Chuckles of the Day... - Page 601
  1. #9001
    Want To Go Out?


    One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

    Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

    They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #9002
    Warranty Card ...


    MCDONNELL DOUGLAS WARRANTY CARD

    The following was a page put on the McDonnell Douglas Internet home page by a worker with a sense of humor. The company took exception to it, however...

    AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

    Important! Important! Please fill out and mail this card within 10
    days of purchase.

    Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
    order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
    fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
    questions is not required, but the information will help us to
    develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

    1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified
    _Other

    First Name

    Initial

    Last Name

    Password

    Code Name

    Latitude Longitude Altitude

    2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? (*** see note at end)

    _F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth _Classified

    3. Date of purchase: Month: Day: Year:

    4. Serial Number:

    5. Please check where this product was purchased:

    _Received as gift/aid package

    _Catalog showroom

    _Sleazy arms broker

    _Mail order

    _Discount store

    _Government surplus

    _Classified

    6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
    product you have just purchased:

    _Heard loud noise, looked up

    _Store display

    _Espionage

    _Recommended by friend/relative/ally

    _Political lobbying by manufacturer

    _Was attacked by one

    7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
    decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

    _Style/appearance

    _Kickback/bribe

    _Recommended by salesperson

    _Speed/maneuverability

    _Comfort/convenience

    _McDonnell Douglas reputation

    _Advanced Weapons Systems

    _Price/value

    _Backroom politics

    _Negative experience opposing one in combat

    8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

    _North America

    _Central/South America

    _Aircraft carrier

    _Europe

    _Middle East

    _Africa

    _Asia/Far East

    _Misc. Third World countries

    _Classified

    9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
    purchase in the near future:

    Product Own Intend to purchase

    Color TV

    VCR

    ICBM

    Killer Satellite

    CD Player

    Air-to-Air Missiles

    Space Shuttle

    Home Computer

    Nuclear Weapon

    10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all
    that apply:

    _Communist/Socialist

    _Terrorist

    _Crazed

    _Neutral

    _Democratic

    _Dictatorship

    _Corrupt

    _Primitive/Tribal

    11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

    _Cash

    _Oil revenues

    _Deficit spending

    _Personal check

    _Credit card

    _Ransom money

    _Traveler's check

    12. Occupation You Your Spouse

    Homemaker

    Sales/marketing

    Revolutionary

    Clerical

    Mercenary

    Tyrant

    Middle management

    Eccentric billionaire

    Defense Minister/general

    Retired

    Student

    13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
    indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse
    enjoy participating on a regular basis:

    Activity/Interest You Your Spouse

    Golf

    Boating/sailing

    Sabotage

    Running/jogging

    Propaganda/disinformation

    Destabilization/overthrow

    Default on loans

    Gardening

    Crafts

    Black market/smuggling

    Collectibles/collections

    Watching sports on TV

    Wines

    Interrogation/torture

    Household pets

    Crushing rebellions

    Espionage/reconnaissance

    Fashion clothing

    Border disputes

    Mutually Assured Destruction

    Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
    answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
    Douglas serve you better in the future--as well as allowing you to
    receive mailings and special offers from other companies,
    governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

    Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

    McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
    Marketing Department
    Military Aerospace Division
    P.O. Box 800
    St. Louis

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  3. #9003
    Warranty Down Under

    (From Paul Zucker, Newsbytes News Service

    SYDNEY, Australia (NB) -- A friend of Newsbytes swears that the following is a true story:

    After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival.

    Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: "Did you check to see whether the power was on?"

    "Of course."

    DED: "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?"

    "Of course."

    DED: Then why are you calling me?"

    "Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty," pleaded the frustrated purchaser.

    "Of course there is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover."

    Like we said, he swears it's a true story.

    [Ed: NewsBytes is available via the Source, Genie, PC-Link & ClariNet]

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #9004
    Washington Ballet


    There's a very good reason why the ballet is so popular in Washington, D.C.

