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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
10-13-04, 05:49 AM #10711
Leaving money for the dead
A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there."
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
10-13-04, 05:50 AM #10712
Wedding practical joke
At my cousin's wedding, my dad (who doesn't much care for his nephew's bride) thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had to get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond, whom he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended up breaking his own hand. Good wedding.
10-13-04, 05:51 AM #10713
An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
10-13-04, 05:52 AM #10714
Crying about his life
Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
10-13-04, 08:17 AM #10715
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir,I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers.... 'cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper'.
So....I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she...."
10-13-04, 08:19 AM #10716
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has
some tests run.
The Doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not
going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
"Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, twenty
unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten
Jalapeno peppers, forty walnuts and forty
peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it
off with a gallon of prune juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a
better understanding of what your ass is for."
10-13-04, 12:01 PM #10717
Boot camp, U.S. Marines
Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.
The Sergeant bellows, "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you (deleted) to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU #@$$&*s!"
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention.
The Sergeant hollers, "LOOSEN RANKS!"
The ranks separate a bit. The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest.
"Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.
"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.
"Why not?" barks the Captain.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt.
"Did that hurt, Mister?"
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target.
"Did that hurt, Mister?"
"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"
10-13-04, 12:11 PM #10718
Posted by thedrifter on May 22 2003 02:51 PM:
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son
> a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
> The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who
> "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
> She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.
> "Patrick Henry, 1775."
> "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
> people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
> Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said
> The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
> Martinez,who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you
> She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
> "Who said that?" she demanded.
> Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
> At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
> The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
> Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
> Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
> Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
> "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
> Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you say
> anything else, I'll kill you."
> Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
> Levy 2001."
> The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the
> floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble!"
> Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
10-13-04, 12:12 PM #10719
Posted by thedrifter on May 22 2003 10:34 PM:
Marines Making Love - Is It Fun or Work:
A group of Marine Corp Officers are standing around talking when a Lieutenant, said "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."
Captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work.
Then a Major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."
They are all contemplating these revelations when a Gunnery Sergeant walks by. The officers call the Gunny over to ask his opinion.
The Major says, "Excuse me Gunny, we are having a discussion and would like your input." "The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The Captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Gunny, what is your opinion?"
The Gunny smiles and says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have the enlisted Marines doing it for you."
10-13-04, 12:18 PM #10720
Posted by thedrifter on May 23 2003 02:44 PM:
Hillary Clinton joke
Through some cosmic fluke, Reagan, Thatcher, and Gorbachev all died on the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that these were all VIPs, sent them straight off to the Almighty.
God, sitting on his throne, called up Reagan.
"Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"
"I tried to improve the US economy," replied Reagan, "and I did my best to benefit the nation."
"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my right hand."
And so Reagan sat at his right.
God then called up Gorbachev.
"Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"
"I tried to make Soviet society more open," replied Gorbachev, "and I did my best to improve the Soviet economy."
"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my left hand."
And so Gorbachev sat at his left.
God then called up Hillary.
"Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?"
"Only two things," replied Hillary "First of all, I'm not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair!"
10-13-04, 12:24 PM #10721
Posted by thedrifter on May 23 2003 03:19 PM:
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at
a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's
one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you
that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that
way; they have all the water you need."
The Arab thanked him, staggered away towards the hill and eventually
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was
sitting behind his card table. The man said, "...I told you, about four miles
over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in
without a tie."
10-13-04, 01:02 PM #10722
The TJ Solution
A husband and wife were lying in bed one night. (Since they have small children, the universal-parent coding system for sex is washing machine.) The husband turned to his wife and said in a seductive voice, "washing machine." The wife, being the hard working parent she is, was tired and she said, "Not tonight, dear; I'm tired." He rolled away.
Five minutes later, he rolled back over and repeated "Honey, washing machine." She said, "I've got a headache."
He rolled away again. Ten minutes later, the wife, feeling guilty, turned to her husband and said, "OK, washing machine."
He replied. "That's OK. It was a small load and I did it by hand."
10-14-04, 06:49 AM #10723
A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think,
or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors
examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He
finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the
country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the
pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The
constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only
thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."
The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not
difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches.
He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The
pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He
is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a
small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a
"Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?"
"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.
"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few
things" said the tailor."
The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked
so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.
"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.
"Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing."
"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few
The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The
man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk
The tailor said, "36 right?"
"I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good.
I wear size 34 boxers."
The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long
time and I think you need 36."
The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've
worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to
disagree with you on this one".
"Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want.
But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size
34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you
10-14-04, 06:50 AM #10724
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for
a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his
wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick
his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated
that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His
wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."
10-14-04, 06:50 AM #10725
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in
the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men
found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St.
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now
overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people
entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know
or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then
you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive
report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of
paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it
was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you
can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper
appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly
agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil
brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just
that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my *******." And the idiot went to
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