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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
10-08-04, 06:35 AM #10621
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
10-08-04, 06:36 AM #10622
One-liner about business
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. - Descartes, 1637
10-08-04, 06:36 AM #10623
Bumper stickers 18
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!"
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles."
10-08-04, 06:37 AM #10624
I did all of that?
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
10-08-04, 06:37 AM #10625
Sue over the property
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
10-09-04, 04:51 AM #10626
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are
met by St. Peter.
He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you
six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says....
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."
10-09-04, 07:31 AM #10627
Wedding practical joke
Variation of return your keys
Another twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.
10-09-04, 07:31 AM #10628
An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
- Old students never die, they just get degraded.
- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
10-09-04, 07:31 AM #10629
Rob the supermarket
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.
The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.
The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, "meow", the cop says, "oh, its only a cat"
He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says, "woof, woof". The cop says, "its only a dog".
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says, "potato"
10-09-04, 07:32 AM #10630
A geologist's song 06
The geology poem
Ode to Olivine in Thin Section, a poem by Brenna Lorenz
In basalt a lurid green
Bespeaks the savage olivine;
Mantle's child, born of fire,
Restless in the open air,
Little beads of anger bear
The torture of desire.
Silica upon its face
It suffers, helpless, in disgrace,
Its powers of reaction bound
By solid's bond and cage,
In agony confined to rage
Unstable and unsound.
Its birefringent power plays
The sifted light to rare displays;
The haunting, primal colors tell
Of fire and fury's flag unfurled,
Flag of fluid, nether world,
Beneath the fragile shell.
10-09-04, 07:32 AM #10631
Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!
Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why's that?
Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!
Why do artists never when they play football?
They keep drawing!
10-09-04, 07:33 AM #10632
Bum in need of food
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"
10-09-04, 12:47 PM #10633
Wrong Cell Phone
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand and asks all those present,
"Okay... who's phone is this?"
10-09-04, 12:48 PM #10634
Father and Son
A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes across the condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies, "Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex." The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." The son then picks up one with six condoms asks, "Why six?" The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question. The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."
10-09-04, 12:48 PM #10635
Marriage or Prison
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband.
Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"
The husband sobbed, "I would have gotten out today."
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