the center of the class replies: "Why i did teacher".

    "Why thank you very much. We'll have this at recess, but do you know what the letters stand for?", she asks in a upset tone.

    "Yes maam. From Us Colored Kids..."


    __________________


  2. #11492
    Artificial Respiration

    While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.

    "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"

    But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening.

    "Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration."

    "Wow!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."


    __________________


  3. #11493
    An old farmer went to town to see a movie.

    The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that thing on your shoulder?"

    The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Rudy. Wherever I go, Rudy goes."

    "I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theatre."

    The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants.

    He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre.

    He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

    The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
    The old farmer unzipped his pants so Rudy could stick his head out and watch the movie.

    "Marge," whispered Mildred.

    "What?" said Marge.

    "I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

    "What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

    "He unzipped his pants, and his thing is out," whispered Mildred.

    "Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

    "That's what I thought, too," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"


    __________________
    Bumper Stickers
    Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    ~~
    My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


    If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My A$$.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The Earth Is Full - Go Home

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Illiterate? Write For Help

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Honk If Anything Falls Off

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Remember
    Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba the Hut?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Boldly Going Nowhere
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Caution - Driver Legally Blonde
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Saw It..Wanted It ... Had A Fit .... Got It!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder


  4. #11494
    First Time Constestant

    Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

    Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host
    could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.

    "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"

    "Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."

    Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

    "Where are you going?" Jane asked.

    "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.

    Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

    "What is it?" she cried excitedly.

    "OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'

    And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"

    Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep, with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was
    shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.

    "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

    And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.

    The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

    "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

    "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

    "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

    "That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"


    __________________


  5. #11495
    Bragging about old times
    Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

    "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

    "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

    "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #11496
    Half off these tickets
    USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

    Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #11497
    Measuring on the job
    There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #11498
    What type of tracks?
    Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

    They were still arguing when the train hit them.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  9. #11499
    Deep Thoughts 07
    Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

    If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

    I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

    I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.

    When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

    If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

    What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

    We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #11500
    Robert Schmidt 12
    I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when out of town ... they mail it to me.

    Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday."

    "I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils"

    I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.

    My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary.

    When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers ... we haven't spoken since.

    A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

    I don't like dogs ... keep getting mustard on my catching glove.

    My mom called me last night ... I'm over it now. I was thinking of calling her back ... there it passed...

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #11501
    Where is your wife?
    On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

    To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #11502
    You might be a redneck if 17
    You might be a redneck if...

    You've ever made change in the offering plate.

    The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."

    You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

    You own at least 20 baseball hats.

    You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

    You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

    You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

    When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

    Your screen door has no screen.

    Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #11503
    Car just broke down
    A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

    Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

    Nun: I think that would be okay.

    They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

    Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

    Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

    Ten minutes later...

    Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

    Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

    Ten minutes later...

    Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

    Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  14. #11504
    The football-playing turkey
    The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.

    Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

    "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #11505
    Tribute to the Marines
    A tribute to the United States Marine Corps and the reasons why they are superior to the many organizations of the world . . .

    * United States Marine Corps Birthday: 10 NOVEMBER 1775 *

    1) Best haircut. Hands down. You can't have a bad hair day with a high and tight. And you spend less on shampoo.

    2) Dress blues. They're the coolest uniforms in any military worldwide.

    3) Bloused trousers. Another distinctive Marine look that sets the proudest service members apart.

    4) The rest of the Marine sea bag. From the Alphas to the camouflage utilities, uniforms just look better on a Marine than any other service member.

    5) Marines don't wear dungarees.

    6) Most respect I. When the Marines pulled out of Haiti and Somalia, the media reported the U.S. military was pulling out -- as if tens of thousands of Army troops weren't still in the country. Now that's respect.

    7) Most respect II. When the Corps came back to Haiti after 60 years, an old man on the Cap-Haitien beach said ``Welcome back!''

    8) Toughest mascot. The Marine Corps' is a bulldog. The Navy's: a goat.

    9) Esprit de Corps. Even if you can't spell it or pronounce it, the Marine Corps has it in spades. One example: When sailors get tattoos, they do it to express their individuality, and their choices range from Betty Boop and Mickey Mouse to raging sea serpents. When Marines get tattoos, they do it to express their solidarity, and choose bull dogs, ``death before dishonor,'' and ``USMC.''

    10) Best war monument: Iwo Jima

    11) The Marines invade, then go home. The Army has to do the occupying.

    12) The silent drill team. Just watching them ply their trade makes you want to wear dress blues.

    13) Status. Sailors live and work on ships. Marines go for cruises -- then hit the shore.

    14) Best fast attack vehicles: LAVs.

    15) Best fighting knife: Ka-Bar.

    16) Best duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.

    17) Worst duty assignments: Okinawa, Kaneohe Bay, Camp Pendleton, Diego Garcia, Moscow, North Carolina. Plus any ship at sea.

    18) Most exotic duty assignments: Kuala Lumpur, The White House.

    19) Best phone number. Call 1-800-MARINES and you've got the Corps. And if you're a civilian with the character to be a Marine, a recruiter there will be happy to sign you up.

    20) Toughest DI's. (Drill Instructors). They're so tough that when the Navy wants to train its officers, who do they call? 1-800-MARINES.

    21) Toughest boot camp. When San Diego was still training Navy recruits, legend has it that recruits occasionally would jump the fence and accidentally land in Marine boot camp. The Marines would keep them a couple of days, and when the recruits were sent back, they were ready to be sailors!

    22) Best motivational cries: Ooh-rah! - Attack! - Kill!

    23) Best emblem: Eagle, Globe and Anchor. (Air, Land and Sea)

    24) Best campaign covers: The Smokey Bear hat.

    25) Separate heads for enlisted and officers. Everywhere else, officers and enlisted use the same pot.

    26) The only official, congressionally sanctioned hymn for any of the services: ``The Marines' Hymn.''

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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