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  1. #8926
    Understanding the Metric System


    1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

    1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

    2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

    10 cards = 1 decacards (or is it 52 cards = 1 deck-a-cards?)

    1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn

    1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

    453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

    10 rations = 1 decoration

    10 millipedes = 1 centipede

    3-1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

    10 monologs = 5 dialogues

    2 monograms = 1 diagram

    8 nickles = 2 paradigms

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #8927
    Unemployment Office


    "Last name?"

    "Bird."

    "First name?"

    "Big."

    "Excuse me?"

    "Big...Big Bird."

    "Address?"

    "Sesame Street."

    "Sesame Street?"

    "Yes."

    "What is the number on the house?"

    "Well...I don't know."

    "Have you ever filled out a claim before?"

    "No."

    "Previous employer?"

    "The Public Broadcasing System."

    "What was your position?"

    "Standing."

    "No, no, I mean were you an executive, a sales rep, a consultant...?"

    "Well, I was just a bird... isn't that a job?"

    "How long were you employed as a... bird?"

    "Let's see...1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."

    "What are you doing?"

    "Counting the number of years I was with PBS."

    "Don't you know offhand?"

    "I'm just so used to counting things."

    "Oh... is that what you did for PBS... inventory?"

    "No... I just counted things."

    "You counted things... you mean you were a counting bird?"

    "Yes... well, sometimes I did letters."

    "Mr. Bird..."

    "Please, call me Big Bird."

    "Mr. Bird, you're not helping much. How can I get you your
    unemployment benefits if I can't find out what you did for a living?"

    "I'm sorry, Miss Unemployment Person."

    "What else can you do besides count and read?"

    "I can walk around my neighborhood and help kids."

    "You mean like a counselor?"

    "I guess so... is that someone who counts?"

    "No, it... never mind... do you have any references?"

    "Well, there's Oscar the Grouch and Snuffleupagus."

    "Can you at least tell me why you were let go from your last job?"

    "I don't know... a lot of us can't go there anymore. Elmo, Kermit,
    The Frugal Gourmet, Mr. Pavoratti."

    "Have you tried networking?"

    "No, Mr. Hooper always told me to stay away from the networks."

    "Mr. Bird, bring these forms back in 2 weeks listing your job
    search."

    "Won't you believe me if I just told you I looked for a job?"

    "Mr. Bird, I don't make the rules."

    "Who makes the rules? Can you teach me?"

    "Mr. Bird, it's a long story. I'll see you in 2 weeks for
    orientation."

    "OK... thank you for helping me."

    "You're welcome... Mr. Bird, before you go, I just thought of
    something. Someone was in here last week who acted just like you.
    Maybe he could help you out."

    "That's wonderful! Do you have his name?"

    "I don't remember his last name... it was Barney something..."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  3. #8928
    Unexpected Knock




    There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"

    "Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."

    "Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.

    "Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.

    "Lady," he replied wearily, "If I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #8929
    Union Contract


    The supervisor for the Union Of Road Construction Workers called the meeting to order.

    "Men -- we've agreed on a new deal with the state. We'll no longer have to work FOUR days a week!"

    "HOOORAY!!!" the crowd cheered.

    "We'll quit work at 4 PM and not 5 PM!"

    "HOORAY!!!" the crowd roared.

    "We don't have to be in until 11 AM instead of 10 AM!"

    "HOORAY!!!" the crowd thundered.

    "And now, even though 99% of the roads in the country are blocked by orange barrels, we'll only have to work on Wednesdays!!"

    Silence.

    A voice from the back of the room asks, "You mean, EVERY Wednesday?"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #8930
    I think I went through boot with this guy
    --------------------------------------
    Telephone man in the Marines

    A telphone man joined the Marines. As part of his
    basic training, he went out on the rifle range.
    He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the
    target with every shot! His Drill Instructor
    tried to find out why.

    "What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why
    can't you hit the target? What were you in
    civilian life?"

    "I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit,
    "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let
    me see..."

    The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his
    rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time.
    He then put his finger in front of the muzzle,
    pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his
    finger off!

    "Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain,
    "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble
    must be on the other end!"


  6. #8931
    A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening.

    The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for

    what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to

    cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away,

    leaving him sitting by the road in total silence.

    He popped the hood and looked to see if there was

    anything that he could do to get it going again.

    Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars,

    so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling

    despondent.

    As he peered by the gradually fading light of his

    flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries,

    like he had promised.

    Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice,

    "It's your fuel pump."

    The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the

    underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

    There were two horses standing in the field alongside and

    the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses

    repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and

    try it again."

    Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight,

    turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life.

    He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched

    away.
    When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar.

    "Large whiskey, please!" he said.

    A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face

    and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"


    "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale

    to the rancher.

    The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A

    horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"


    The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

    "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher

    "because the black horse don't know $h*t about cars!"


  7. #8932
    Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-towners who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
    too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
    I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle..."

    The old woman fainted.



  8. #8933
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    During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Wednesday,
    Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to
    increase every Native American's income by $40,000 a year. Senator
    Kerry refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however. He
    also told the Apaches that during his Senate career, he has voted YES
    9,637 times for every Indian issue ever introduced.

    Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the
    Presidential candidate a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name,
    Running Eagle.

    After Kerry left, tribal officials explained that Running Eagle
    is a bird so full of **** it can't fly.


  9. #8934
    University Classroom


    The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class.

    The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

    It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

    Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete".

    The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #8935
    UNIX Consultant




    A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:

    Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code
    of a program ?

    UNIX consultant: Yes, that's correct.

    Customer: No, what is it ?

    UNIX consultant: Yes.

    Customer: So, which is the one ?

    UNIX consultant: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

    Customer: Stop this. Who are you ?

    UNIX consultant: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo'
    to get information about yoo'.

    Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?

    UNIX consultant: Use 'what'.

    Customer: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true ?

    UNIX consultant: No. 'true' gives you 0.

    Customer: Which one ?

    UNIX consultant: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

    Customer: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

    UNIX consultant: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program'
    to get the revision code.

    Customer: I want to find the revision code.

    UNIX consultant: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.

    Customer: Which command will do what I need?

    UNIX consultant: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

    Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

    UNIX consultant: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.

    Customer: Write what?

    UNIX consultant: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

    Customer: Cut that out!

    UNIX consultant: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.

    Customer: Do you always do this ?

    UNIX consultant: 'du' will give you disk usage.

    Customer: HELP!

    UNIX consultant: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

    Customer: You make me angry.

    UNIX consultant: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when
    I was upset once.

    Customer: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

    UNIX consultant: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system
    has 'more'.

    Customer: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

    UNIX consultant: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is
    better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but
    'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

    Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

    UNIX consultant: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the
    Pascal Compiler team.



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #8936
    Unnecessary Inventions


    There is a famous saying which states that "necessity is the mother of invention", however the inventions on this list seem far from necessary.

    **Makeup That is Tattooed on:
    You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?

    **Colored Elastics For Braces:
    As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

    **Crayons That Smell:
    Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

    **Juicers:
    Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.

    **Colored Contact Lenses:
    Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

    **Fake Eyelashes:
    You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

    **The Epilady:
    Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

    **Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
    Kleenex does not get chilly.

    **Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
    Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.

    **Thong underwear:
    Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

    **Doggie Sweaters:
    Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #8937
    Unusual Paragraph




    This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out! Try to do so without any coaching! You probably won't, at first, find anything particularly odd or unusual or in any way dissimilar to any ordinary composition. That is not at all surprising, for it is no strain to accomplish in so short a paragraph a stunt similar to that which an author did throughout all of his book, without spoiling a good writing job, and it was no small book at that. By studying this paragraph assiduously, you will shortly, I trust, know what is its distinguishing oddity. Upon locating that "mark of distinction," you will probably doubt my story of this author and his book of similar unusuality throughout. It is commonly known among book-conscious folk and proof of it is still around. If you must know, this sort of writing is known as a lipogram, but don't look up that word in any dictionary until you find out what this is all about.


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    The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the text of the long paragraph. Nor did the letter "e" appear even once among the over 50,000 words of text in the novel "Gadsby: Champion of Youth" by Ernest Vincent Wright.

    From the Encyclopedia Britanica: lipogram - a written text deliberately composed of words not having a certain letter (such as the "Odyssey of Tryphiodorus", which had no alpha in the first book, no beta in the second, and so on).

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #8938
    Urges and Feelings




    A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else."

    He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal ... it's called golf."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  14. #8939
    A Useful Tip


    In promulgating your esoteric cogitation or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.

    Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.

    Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.

    Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiation have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.

    Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

    In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #8940
    User Error ...

    Today at work I was moving a computer system and listening to the conversation at the point of sale. A customer had brought his caller ID box back into the store and was rather irritably asking for a refund, as the device didn't work.

    The customer service rep had taken it out of the box and was making sure that the customer had attached it to his phone properly. During her demonstration of the proper way to hook up the gadget, she removed the static cling label off the front, which showed a sample caller ID screen on it.

    It was difficult for her to maintain a straight face as the customer realized the reason the numbers on the front never changed . . .

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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