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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
04-13-04, 07:28 AM #7711
Priest and Nun
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.
PRIEST: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed.
SISTER: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
PRIEST: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
SISTER: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
PRIEST: You're probably right... Get up and get your own blanket.
04-13-04, 07:45 PM #7712
Presidential Answering Service
Thank you for calling the White House. You have reached the White House voice mail system. No one is available to take your call at this time because the entire administration is out to lunch.
Please follow these instructions carefully to leave your message. When you are finished, don't hang up until the FBI finishes tracing the call. Have a nice day.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for the president, press 9.
If your are female and would like to leave a message for the president, press M-O-T-E-L-6.
If you are male and would like to leave a message for Chelsea, press N-O-W-A-Y.
To leave a message for Buddy, press D-O-G.
To leave a message for Socks, press D-O-G-F-O-O-D.
To leave a message for Roger Clinton, press A-A.
To leave a message for Ted Kennedy, Press 7-A-N-D-7.
If you are calling to arrange a night in the Lincoln bedroom, press D-O-L-L-A-R.
If you are calling to arrange a White House coffee, pres Y-E-N.
If you are calling to support Hillary's birth control program, press F-R-I-G-I-D.
If you are calling leave a message for Janet Reno, press W-A-C-O.
To leave a message for a member of Congress, press B-I-G-D-O-N-O-T-H-I-N-G.
To leave a message for the Gore2000 campaign, press H-O-P-E-L-E-S-S.
If you wish to make a complaint, press B-I-T-E-M-E.
To speak to an operator, press 0.
To speak to a slick operator, stay on the line and the president will answer your call shortly.
04-13-04, 07:45 PM #7713
Clinton's Alternatives To Impeachment
* Must take 63 swings to the head from Mark McGwire.
* All of Clinton's interns must now be former "Golden Girls."
* Arrange for him to be President of France, where they're into that stuff.
* The place: San Quentin. The cell mate: Hillary.
* Must deliver next State of the Union speech while wearing "the dress."
* Every day from 9am to 10am, ordinary citizens may come to the White House and sass him.
* At public appearances, "Hail to the Chief" replaced by cheesy porn movie music.
* Must issue formal apology to Ted Kennedy for giving philandering politicians everywhere a bad name.
* See Bobbitt, John Wayne.
* No "Xena" for two weeks.
04-13-04, 07:46 PM #7714
'Twas A Night Before Crisis
Twas a night during crisis and
Bill's feelin' a bit ill,
He hopes Congress will swallow all his B.S.
He gave them their fill.
Ken Starr has informed
every person on earth...
We know it all,
except his legnth and his girth.
We really don't care
about all the sexual facts,
We're more concerned
with the dignity he lacks.
We want a President
we know we can trust,
Not one that we think of
and hope they will bust.
We know Whitewater
was impossible to prosecute...
All the witnesses are gone,
There's no one left to shoot.
Our country is hangin'
out there by a thread,
Seems Ole' Bill
also has China in bed!
Now, some say Linda
was a back-biting pal,
But, Monica knows
this information is foul.
For she is alive to relate all the facts
witnesses usually lay in graves,
on their backs.
"It's all a coincidence"
so many should die,
Or is the coincidence
so many WOULDN'T LIE?
for this screwy mess?
Not much to pay to save
Our Country...NO LESS!!
Bases are closed
leaving us defenseless,
Doesn't anyone think that
this is plain Senseless?
many do scream,
I've got my SSI check,
that was my Big dream!
My pockets are full.
But the guy workin' 2 jobs
knows this is pure BULL!!
Babies are killed
when they're half way born,
the states are all flooded
with drugs and with porn.
we find in our schools
and there is no respect
for any of the rules.
But its okay to dodge the draft,
don't inhale, lie under oath,
twist the facts to fit your ways
Follow Slick Willie, HE NEVER PAYS!!!!
He uses our laws
to do as he will,
Laws are for common folks,
not for Slick Bill!
watch "Friends" on TV,
don't get involved.....
since you really can't see.
Just sit there and complain
about Kenneth Starr,
over a drink
at your favorite bar.
Get it all over with,
My heads in the sand,
Bill's a Great Guy,
I think he's just GRAND!!
Excuse the Scoundrel that
will bury us all
But, don't complain to me,
if the country does fall.
Sorry Buddy, is our reply,
We love this country
and Bill's BOLOGNA
just DON'T FLY!!!
Now, on the real issues
Bill's covered every track.
Hillary's made sure to
give him no slack.
But, Starr is confident...
in every way,
'cause when Slick Willie is horny
he just has to play!
