Chuckles of the Day... - Page 683
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  1. #10231
    Cookie Care Package


    A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while
    stationed in Saudi Arabia a few months ago. So she sends him a
    care package.

    He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds
    that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of
    his favorite TV shows.

    He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting
    around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some
    episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the
    tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his
    best friend's dick.

    After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she
    turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie
    dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I
    want a divorce."

    Now THAT'S a Dear John letter!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #10232
    How they killed the "Texas Eel"


    Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy
    should be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from other
    boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to
    hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her
    boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least
    his version).

    "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out
    all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her,
    and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse. She
    started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt,
    when he did this she began to moan and sigh.

    Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was
    lying down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and
    unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel. I don't know what
    it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide. He held it
    in his hands so it wouldn't get away. Sis tried to help him, so
    she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and
    stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on
    it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving.

    The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her
    boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought
    the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it
    was slipping out and stuck it back in.

    Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they
    let the eel move but it didn't. It tried to get away but her
    boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there
    limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and
    her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started
    kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn't
    come back to life again, so the battle started again.

    Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time
    they really killed the eel. I saw her boyfriend pull its skin
    off and flush it down the toilet."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  3. #10233
    In the path of progress


    An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day
    he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that
    they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his
    teepee was located and he would have to move.

    He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact
    place for many generations.

    He decided to go into town to talk to someone and get them to change the
    route of the freeway.

    He arrived in town but didn't know where to go so he asked someone for
    directions to the local office of the highway department. He was told to
    go three blocks straight ahead then turn left for two blocks and it would
    be on the right.

    He went three blocks straight ahead then turned right and went into the
    building on the left. It was a drugstore.

    The druggist asked him if he could help him and the Indian replied.
    "Bowels no move!"

    "Oh," said the druggist. That's no problem. Take this twice a day for a
    week." he said, as he gave the Indian a bottle of medicine.

    The Indian left and one week later the he returned. "Hello," said the
    druggist. "Did that medicine work?"

    "Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

    "Well, well," said the druggist. "It appears that we will have to use
    something a little stronger. Take this four times a day for a week."

    The Indian left and one week later he returned. "Hello again," said the
    druggist. "How are you doing?"

    "Bowels still no move!" said the Indian.

    "Oh my goodness!" said the druggist. "This really calls for something
    drastic. This is the most powerful treatment in existance. Take it eight
    times a day for a week."

    The Indian left and one week later he returned. When the druggist saw him
    he asked, "bowels move?"

    "Bowels have to move" said the Indian. "Teepee full of ****."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #10234
    Martian Swingers


    The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
    enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
    about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they
    have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings
    up the subject of sex.

    "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do,"
    responds the Martian.

    Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the
    night and experience one another.

    Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
    He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a
    quarter inch thick.

    "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

    "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

    "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

    "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
    With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
    impressively long.

    "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

    "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
    member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
    exciting to the woman.

    "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

    The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
    separate ways.

    As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

    "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about
    you?"

    "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept
    doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #10235
    Voodoo


    A guy is going to go on a buisness trip, and he doesn't want his wife to cheat on him, so he goes into a porn shop. He walks up to the guy at the front counter, and tells him his story, and asks for something that will work for sure, since he's going to be gone for several weeks.

    The store's clerk replies, "well I have one thing, but it's kind of expensive."

    The man asks "is there's anything else?"

    The clerk says "not that will for sure work."

    So the man says "alright, what is it?"

    "Well it's called voodoo dick. How it works is, you say voodoo dick, then say whatever part of your body you want it to ****."

    Okay the guy says, and buys it. When he brings it home to his wife, she insists that it is not necissary. He explains how to use it to her anyways, and leaves on his trip.

    Later that night his wife was curious about the voodoo dick. So she opened it up, pulled down her panties, and said "voodoo dick my pussy".

    Instantly the voodoo dick starts ****ing her. She has several orgasms before she wants it to stop, but she doesn't know how to get it to stop, and can't figure it out. So she decides to go to the hospital.
    She's driving there, the voodoo dick still ****ing her and she's still having orgasms, When a cop sees how horribly she's driving, and pulls her over.

    He walks up to her window, starts telling her what she has done. When he looks at her and asks "what the **** are you doing?"

    She explains about how her husband didn't want her to cheat on him while he was away, so he got her the voodoo dick, and how it works. She also explains to the officer that she is on the way to the hospital, because she can't figure out how to get the voodoo dick to stop.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #10236
    His last wishes


    Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

    "Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."

