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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
07-01-04, 06:53 AM #8821
A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health food store and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly what she did with the tofu in her basket.
She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks at it for several weeks and then throws it away.
The man replied, "That's exactly what my wife does with it. I was hoping you had a better recipe."
07-01-04, 06:54 AM #8822
Tom Jones Syndrome
A man went to the doctor with a strange complaint.
"Well it's like this Doc, when I drive to work in the morning through the country lanes I start to sing 'The green green grass of home'. If I see a cat then it's 'What's new, pussy cat?'. It's so embaracing, even when I'm asleep and dreaming, I still keep singing. Last night, it was 'Delilah', and my wife was not amused!"
"Yes, it would apear that you have the early symptoms of Tom Jones syndrome".
"Well I've never heard of that, is it common?" asked the man.
"It's not unusual", replied the doctor.
07-01-04, 06:54 AM #8823
While vacationing on Cape Cod, my wife and I stopped at a small way-side stand and bought some tomatoes. When I commented how small they were, the proprietor's reply was "Ay-up."
Returning a day or two later, my wife told the man the tomatoes he had sold us were tough and not very flavorful.
The old gentleman nodded, looked at us a moment, then said, "Lucky they was small, ain't it?"
07-01-04, 06:54 AM #8824
We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation he said, "They're going to give you a phone."
07-01-04, 06:55 AM #8825
The Tool Manifesto
1. The main reason to have tools is in order to build other tools.
2. A secondary reason is to repair tools that you have collected.
3. A tertiary reason is to improve tools that you have collected.
4. A fourth reason is to restore tools to their previous condition after your improvements did not work.
5. A fifth reason is to create, from scratch, any missing parts of collected tools that are made out of unobtainium.
6. In collecting and restoring tools it is essential to obtain only original manufactured parts even if these are much more expensive and there are perfectly serviceable equivalent, after-market parts at a fraction of the cost. If the tool is to be used for any of the above 5 reasons, then it is okay to use the un-official after-market part in a pinch -- but it is always preferable to find and restore the official one when you can -- even if it comes to cutting 3/4 x 8.1 acme thread lead screws for you old Logan lathe.
7. It is theoretically possible to use tools for non-tool building and restoring purposes, but this is largely speculative and hotly debated.
8. When tools are used for purposes such as 7 above, the more and heavier the tools used to accomplish that purpose, the more glory there is in it. For example, this afternoon, the elastic on my wife's favorite pair of jeans broke. Because of the way it was manufactured, it was impossible to thread a new elastic into the waistband. The obvious solution was to install a dozen brass eyelets around the waistband and to provide a tie made out of a pair of old shoelaces. I had the eyelets, but because of the huge number of drawers full of tools, I could not find the eyelet tool or the proper hole punch. I made a new hole punch, using both lathes and a tool-post grinder. Then I had to make a die for the punch. Having no stock of the proper diameter, I mounted a square piece of stock on my rotary table and used the mill to cut it to an approximate round shape. More work on the lathe to cut the die and on the other lathe, to cut the punch. I had to use the taper attachment both times. Of course, there was heavy-duty work on the bench grinder to make all the form tools that were obviously needed for this task. I admit that because I did not have a heat-treating oven, it was not possible for me to properly heat-treat and harden the punch, the die, or the hole cutter. I did an admitedly poor job using a big torch.
It is obvious that I am missing:
(1) a heat-treating oven,
(2) a centerless grinder,
(3) a precision tool grinder.
When I finished the job, I put the new tools away in the proper drawer and found the existing hole punch, die, and grommet punch. However, my labors were totally vindicated because the hole punch was at least 1/64 oversized and the die for the grommet as well as the corresponding grommet punch were about the same amount under. The proper solution, had I been able to truly and fully practice the religion would have been to make my own grommets that would properly fit the existing hole punch, die, and grommet punch. For this I would've made the appropriate four punch die.
It is clear that I also needed, therefore, a 10 ton punch press. No doubt the shim stock that I would have used would have been wrong, mandating a small rolling mill suitable for brass -- and an anealing oven since one should have separate heat-treating and anealing ovens. All these deficiencies and problems notwithstanding, I did the best I could.
I mounted the jean's waistband on a piece of heavy steel stock - 2 x 1 x 26 (she is a small person) and clamped the waistband to the stock using every single small machinist's clamp that I had. First however, I had attached (after careful milling and scraping) a right angle block at both ends so that the jig could be placed either upright or lying down. Then, carefully applying dykem blue on the backside of the jig, I let that dry and took the lot over to the surface plate where I marked a horizontal line at the proper distance, and then standing the jig on end -- first one side and then the other, I carefully marked the spacing for the grommets and then center punched all the holes -- obviously, the fact that my height gauge is only 18" is a serious deficiency, and I really need a 36" height gauge for this job -- I did briefly consider making one but rejected that as being excessively punctilious. Having marked the hole locations, I took them over to the drill press and drilled small pilot holes (1/8) through the steel and into the cloth. I had to move the job several times -- the fact that I did not have that essential 24" throat radial drill press really bothered me -- another item for the shopping list. I suppose I could have done it on a Bridgeport in a pinch -- but my mill table has only 15" of travel so that was obviously inadequate. I won't go into the jig I used to allign the hold punch and grommet punch with the pilot holes because that is obvious and elementary.
