Chuckles of the Day... - Page 766
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  1. #11476
    Robert Schmidt 13
    My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though...

    When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.

    Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.

    I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over.

    I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.

    That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."

    I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"

    In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."

    Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

    Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #11477
    Police officer's foods
    The 4 Basic Food Groups for Police Officers

    1. Glazed
    2. Jelly
    3. Powdered
    4. Chocolate Frosted

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  3. #11478
    Ponderings collection 38
    The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

    I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

    If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

    When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

    Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

    I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.

    Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

    A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

    If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

    A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #11479
    You might be a redneck if 61
    You might be a reneck if...

    You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your "stuff" (cars, trucks building materials).

    Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.

    The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)

    Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case".

    You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.

    You don't know what a redneck is.

    You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard".

    You thought ER was ET's cousin.

    You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.

    You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #11480
    Mary Poppins moved
    It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people's fortunes. But, she doesn't read palms or tea leaves, she smells one's breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #11481
    Things proven to change the course of Thanksgiving
    1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

    2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

    3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

    4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

    5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

    6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #11482
    THE PARTY-----YOU'RE INVITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Due to the cancellation of the inaugural ball for Sen.Kerry---there will be a small Suare'(pity party) for those who have already bought their attire. --The nights entertainment will be provieded by the DIXIE CHICKS & BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN TISSUES for excessive self pity will be furnished by Susan Sarrandon and Tim Robbins----we are pleased to announce DAN RATHER will be our Master of Ceremonies!!!!!!!!!!YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cameron Diaz has pledged CUPCAKES!!!!Whats this?----a free screening of Fahrenheit 911?--thank you Michael Moore. --Ashton Kutcher will sign his latest book--"I Open My Mouth--and Stupid Falls Out". P Diddy will not be in attendance, he is still trying to get the vote out. If you see him tell him that he was not "disenfranchised" from this event. He can come home now. Barbara Streisand is preparing for her next role and will not be here (boo hoo), she will be starring as Teresa Heinz-Kerry in the sad story of "SHOVE IT"----JUST IN: grapes will be provied by the Heinz Corporation---sorry, only SOUR available. --the Rev.Jesse Jackson will be cooking on the BBQ and John Kerry will be flippin the burgers--something he has proven to be very good at. Lots of ketchup folks, the White House has donated thousands of bottles, relish, mustard and all the pickles too.---when asked why the generosity? the spokesman for the Bush Household told us: We have switched to Del Monte, thank you very much.---attention all actors: Norman Lear is casting for his new television show "Fahrenheit 11-2-04, how'd the GOP do that?"
    Hope to see you all there---not much else going on.

    Hillary


  8. #11483
    Like a Straw

    There were these two not so bright guys who had to get across the desert. Since they didn't have enough money for a car they decided to buy a camel.

    The camel dealer promised them that the camel would get them across the desert if they made sure he was full of water before they left. They took the camel down to the water hole, but the camel would not drink. So finally the first guy says: "I have an idea, why don't I hold his head down in the water and you suck on his butt. That way the water will be drawn up into him like a straw." The second gut thought about this for a while and finally agreed.

    After a while the first guy asks "Well is it working?"

    The second guy replied "I think it is going to work, but you have to pick his head up just a little because I'm just getting mud."


    __________________


  9. #11484
    Genie

    A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

    On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

    The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

    The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

    They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

    A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

    "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

    "No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

    "Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

    "No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

    "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

    "Consider it done," the genie replied.

    "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

    The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

    The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

    After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

    "Thirty-five," she replied.

    "And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."


    __________________


  10. #11485
    Dictate

    Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

    Darla said, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

    The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

    The girl said, "Buckwheat is dumb."

    Now spell "stupid."

    Darla said, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

    The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

    Darla said, "Buckwheat is stupid."

    Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and said, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate.'"

    Buckwheat stood up and said, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

    The teacher replied, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."

    "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."


    __________________


  11. #11486
    ( Now the moral of the story)
    News anchor Dan Rather, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

    They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your Western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

    Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

    Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing "We Shall Overcome" one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can die in peace."

    Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job til the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

    The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

    "Kick me in the ***," said the Marine.

    "What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

    "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ***," insisted the Marine.

    So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ***. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

    As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ***?"

    "What!?" said the Marine, "And have you jerks call ME the aggressor?!"


    __________________


  12. #11487
    Bad Stomach

    A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two
    suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

    So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls
    his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

    Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

    "What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

    "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."


  13. #11488
    Between Holidays

    A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

    The artist says, "Sure."

    She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas."

    Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.


    __________________


  14. #11489
    My Daughter Lynda

    A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?"

    The mother says, "It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

    The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

    The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?"

    Lynda says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

    The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

    The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"


    __________________


  15. #11490
    Pick Up Artist

    A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time honored ice breaker, he sends her a drink.

    "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.

    Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."

    He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break
    furniture, and just plain destroy the place."

    "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.

    "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.


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