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  1. #11206
    Japan is in trouble
    Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.

    What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.

    Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!

    The decline has begun.

    Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 enginerrs. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.

    But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.

    If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #11207
    Going to the office
    Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

    Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

    Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

    Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  3. #11208
    Christmas tree better
    Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

    A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

    A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

    When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

    A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

    A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

    A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #11209
    Should have glasses
    A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."

    The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."

    The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #11210
    Ponderings collection 37
    I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

    If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

    What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

    I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

    Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.

    If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

    STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

    Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

    Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

    Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #11211
    You might be a redneck if 61
    You might be a reneck if...

    You buy the lot next to your house because you need the room for all your "stuff" (cars, trucks building materials).

    Your idea of new siding on the house is more tar paper.

    The oak tree in the front yard is an essential piece of automotive repair equipment (how else are you gonna pull the engine out of the old Dodge?)

    Instead of locking the doors of your house, you keep a shotgun within reach, "just in case".

    You consider pickled deer organs a delicacy.

    You don't know what a redneck is.

    You're still upset that they canceled "The Dukes of Hazzard".

    You thought ER was ET's cousin.

    You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.

    You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #11212
    Question answer
    What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
    Sorry, it was a freak hic!

    Why are football grounds odd?
    Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

    What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
    A flat back four!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #11213
    You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

    The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
    * Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

    If you voted for Kerry in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your ******* is in Washington.
    * Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

    Beauty is only a light switch away.
    * Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

    If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
    * Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

    Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
    * Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

    God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
    * The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

    Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
    * The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

    No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her ****.
    * Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

    It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
    * Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
    Wickenburg, Ariz.

    A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
    * Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

    Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
    * Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

    Express Lane: Five beers or less.
    * Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's,
    Phoenix, Ariz.

    You're too good for him.
    * Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed
    Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

    No wonder you always go home alone.
    * Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's,
    Beverly Hills, CA

    What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
    * Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY


    __________________


  9. #11214
    An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak
    something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any
    public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side
    streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a
    London police officer showed up.

    "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

    "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

    "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

    The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
    pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman,
    "whiz away."

    The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started
    ****ing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning
    toward
    the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British
    courtesy?"

    "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."


    __________________


  10. #11215
    yellowwing
    Guest Free Member
    YES! YES! YES! That one made my morning Ed! Thank you


  11. #11216
    Christmas Party YOU KNOW ITS NOT TOOEARLY TO THINK ABOUT THIS. ED.

    If you have ever attempted to organize a Christmas function at work, you will relate to these emails all too well...


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: December 1
    RE: Christmas Party

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

    There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.

    Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

    This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our
    CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: December
    RE: Holiday Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

    We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

    The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
    Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

    Happy now?

    Happy Holidays to you and your family.

    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: December 3
    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

    Somebody?

    Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

    NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: All Employees
    DATE: December 7
    RE: Holiday Party

    What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

    Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
    on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.

    Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
    restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

    Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.

    We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.

    There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

    Patty


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO : All Employees
    DATE: December 10
    RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

    Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

    But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
    heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

    The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
    TO : All Employees
    DATE: December 14
    RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Holidays!


    __________________


  12. #11217
    The Night Before Christmas

    Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was ****ed.

    He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

    Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks

    I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

    I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

    Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?

    The old lady *****es cause I work late at night

    The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.

    Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids

    Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

    And just when I thought that things would get better

    Those *******s from IRS sent me a letter

    They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny

    Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money?

    And the kids these days - they all are the pits

    They want the impossible ...Those mean little ****s

    I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

    Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

    I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them

    They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

    Flying through the air...dodging the trees

    Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

    I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment

    I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

    There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason

    I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

    A. Their balls are just for decoration.


    __________________


  13. #11218
    Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the verandah of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "F**k you!" Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "F**k you too!" Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "F**k you!" swinging more forward again. Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "F**k you again." This goes on. Finally Grandpa says, "You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."


  14. #11219
    The following is an important announcement...

    Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

    The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."

    "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

    After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

    At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

    Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

    Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

    For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.


    __________________


  15. #11220
    Training


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else.

    If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

    Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T) Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T S.H.I.T).

    Since our managers took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T already.

    If you are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic
    Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L S.H.I.T) Those who are full of B.U.L.L S.H.I.T will get the S.H.I.T jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P S.H.I.T)

    If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T S.H.I.T)

    Thank you,


    Boss in General
    (B.I.G S.H.I.T)


    __________________


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