The final tool was a 28" steel corkscrew with forged eyelet. That was formed on a die of the right pitch -- which was a job because neither of my lathes will cut screw threads of that pitch -- I obviously was missing a gunsmith's rifling set-up which with suitable adaptation would have made making that forming die for the corkscrew a trivial task: But I fixed that by hobbing a pair of special change gears for the small SB lathe.
It took several tries to get the pitch just right (2.5403") so that it was possible to thread the corkscrew through all the grommets, then snag the shoelace in the forged eyelets and withdraw the lot to accomplish a perfectly threaded shoelace-belt. Mission accomplished.
What I don't understand is why she complained about the cutting oil that inevitably got on the jeans -- and after all my work she threw the darned things into the garbage can -- there is no explanation of such things to people who do not understand the purpose of tools.
07-01-04, 06:55 AM #8826
Tools for Women
A woman needs only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
07-01-04, 06:55 AM #8827
A very cheap man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time, the man received an acknowledgement from his friend. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."
07-01-04, 06:56 AM #8828
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
07-01-04, 06:57 AM #8829
My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."
07-01-04, 06:57 AM #8830
The Tooth Fairy
Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case
of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your
request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the
time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory,
or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other: __________________________________________________ __
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the
following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at
a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we
look forward to serving you in the future.
The Tooth Fairy
07-01-04, 06:58 AM #8831
The True Spirit of Christmas - "The Toothless Grin"
This posting is not humor but is a story that I like. File it under "inspirational" ...
I was doing some last-minute Christmas shopping in a toy store and decided to look at Barbie dolls for my nieces. A nicely dressed little girl was excitedly looking through the Barbie dolls as well, with a roll of money clamped tightly in her little hand. When she came upon a Barbie she liked, she would turn and ask her father if she had enough money to buy it.
He usually said "yes," but she would keep looking and keep going through their ritual of "do I have enough?" As she was looking, a little boy wandered in across the aisle and started sorting through the Pokemon toys. He was dressed neatly, but in clothes that were obviously rather worn, and wearing a jacket that was probably a couple of sizes too small. He too had money in his hand, but it looked to be no more than five dollars or so at the most. He was with his father as well, and kept picking up the Pokemon video toys. Each time he picked one up and looked at his father, his father shook his head, "No."
The little girl had apparently chosen her Barbie, a beautifully dressed, glamorous doll that would have been the envy of every little girl on the block. However, she had stopped and was watching the interchange between the little boy and his father. Rather dejectedly, the boy had given up on the video games and had chosen what looked like a book of stickers instead. He and his father then started walking through another aisle of the store.
The little girl put her Barbie back on the shelf, and ran over to the Pokemon games. She excitedly picked up one that was lying on top of the other toys, and raced toward the check-out, after speaking with her father. I picked up my purchases and got in line behind them. Then, much to the little girl's obvious delight, the little boy and his father got in line behind me.
After the toy was paid for and bagged, the little girl handed it back to the cashier and whispered something in her ear. The cashier smiled and put the package under the counter.
I paid for my purchases and was rearranging things in my purse when the little boy came up to the cashier. The cashier rang up his purchases and then said, "Congratulations, you are my hundredth customer today, and you win a prize!" With that, she handed the little boy the Pokemon game, and he could only stare in disbelief. It was, he said, exactly what he had wanted!
The little girl and her father had been standing at the doorway during all of this, and I saw the biggest, prettiest, toothless grin on that little girl that I have ever seen in my life. Then they walked out the door, and I followed close behind them. As I walked back to my car in amazement over what I had just witnessed, I heard the father ask his daughter why she had done that. I'll never forget what she said to him.
"Daddy, didn't Nana and PawPaw want me to buy something that would make me happy?"
He said, "Of course they did, honey."
To which the little girl replied, "Well, I just did!"
With that, she giggled and started skipping toward their car. Her toothless grin said it all. Apparently, she had decided on the answer to her own question of, "Do I have enough?"
I feel very privileged to have witnessed the true spirit of Christmas in that toy store, in the form of a little girl who understands more about the reason for the season than most adults I know!
Written by Sharon Palmer
07-01-04, 06:58 AM #8832
To The Rescue
Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.
One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and stopped to give our dog a drink from the garden hose. A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"
07-01-04, 07:14 PM #8833
Blonde in Pain
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."
07-01-04, 07:14 PM #8834
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.
"So, how did you do, son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
07-01-04, 07:15 PM #8835
The Football Moms
Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?"
Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?"
The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered...running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the ****s?"
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