Slick Willie is careless
when Little Willie wants out,
He'll call Monica
She'll come....No doubt!!
She'll even bring Pizza
and we can party in here,
Everyone will keep quiet,
My henchmen are near!
And Willie was sloppy
as we all know,
He let it all hang-out
Woops....There it goes!!!
Subpoenas are issued
and Starr's smiling big,
The country's big chance
To throw out this pig.
We hope its not too late
to bring the jerk down,
And rebuild the country....
On solid good ground.
04-13-04, 07:46 PM #7715
Bill's Questions For The New White House Press Secretary
* "Does cigar smoke bother you?"
* "How many lies per minute can you type?"
* "You wouldn't ask a lot of questions if the President had to hide a girl in your podium, would you?"
* "How long can you stare at Sam Donaldson without giggling at his hairpiece?"
* "Are you willing to work for Al Gore in a few months?"
* "Please state, in 100 words or more, absolutely nothing."
* "Would you talk on the phone with the President while he's 'otherwise engaged'?"
* "Do you give your word that you will do your best -- just kidding, like someone's word means anything around here."
* "Would you mind having sex with Hillary once in a while?"
* "Is your wife cute?"
04-13-04, 08:59 PM #7716
New war joke.
Two US Marines are listening to the radio in Iraq. "American soldiers," coos a soft female voice, "Your so-called national leaders have lied to you. You are needlessly risking your lives to wage a useless, unjust, illegal, and unwinnable war. Now is the time to return home to your loved ones, while you are still alive. If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted, the brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name to the long ever-increasing casualty list of this insane war. So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so-called president who has repeatedly lied and decieved you at every opportunity? Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fatter profits? The only wise thing to do is return home now, while you are still drawing breath, before you return zippered into a body bag."
"What's this?" sneers one Marine. "An Islamo-terrorist version of Tokyo Rose?"
"No," answers the other. "It's just a CNN commentator."
04-14-04, 06:15 AM #7717
Priest and Rabbi
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
04-14-04, 06:15 AM #7718
In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression.
In America, they call it golf.
04-14-04, 06:16 AM #7719
I recently purchased some Hewlett Packard paper for my laser printer. On the back of the package I saw a list describing the many uses for the multipurpose paper.
"HP Multipurpose Paper is great for multiple original copies,
memos, projects, reports, faxes, E-mail, invoices and other
office printing needs."
E-mail? And to think I've been sending E-mail for years without the proper paper.
04-14-04, 06:16 AM #7720
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
04-14-04, 06:17 AM #7721
Prison Life vs Full-Time Job
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic. At work we have managers.
04-14-04, 06:17 AM #7722
Problem in New York
Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ...
04-14-04, 06:18 AM #7723
The Procrastinator's Creed
1) I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have
been done already.
2) I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work
or find excuses.
3) I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of
4) I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to
the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from
5) I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for
new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve
from my obligations.
6) I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable
regardless of the amount of time given.
7) I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle,
though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8) If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9) I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I
decide to change my mind.
10) I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step,
and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11) I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that
the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the
work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12) I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
13) I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget
14) I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-
Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever
get it organized.
04-14-04, 06:18 AM #7724
The Prodigal Son Returns
We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said "Throwing wide his arms, the father said ......"
At which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered "YOU'RE GROUNDED!"
04-14-04, 06:19 AM #7725
What the Professor Says (What the Professor Really Means)
You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.
(I used it as a grad student.)
If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in the course.
(If you don't need any sleep, you'll do fine in the course.)
The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
(I don't understand the details either.)
Various authorities agree that...
(My hunch is that...)
The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.
(I don't know.)
You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question.
(I don't know.)
In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view.
(I really don't know.)
Today we are going to discuss a most important topic.
(Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.)
Unfortunately, we haven't the time to consider all of the people who made contributions to this field.
(I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said.)
We can continue this discussion outside of class.
(1. I'm tired of this - let's quit.
2. You're winning the argument - let's quit.)
Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. If will be a good educational experience.
(I stayed out too late last night to prepare a lecture.)
(I'm ready to let you go.)
The implications of this study are clear.
(I don't know what it means either, but there'll be a question about it on the test.)
The test will be 50-questions, multiple choice.
(The test will be 60-questions, multiple guess, plus three short-answer questions (1000 words or more) and no one will score above 55%.)
The test scores were generally good.
(Some of you managed a C+.)
The test scores were a little below my expectations.
(Where was the party last night?)
Some of you could have done better.
Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about previous material?
(Has anyone opened the book yet?)
According to my sources...
(According to the guy who taught this class last year...)
It's been very rewarding to teach this class.
(I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.)
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