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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
07-12-04, 10:02 AM #9046
What Men Really Mean, Part 2
"Will you marry me?"
Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the
washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address
of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed
to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a
vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing,
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that
you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.
"I brought you a present."
Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry
and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling
the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means.... "It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
"I broke up with her."
Really means.... "She dumped me."
07-12-04, 03:29 PM #9047
A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible', says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No", she says, I"m actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
07-12-04, 03:31 PM #9048
Two blondes were recently observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. Here is their dialogue: Blonde One: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde Two: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder! it's starting to rain, and the top is down!
07-12-04, 03:38 PM #9049
HOW HOT IS IT?
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The trees are whistling for the dogs. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk.
07-12-04, 03:57 PM #9050
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder.The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins.The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did.The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the sugeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and he had just been lucky to get him in time."But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over six years!"
07-12-04, 09:25 PM #9051
THE OLD FARMER SAID, As he went to buy a ticket at the theater, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCKY. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCKY GOES.
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT, "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS PANTS.
HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, ENTERED THE THEATRE AND SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE. THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.
THE OLD FARMER UNZIPPED HIS PANTS SO CHUCKY COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND
WATCH THE MOVIE.
MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNZIPPED HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT," WHISPERED MILDRED
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT," SAID MARGE, "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL."
"I THOUGHT SO TOO," SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN.
07-13-04, 03:23 AM #9052
Pecans In The Cemetery
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike
07-13-04, 07:11 AM #9053
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,
"Don't sell that cow."
07-13-04, 07:13 AM #9054
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
5. Your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his
parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her,
he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole
and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies:
"The President is screwing the Working Class,
While the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored
And the Future is in deep sh!t!"
07-13-04, 09:10 AM #9055
What the Engineer says (What is really meant)
A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still grasping at straws.)
We're working on a fresh approach to the problem.
(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)
Close project coordination.
(We know who to blame.)
Major technological break through.
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)
Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
(We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
Test results were extremely gratifying.
(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)
It is in process.
(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)
We'll look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)
Please read and initial.
(Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake.)
Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.)
Give us your interpretation.
(I can't wait to hear this!)
(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)
(Too heavy to lift!)
(Lighter than rugged.)
Years of development
(One finally worked.)
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)
(Impossible to fix if broken.)
07-13-04, 09:10 AM #9056
A woman came into my pharmacy with a shopping list. As she asked for items such as hair spray and toothpaste, I inquired what size of each she wanted. Everything was going well until she requested a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.
I was surprised when, in response to my usual question, "What size?" she said, "What size would you suggest? I'm only having four for dinner."
07-13-04, 09:11 AM #9057
What Took You So Long?
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.
"What took you so long, son?" he asked.
"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even."
"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noisy place at eight o'clock."
07-13-04, 09:11 AM #9058
What to Drink
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses and waiters now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Mr. Pibb, Sprite, . . ." etc.
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
07-13-04, 09:11 AM #9059
What to Wear
"I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!"
07-13-04, 09:12 AM #9060
What's in a Name?
One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said, "You know my name. What's yours?"
"We're not allowed to give our names," I replied, "but my operator number is 4136"
Sounding disappointed, he said, "May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"
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