Chuckles of the Day... - Page 688
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  1. #10306
    Moronic instructions


    On a hairdryer:
    'Do not use while sleeping.'

    On a bag of chips:
    `You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.'

    On a bar of soap:
    'Directions: use like regular soap.'

    On some frozen dinners:
    'Serving suggestion: defrost.'

    On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
    'Fits one head.'

    On packaged Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
    'Do not turn upside down.'

    On packaged Bread Pudding:
    'Product will be hot after heating.'

    On packaging for an iron:
    'Do not iron clothes on body.'

    On children's cough medicine:
    'Do not drive car or operate machinery.'

    On sleep aid:
    'Warning: may cause drowsiness.'

    On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
    'For indoor or outdoor use only.'

    On peanuts:
    'Warning: contains nuts.'

    On a packet of nuts:
    'Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.'

    On a Swedish chainsaw:
    'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'

    On a child's Superman costume:
    'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #10307
    Womens t's


    Slogans for women's T-shirts:
    I'm out of estrogen - I have a gun.

    Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

    I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

    Next mood swing: six minutes.

    And your point is?

    I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

    I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

    Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

    Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

    Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

    I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

    Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

    You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP

    All stressed out and no one to choke.

    I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

    How can I miss you if you won't go away?

    Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

    Objects under this shirt are larger than they appear.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  3. #10308
    Funny Thoughts


    How come wrong numbers are never busy?

    Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

    Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

    Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

    Does killing time damage eternity?

    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

    Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

    Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

    Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

    Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

    Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

    Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

    Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

    Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

    Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

    Do pilots take crash-courses?

    Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

    Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.
    Washington's picture is on a quarter]

    Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

    Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

    How can there be self-help "groups"?

    How do you get off a non-stop flight?

    How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

    How many weeks are there in a light year?

    If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

    If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

    If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

    If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

    If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

    If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

    If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

    If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

    If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

    If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

    If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

    If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

    If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

    Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

    Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

    Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

    Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #10309
    Funny Thoughts


    Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

    How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

    Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

    Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?

    What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

    If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

    Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

    How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

    Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

    Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

    Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

    Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

    Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

    Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

    Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

    What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #10310
    As Seen On Bumpers


    * "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."

    * "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."

    * "All generalizations are false."

    * "As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."

    * "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

    * "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"

    * "Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him/her sleep."

    * "Montana -- At least our cows are sane!"

    * "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."

    * "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

    * "Friends don't let friends drive naked."

    * "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

    * "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

    * "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."

    * "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."

    * "Forget about world peace. . . Visualize using your turn signal!"

    * "Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

    * "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

    * "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

    * "He who laughs last thinks slowest."

    * "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

    * "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

    * "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

    * "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

    * "Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy."

    * "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

    * "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

    * "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

    * "Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."

    * "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

    * "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

    * "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "

    * "Auntie Em, hate you, hate Kansas - Taking the dog. --Dorothy."

    * "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

    * "I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #10311
    Grocery bag


    What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

    One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #10312
    Important


    Why is it more important for women to be pretty rather than smart?

    Because men can see better than the they can think.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #10313
    Tofu and dildos


    What do tofu and dildos have in common?

    They're both meat substitutes!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  9. #10314
    Rubick's Cube


    What do Rubick's Cubes and penises have in common?

    The more you play with them, the harder they get

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #10315
    All booked up!


    A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

    While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

    At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

    The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes, and say something.

    Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

    Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

    The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, yes, it was.

    The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, can't. It's all booked up for a year."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #10316
    Jonah's Fate


    A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

    The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.

    Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

    To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

    The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #10317
    Disgraced family


    A young girl was going on a date.

    Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys."

    "He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

    He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that.

    But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

    It will disgrace the family."

    With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

    The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted, "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..."

    Granny fainted!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #10318
    First time?


    A guy was walking down the street when a hooker approached him and said, "Say, wanna have a good time?"

    "Sure," he answered her, and they were off to the nearest motel.

    She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

    She says, "Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?"

    The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  14. #10319
    Customer Service


    For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this
    one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers
    we all love!

    An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
    smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

    A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

    Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

    The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
    I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
    something out."

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

    Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you."

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #10320
    Daddy Jonny


    Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

    "No," said his mom, "of course not."

    Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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