    None of the politicians there are used to seeing people on their toes.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #9005
    Washington D.C.


    A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"

    The reply was, "Washington D.C."

    On being asked what the 'D.C.' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #9006
    Watch Your Step!




    While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

    The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....


    Energy efficient vehicle.
    Runs on oats and grass.
    Caution: Do not step on exhaust.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #9007
    The Water Hole


    A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud day and night."

    "Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #9008
    There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day.
    One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that
    he was tanned all over except his "thingie." So he decided to do something about it.

    He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thingie" which he left sticking up.

    Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."

    The other lady asked what she meant.
    She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it.
    When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
    When I was 40, I begged for it.
    When I was 50, I paid for it.
    When I was 60, I prayed for it.
    When I was 70, I forgot about it.

    Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat.





  9. #9009

    Clinton Soup

    Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.


  10. #9010

    Redneck Song Titles

    10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog

    Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

    9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow

    But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

    8. I'm So Miserable Without You

    It's Like Having You Here

    7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted

    To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

    6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend

    And I Sure Do Miss Him

    5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

    4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

    3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

    2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

    1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women,

    but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.




  11. #9011
    The Wayside Chapel



    An English woman, while in Switzerland, looked at several rooms in a large apartment house. She told the schoolmaster who owned the house that she would let him know about renting one of the rooms later. However, after she arrived back at her hotel, the thought occurred to her that she had not asked about the water closet (bathroom). She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking about the "W.C.", being too bashful to write out the words "water closet." The Swiss schoolmaster, who was far from being an expert in English, did not know what the initials "W.C." meant. He asked the parish priest, and together they decided that it meant Wayside Chapel.The schoolmaster then wrote the following letter to the very surprised woman.

    Dear Madame,

    I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is located seven miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sunday and Thursday only. I recommend that you come early,although there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

    You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford it go by car and arrive just in time. I would especially suggest that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is social music. Acoustically, the place is excellent.

    It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C., and it was there she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats.

    The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings joyously every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all, since the people think it is a long-felt need.

    My wife is rather delicate and does not go regularly. Naturally, it pains her very much not to attend more often.

    If you wish, I shall be glad to reserve the best seat for you where you will be seen by all. Hoping I have been of service to you, I remain,

    Sincerely,
    [the schoolmaster]

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #9012
    Ways to Confuse Santa


    Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

    While he's in your house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

    Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

    While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

    Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

    Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

    Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

    Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

    While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

    Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

    Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled."

    While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'd mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the commercials come on.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #9013
    The Weakest Link






    Are you the weakest link?

    Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them without delay.
    You can't take your time; answer all of them immediately.

    Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
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    First Question:
    You are participating in a race.
    You overtake the second person.
    What position are you in?
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    Answer:
    If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong!
    If you overtake the second person and you take his place,
    you are second!
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    (To answer the second question, don't take as much time
    as you took for the first question.)

    Second Question:
    If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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    Answer:
    If you answered that you are second to last,
    then you are wrong again. If you were first and
    lapped the last person, then you are still first.
    (You're not very good at this are you?)
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    Third Question: Very tricky math!
    Note: This must be done in your head Only.
    Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

    Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
    Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.
    Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
    What is the total?
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    Answer:
    Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
    Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
    The decimal sequence confuses your brain, which always
    jumps to the highest decimals (100's instead of 10's).
    Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get
    the last question right?
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    4th Question: Mary's father has five daughters:
    Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the
    fifth daughter?
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    Answer:
    Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth
    daughter's name is Mary. Read the question again.



    How did you do?

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  14. #9014
    Webster's Dictionary


    (Warning, you are about to enter a pun zone!)

    Webster's dictionary editors met to decide how to abridge the new edition.

    "We are listing too many old words that no one uses any more, they've got to go," said the chief editor. "It's time we faced the fact that ....








    (Get ready)











    (Here it comes)













    we can't have archaic and edit too."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #9015
    Wedding Anniversary




    On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

    "I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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