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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
07-06-04, 08:45 AM #8926
Understanding the Metric System
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards (or is it 52 cards = 1 deck-a-cards?)
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3-1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickles = 2 paradigms
07-06-04, 08:46 AM #8927
"What is the number on the house?"
"Well...I don't know."
"Have you ever filled out a claim before?"
"The Public Broadcasing System."
"What was your position?"
"No, no, I mean were you an executive, a sales rep, a consultant...?"
"Well, I was just a bird... isn't that a job?"
"How long were you employed as a... bird?"
"Let's see...1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."
"What are you doing?"
"Counting the number of years I was with PBS."
"Don't you know offhand?"
"I'm just so used to counting things."
"Oh... is that what you did for PBS... inventory?"
"No... I just counted things."
"You counted things... you mean you were a counting bird?"
"Yes... well, sometimes I did letters."
"Please, call me Big Bird."
"Mr. Bird, you're not helping much. How can I get you your
unemployment benefits if I can't find out what you did for a living?"
"I'm sorry, Miss Unemployment Person."
"What else can you do besides count and read?"
"I can walk around my neighborhood and help kids."
"You mean like a counselor?"
"I guess so... is that someone who counts?"
"No, it... never mind... do you have any references?"
"Well, there's Oscar the Grouch and Snuffleupagus."
"Can you at least tell me why you were let go from your last job?"
"I don't know... a lot of us can't go there anymore. Elmo, Kermit,
The Frugal Gourmet, Mr. Pavoratti."
"Have you tried networking?"
"No, Mr. Hooper always told me to stay away from the networks."
"Mr. Bird, bring these forms back in 2 weeks listing your job
"Won't you believe me if I just told you I looked for a job?"
"Mr. Bird, I don't make the rules."
"Who makes the rules? Can you teach me?"
"Mr. Bird, it's a long story. I'll see you in 2 weeks for
"OK... thank you for helping me."
"You're welcome... Mr. Bird, before you go, I just thought of
something. Someone was in here last week who acted just like you.
Maybe he could help you out."
"That's wonderful! Do you have his name?"
"I don't remember his last name... it was Barney something..."
07-06-04, 08:46 AM #8928
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "If I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
07-06-04, 08:47 AM #8929
The supervisor for the Union Of Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order.
"Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the state. We'll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!"
"HOOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.
"We'll quit work at 4 PM and not 5 PM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared.
"We don't have to be in until 11 AM instead of 10 AM!"
"HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.
"And now, even though 99% of the roads in the country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll only have to work on Wednesdays!!"
A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean, EVERY Wednesday?"
07-06-04, 08:57 AM #8930
I think I went through boot with this guy
Telephone man in the Marines
A telphone man joined the Marines. As part of his
basic training, he went out on the rifle range.
He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the
target with every shot! His Drill Instructor
tried to find out why.
"What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why
can't you hit the target? What were you in
"I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit,
"and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let
The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his
rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time.
He then put his finger in front of the muzzle,
pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his
"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain,
"the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble
must be on the other end!"
07-06-04, 06:24 PM #8931
A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening.
The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for
what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to
cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away,
leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was
anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars,
so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling
As he peered by the gradually fading light of his
flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries,
like he had promised.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice,
"It's your fuel pump."
The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the
underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the field alongside and
the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses
repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and
try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight,
turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life.
He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.
"Large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face
and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale
to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A
horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher
"because the black horse don't know $h*t about cars!"
07-06-04, 10:26 PM #8932
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towners who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle..."
The old woman fainted.
07-06-04, 11:00 PM #8933
During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Wednesday,
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to
increase every Native American's income by $40,000 a year. Senator
Kerry refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however. He
also told the Apaches that during his Senate career, he has voted YES
9,637 times for every Indian issue ever introduced.
Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the
Presidential candidate a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name,
After Kerry left, tribal officials explained that Running Eagle
is a bird so full of **** it can't fly.
07-07-04, 09:02 AM #8934
The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.
The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.
It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.
Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete".
The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.
07-07-04, 09:03 AM #8935
A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:
Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code
of a program ?
UNIX consultant: Yes, that's correct.
Customer: No, what is it ?
UNIX consultant: Yes.
Customer: So, which is the one ?
UNIX consultant: No. 'which' is used to find the program.
Customer: Stop this. Who are you ?
UNIX consultant: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo'
to get information about yoo'.
Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?
UNIX consultant: Use 'what'.
Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true ?
UNIX consultant: No. 'true' gives you 0.
Customer: Which one ?
UNIX consultant: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'
Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?
UNIX consultant: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program'
to get the revision code.
Customer: I want to find the revision code.
UNIX consultant: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.
Customer: Which command will do what I need?
UNIX consultant: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.
Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.
UNIX consultant: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.
Customer: Write what?
UNIX consultant: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.
Customer: Cut that out!
UNIX consultant: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.
Customer: Do you always do this ?
UNIX consultant: 'du' will give you disk usage.
UNIX consultant: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).
Customer: You make me angry.
UNIX consultant: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when
I was upset once.
Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX consultant: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system
Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!
UNIX consultant: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is
better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but
'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.
Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX consultant: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the
Pascal Compiler team.
07-07-04, 09:03 AM #8936
There is a famous saying which states that "necessity is the mother of invention", however the inventions on this list seem far from necessary.
**Makeup That is Tattooed on:
You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?
**Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.
**Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.
**Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.
You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.
Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
**Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.
**Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.
Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
07-07-04, 09:04 AM #8937
This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching! You probably won't, at first, find anything particularly odd or unusual or in any way dissimilar to any ordinary composition. That is not at all surprising, for it is no strain to accomplish in so short a paragraph a stunt similar to that which an author did throughout all of his book, without spoiling a good writing job, and it was no small book at that. By studying this paragraph assiduously, you will shortly, I trust, know what is its distinguishing oddity. Upon locating that "mark of distinction," you will probably doubt my story of this author and his book of similar unusuality throughout. It is commonly known among book-conscious folk and proof of it is still around. If you must know, this sort of writing is known as a lipogram, but don't look up that word in any dictionary until you find out what this is all about.
(Scroll down for the answer)
The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the text of the long paragraph. Nor did the letter "e" appear even once among the over 50,000 words of text in the novel "Gadsby: Champion of Youth" by Ernest Vincent Wright.
From the Encyclopedia Britanica: lipogram - a written text deliberately composed of words not having a certain letter (such as the "Odyssey of Tryphiodorus", which had no alpha in the first book, no beta in the second, and so on).
07-07-04, 09:04 AM #8938
Urges and Feelings
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."
He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf."
07-07-04, 09:04 AM #8939
A Useful Tip
In promulgating your esoteric cogitation or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.
Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiation have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.
In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."
07-07-04, 09:05 AM #8940
User Error ...
Today at work I was moving a computer system and listening to the conversation at the point of sale. A customer had brought his caller ID box back into the store and was rather irritably asking for a refund, as the device didn't work.
The customer service rep had taken it out of the box and was making sure that the customer had attached it to his phone properly. During her demonstration of the proper way to hook up the gadget, she removed the static cling label off the front, which showed a sample caller ID screen on it.
It was difficult for her to maintain a straight face as the customer realized the reason the numbers on the front never changed . . .
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