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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
05-30-04, 11:21 AM #8401
The Right Card
A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, Anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"
The boy shook his head and answered, "Got any like a blank report card?"
05-30-04, 11:21 AM #8402
Right Hand Over Your Heart
Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class that each school day starts with the Pledge of Allegiance and instructed them to put their right hand over their heart and repeat after him.
As he starts the recitation he looks around the room, "I pledge allegiance... to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Johnny he found he had his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.
"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit she pats me there and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
05-30-04, 11:22 AM #8403
"Lead a righteous and spiritual life," admonished a minister to a young rascal he caught causing trouble, "for there will be weeping, wailing and a gnashing of teeth among the wicked who pass on to the next world."
"What if you haven't got any teeth?" said the boy.
"Teeth will be provided!"
06-02-04, 06:19 AM #8404
A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"
"Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."
06-02-04, 06:19 AM #8405
They've closed a road near where I live in order to repair a collapsed sewer-pipe. The construction workers have put up a sign saying:
But, since the actual road closure is not apparent until you go around a bend, a lot of drivers go just to see if the road is *really* closed.
After they see that the road really is closed, they start making their way back. Their embarrassment is made worse by another sign right behind the ROAD CLOSED sign, but facing them on their return. The new sign reads:
TOLD YOU SO!
06-02-04, 06:20 AM #8406
A robber walks into a bank, produces a gun and points to the teller saying, "Give me all the money or you'll be geography."
The teller looks up and says, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber replies, "Don't change the subject."
06-02-04, 06:20 AM #8407
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.
"How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it in a colossal mess.
Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More'n an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffin' it through those dumb little holes."
06-02-04, 06:21 AM #8408
As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."
The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded.
Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."
06-02-04, 06:21 AM #8409
A career Army officer I once met was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and after a while, the jumpmaster called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick.
"How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?" asked the jumpmaster.
"Well, Sir," one trainee explained, "we've always jumped out of planes. We've never actually landed before."
06-02-04, 06:21 AM #8410
Round n' Round
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up and landed on its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom. Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway, turning in circles.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place . . .
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"
06-02-04, 06:22 AM #8411
Rudolph the Red
Mr. and Mrs. Smith were touring Russia. Their guide argued all the time. As the couple was leaving Moscow, the husband said, "Look, it's snowing out."
The guide disagreed, "No, sir, it's raining out."
"I still think it's snowing," said Mr. Smith.
But his wife replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear."
06-02-04, 06:22 AM #8412
Rudolph's Surgery (a groaner!)
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good job.
Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon because he was so sensitive about his looks.
However, it wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears which were much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer, or bear, for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the reconstructive surgical procedure, and since that time, January 1st has been celebrated as ... New Ears Day.
06-02-04, 06:23 AM #8413
(A true account)
Long before the term "attitude adjustment" came into being, I recall momís special ruler hanging from a nail in the kitchen next to the fly swatter. When I was bad, I got spanked; when I was *really* bad, my bottom would make sudden contact with the smooth-sanded tool.
Somewhere between Seattle and Tokyo, while crossing the Pacific in an ocean liner, I found momís ruler hiding inside our stateroomís desk drawer.
Oh, what a discovery! Only four years old and I had already grasped the "IF-THEN" axiom concept: [IF] I was bad, [THEN] I got my bare buttocks smacked by that ruler.
Fortunately, there was a private laundry chute built right into the stateroom compartment wall, where passengers conveniently deposited their dirty laundry as well as other occasional items. What a shock it was when our fresh laundry was returned a day later with the uncommonly clean ruler sitting on the top of the pile.
"You lose something, Mrs. Lee?" asked the room steward, grinning.
"Not at all," replied mom, eyeing me in the way mothers sometimes do. "I just temporarily misplaced it."
(I SHOULD HAVE THROWN IT OVERBOARD.)
06-02-04, 06:23 AM #8414
Rules for Being Human
1) You will receive a body.
You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period
this time around.
2) You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in
this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like
the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3) There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed"
experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that
4) A lesson is repeated until learned.
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have
learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next
5) Learning lessons does not end.
There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are
alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6) "There" is no better than "here".
When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another
"there" that will, again, look better than "here."
7) Others are merely mirrors of you.
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it
reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8) What you make of your life is up to you.
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is
up to you. The choice is yours.
9) Your answers lie inside you.
The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is
look, listen, and trust.
10) You will forget all this.
06-02-04, 06:24 AM #8415
Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
VII. GUESTS: Check human house guests carefully to detect who might have an allergy, the more allergic the house guest, the closer you should stay. This will shorten the stay of the allergic human house guest and your owner can spend time with you as they should have been doing in the first place. If the human house guest has brought a guest-pet, be as rude as possible, hissing at an audible volume. This will let the guest-pet know s/he has been noticed and is unappreciated.
VIII. SINGING: Always schedule your performances between 2 and 3 AM so as to have the full attention of everyone in the household.
IX. GUILT. Cats have no guilt. Owners have guilt. Jewish owners have cornered the market on guilt but they sometimes will share. Guilt in owners equals treats for kitty. Guilt can be invoked in many ways such as giving your owner a pathetic look when s/he returns from work related travel or after your owner has shouted at you for having practiced an exercise in hampering.
X. FUR. Carefully examine and take note of the color of your coat. Your goal is to find contrast between your fur and a human's wardrobe. Black is especially good as all cat hair goes well with black. If your human is wearing tweed, don't bother. If you have dark fur, frolic on the light carpet and furniture, and vice versa. This rule also applies to hairballs, always deposit a hairball where it will leave a lasting impression. Never leave a hairball on a surface such as tile where it can be easily cleaned away.
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