    "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

    "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

    "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

    "And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
    "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"

    Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
    "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #10237
    My first time


    The sky was dark,
    The moon was high.
    All alone,
    Just her and I.

    Her hair so soft,
    Her eyes so blue.
    I knew just what,
    She wanted to do.

    Her skin so soft,
    Her legs so fine.
    I ran my fingers,
    Down her spine.

    I didn't know how,
    But I tried my best.
    To place my hand,
    On her breasts.

    I remember my fear,
    My fast beating heart.
    But slowly she spread,
    Her legs apart.

    And when she did it,
    I felt no shame.
    All at once,
    The white stuff came.

    At last it's finished,
    It's all over now.
    My first time,
    Milking a cow!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #10238
    The speech


    An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

    The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

    "Well," he explained "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls, and thus gentlemen. So my speech started 'Ladies and Gentlemen'."

    On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

    When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained "by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'".

    On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

    When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying, 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure'......."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  9. #10239
    The perfect gift


    A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife.

    The storekeeper said he knew exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage.

    "This is Chet," he said, "and Chet can sing Christmas carols and songs."

    Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he proceeded to demonstrate.

    "He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."

    The storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it.

    Immediately, Chet sang: Oh Come, All Ye Faithful.

    "That's fantastic," said the customer.

    "And listen to this," said the storekeeper, warming Chet's other wing. Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem.

    "Wrap him up," said the customer, "I'll take him!"

    When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show you what I got you. This is fantastic."

    He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife. "Now, watch and listen."

    He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night.

    The wife was delighted. As Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World.

    "Let me try it," said the wife, seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to sing passionately:

    "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #10240
    Cows Getting It


    Little Johnnie is sitting on the fence, watching a bull with two cows. The preacher walks up, and asks Johnnie what he is doing.

    Johnnie replies, "I'm watching that bull **** the black cow."

    The preacher, aghast at the language, tells Johnnie that he should say that the bull is going to SURPRISE the black cow.

    Johnnie says, "OK." and the preacher leaves.

    The next day, after church, the preacher is shaking hands with all the parishioners as they leave. When Johnnie appears with his parents, the preacher kneels down, smiles, and says, "So, Johnnie, did the bull SURPRISE the black cow?"

    Johnnie replies, "He sure did! He ****ed the white one!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #10241
    Just Too Stupid


    Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

    "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

    "What sort of trouble?"

    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

    "Went away?"

    "They disappeared."

    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

    "Nothing."

    "Nothing?"

    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

    "How do I tell?"

    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

    "What's a sea-prompt?"

    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

    "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

    "What's a monitor?"

    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

    "I don't know."

    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

    "Yes, I think so."

    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

    ".......Yes, it is."

    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

    "No."

    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

    ".......Okay, here it is."

    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

    "I can't reach."

    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

    "No."

    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

    "Dark?"

    "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

    "Well, turn on the office light then."

    "I can't."

    "No? Why not?"

    "Because there's a power outage."

    "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

    "Really? Is it that bad?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

    "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #10242
    Rabbit and The Bear


    A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers.

    He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, “this isn't right, everyone should live in peace.”

    So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other, he'll give them both three wishes.

    The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

    The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

    The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female.

    Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazement. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted.

    This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

    It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

    Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ''I wish that that bear is gay.''

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #10243
    Jonah's Fate


    A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

    The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale."

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said.

    Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

    To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

    The little girl replied, "Then YOU ask him!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  14. #10244
    Knock Knock 120


    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Luke!
    Luke who?
    Luke through the keyhole and you'll see!

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Luther!
    Luther who?
    Luther the silver lining!

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Lyndon!
    Lyndon who?
    Lyndon ear and I'll tell you!

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Madame!
    Madame who?
    Madame foot is caught in the door!

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Mae!
    Mae who?
    Mae be I'll tell you or Mae be I won't!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #10245
    Knock Knock 150


    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Pyjamas!
    Pyjamas who?
    Pyjamas around me and hold me tight!

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Quacker!
    Quacker who?
    Quacker another bad joke and I'm leaving!

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Quebec!
    Quebec who?
    Quebec to the end of the line!

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Quiet Tina!
    Quiet Tina who?
    Quiet Tina courtroom - monkey wants to speak!

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Rabbit!
    Rabbit who?
    Rabbit up carefully, it's a present!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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