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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
11-08-04, 06:30 AM #11251
Ponderings collection 37
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
11-08-04, 06:31 AM #11252
Closing sermon words
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
11-08-04, 06:31 AM #11253
The baseball demands
Top Baseball Player Demands
From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994
In case anyone has od'ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]
No team flights on Continental Airlines.
Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.
Make it legal to cork their pants.
Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert]
Two words: Streisand tickets.
Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie".
Plenty of dugout Slimfast.
Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed.
More games against the Mets.
11-08-04, 01:01 PM #11254
What little girls want out of life
You've got to love this little girl. What a
woman, she'll make.
A teacher asked her class, "WHat do you want
out of life?
A little girl in the back row raised her hand
said, "All I want out
of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little
animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a
jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed
and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted
11-09-04, 06:15 AM #11255
Answering machine message 60
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".
11-09-04, 06:16 AM #11256
Civil War Era humor
Civil War Era Humor
The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil War.
BIGGEST MAN... The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was captured in 1862 and was sent to a Richmond Prison where a Confederate entrepreneur put him on exhibit. Even Confederate President Jeff Davis came to see him and was astounded when the impish Van Buskirk claimed that back home in Bloomington Indiana, "when I was at the train station with my company , my six sisters came to say goodbye. As I was standing there, with my company, they all came up to me, leaned down and kissed me on top of the head."
LETTER HOME... A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she married. The family wrote back and told him. It was the .... mailman.
KINDNESS... Treated kindly, a soldier responds with kindness. Treated kindly, a citizen responds with treason.
PATROTIC... Many soldiers enlisted because they thought it was their duty, others joined for the bounty and others joined to impress their girlfriends. Many of the married women also encouraged their men to go to war. One of these men, while bidding his wife good bye whimpered a little and showed signs of back out. His wife told him that if he was going to cry about it, to pull off his britches and she'd go in his place and he can stay home and run the farm.
COFFIN was called a wooden overcoat.
GREY UNIFORM... After the war a former Confederate officer, who violated the city ordinance against wearing a grey uniform in public, was arrested and put in jail. He broke the law because he did not own another suit. A former Union Officer asked for and received permission from the sheriff to share the cell; remaining there until public opinion forced the one time Rebel's release with repeal of the law.
MANNERS... Don't let your hurry up take over your manners.
DRUGS... A lot of drugs will make you any person you want to be; but no drug can make you be the person you used to be.
NO HONOR... During a battle, a Captain observed that one of the soldiers of his regiment was not shooting at an enemy soldier that had dropped his musket and was running away. When the battle was over the captain sought out the soldier and asked him why he did not shoot at the retreating enemy soldier. He replied, " When that soldier decided to run away, he marked himself as a coward and has to live with the decision all his life. If I had shot him I would have shortened his burden and also there is no honor in shooting a man that is not facing you."
OFFICER'S SHOULDER BARS were called pumpkin rinds.
NO COUNTERSIGN... When food was scarce many soldiers would steal or pillage nearby farms for anything that could be converted to food or drink. One evening an Officer smelled roast pork, investigating he found a pig roasting over a camp fire and asked who the soldiers were that stole it. A Corporal came to attention and said "sir, I was on picket duty and when I heard a noise and I called out for the pass word. All I heard was oink and that is not the countersign so I shot him. We were just going to bring him to your tent for court martial and have you pass judgment on him. The Officer, suppressing a smile, said " bring only a part of him and I will pass a partial sentence."
FREE WHISKEY... A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also. The other soldiers would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his tent mate told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk. With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " what, and give up all that free whiskey?"
CANNONBALL... A whistling cannon ball can dampen a soldiers courage.
COWARD... A Confederate expression used to express a coward, " He developed a case of Yankee Chills."
YOUNG SOLDIER... A young soldier never sees danger until it is time to die.
SCARED... A soldier in battle stated that he was so scared that if he was a girl , he'd cry.
WAXED MUSTACHE... A soldier that had no respect for his commanding officer who wore a waxed mustache, would shout to him " take those mice out of your mouth, I can see their tails hanging out."
FOG OF WAR... A term used to describe a sense of confusion that seems to over take a Commander at the commencement of a battle.
SLIPPERY BACON... Bacon that is so rotten, it's only use would be to start a fire with.
BATHROOM... Although not listed in the rules of war, soldiers on both sides did not shoot at the enemy when he was going to the bathroom.
FIRST BATTLE... When a soldier went into a battle for the very first time, it was called " seeing the elephant " and also when two veterans would meet and discuss their first battle they would use the expression " Where did you lose your grin?" The fun for a young soldier was over once he entered his first battle.
BUGLE... In the winter, one of the favorite tricks that the soldiers would play on the bugler was to put water in his bugle at night and let it freeze. The next morning the bugler would be unable to blow reveille until he thawed out his bugle.
BUTTONS... When an officer was detailed to do many different duties by his Commander he would describe himself as having to many buttons on his coat.
ROOSTER... The Confederate Army won many of the battles in the beginning and the middle of the war. One reason was that the Union were the invaders and were attacking fortified positions. The Confederates were entrenched and defending their homeland . They described it best with the expression, " A rooster fights best on his own hill."
BAYONET... A soldier had lost his bayonet and whittled one from wood so he could stand inspection. He was hoping not to be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle where he could pick up one from a dead soldier. At an inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated " Sir, I promised my father I would never unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill with it." The Officer insisted he hand over the bayonet. Taking it out, the Soldier looked skyward and declared " May the Lord change this bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
BRAVERY... A brave soldier is a compassionate enemy.
11-09-04, 06:16 AM #11257
A man takes the ferry home from work
John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
11-09-04, 06:16 AM #11258
First experience horse riding
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
11-09-04, 06:17 AM #11259
Bumper stickers 14
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11-09-04, 06:18 AM #11260
Evaluating this painting
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
11-09-04, 06:20 AM #11261
Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
11-09-04, 06:20 AM #11262
Very stupid musician
August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay
Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.
Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.
What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.
Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, "Just as I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain in my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say, "Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!" Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.
Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone, which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face. The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious and fracturing his skull. I would think the moral of this story is, Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
11-09-04, 06:21 AM #11263
The way you say it
It's not what you say, but the way you say it.
On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes."
The girl was very flattered.
What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
11-09-04, 06:22 AM #11264
Ponderings collection 40
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
11-09-04, 06:22 AM #11265
Murphy's nartial laws
Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts
Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:
The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.
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