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  1. #7651
    Subject: Fw: Female vs Male
    >
    >
    >
    >A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
    >earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
    >concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and
    >pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
    >
    >"Relatives of yours?"
    >
    >"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
    >


  2. #7652
    SIGN,S

    Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
    > "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
    > **************************
    > In a Podiatrist's office:
    > "Time wounds all heels."
    > **************************
    > On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
    > Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
    > **************************
    > On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
    > "We're #1 in the #2 business."
    > **************************
    > At a Proctologist's door
    > "To expedite your visit please back in."
    > **************************
    > On a Plumber's truck:
    > "We repair what your husband fixed."
    > **************************
    > On a Plumber's truck:
    > "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
    > **************************
    > Pizza Shop Slogan:
    > "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
    > **************************
    > At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
    > "Invite us to your next blowout."
    > **************************
    > On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
    > "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
    > **************************
    > At a Towing company:
    > "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
    > **************************
    > On an Electrician's truck:
    > "Let us remove your shorts."
    > **************************
    > In a Nonsmoking Area:
    > "If we see smoke, we will assume you ! are on fire and take
    > appropriate action."
    > **************************
    > On a Maternity Room door:
    > "Push. Push. Push."
    > **************************
    > At an Optometrist's Office
    > "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
    > place."
    > **************************
    > On a Taxidermist's window:
    > "We really know our stuff."
    > **************************
    > On a Fence:
    > "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
    > **************************
    > At a Car Dealership:
    > "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
    > **************************
    > Outside a Muffler Shop:
    > "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
    > **************************
    > In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
    > "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
    > **************************
    >
    > At the Electric Company:
    > "We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
    > However, if you don't, you will be."
    > **************************
    > In a Restaurant window:
    > "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
    > **************************
    > In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
    > "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
    > **************************
    > At a Propane Filling Station,
    > "Thank heaven for little grills."
    > **************************
    > And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
    > "Best place in town to take a leak."


  3. #7653
    Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
    children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
    came up-a fireman, a policeman, a salesman, a doctor, a lawyer, etc.
    David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked
    him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret
    and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the
    offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and
    make love with him for money."

    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
    other children to work on some exercises and took little David to the side
    to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

    "No," said David, "He works for the Kerry campaign, but I was too
    embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."


  4. #7654
    Policeman with a Sense of Humor


    Two guys (we'll call them "Mark" and "Al") are out cruising. Mark is driving, and they're on some out-of-the way roads. Mark is distracted and doesn't see a stop-sign and a few moments after he runs it, they hear a siren and see blue lights. Mark has never been stopped by the police before, and gets really nervous.

    MARK: OhnowhatdidIdo? I wasn't speeding, was I? No, I wasn't speeding. What'd I do what'd I do?

    He pulls over, shaking like a leaf. The cop pulls in behind and walks up to his window.

    COP: You realize you ran a stop sign back there?

    MARK: [panicy] No, honest! I didn't see it! I didn't *mean* to run it! I just didn't see it! Really!

    COP: I'll need to see your driver's license.

    Mark pats his pants for a few seconds before remembering that he's wearing shorts with no pockets. He looks around the car, finds his wallet, opens it up, and starts frantically throwing things out of it into the back seat. No license. He enlists Al's help, and together they search the glove compartment, under the seats, behind the cushions, front and back, to no avail.

    After about five minutes of searching, Al looks up and catches the officer's eye.

    AL: You don't need to see his identification.

    COP: [without missing a beat] I don't need to see his identification.

    AL: These aren't the droids you're looking for.

    COP: These aren't the droids we're looking for.

    AL: He may go on about his business.

    COP: You may go on about your business.

    AL: Move along.

    COP: Move along.

    At this point the cop turns around, walks back to his car, gets in, and drives away.

    Mark pulls out and makes it about 200 yards down the road. Then he stops and just shakes for a few minutes, finally asking Al to drive.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #7655
    Policework


    A police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.

    The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."

    Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."

    The giant nodded.

    "If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

    Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

    "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

    "Are you sure?" the officer asked.

    The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

    "In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #7656
    Polite Dinner




    There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish.

    They politely say to each other: "You may choose first."

    "No, you may choose first."

    And this goes on for a while.

    Then the first person says: "OK, I'll take first."

    And he takes the BIG piece of fish.

    The second person: "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!"

    The first person says: "Which piece would *you* have taken?"

    The second person replies: "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course."

    The first person says: "Well, that's what you have now!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #7657
    Political Correctness

    ...who says we're not getting too politically correct? Here are some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak:

    A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential."

    Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of Family Practice, fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."

    The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.

    A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.

    At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.

    A personal ad from an unidentified newspaper announces that a "formerly single man" seeks a single or married woman.

    After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.

    The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle product."

    In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertises "semi-antique" rugs.

    The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school graduation.

    Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."

    Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.

    It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chronologically experienced citizens."

    According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #7658
    Political Correctness for Teenagers


    No one fails a class anymore, there merely "passing impaired."

    You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

    Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

    These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

    Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

    Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

    Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

    You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

    You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

    You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

    You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

    You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

    You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

    You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

    You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

    It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

    The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  9. #7659
    Politically Correct Santa


    'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?
    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
    And labor conditions at the north pole
    Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
    Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
    Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
    And equal employment had made it quite clear
    That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
    So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
    Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
    The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
    The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
    And people had started to call for the cops
    When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
    Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
    His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
    And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
    Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
    And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
    Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
    So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
    Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
    Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
    Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
    And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
    That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
    Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
    Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
    Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
    Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
    Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
    Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
    Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
    Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
    No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
    Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
    And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
    Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
    For they raised the hackles of those psychological
    Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
    No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
    Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
    Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
    And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
    So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
    He just could not figure out what to do next.
    He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
    But you've got to be careful with that word today.
    His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
    Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
    Something special was needed, a gift that he might
    Give to all without angering the left or the right.
    A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
    Each group of people, every religion;
    Every ethnicity, every hue,
    Everyone, everywhere...even you.
    So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
    "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
    (c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #7660
    Politics As Usual?


    A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election. At the end of the announcement, he said, "More on candidates at 10 P.M."

    My ten-year-old granddaughter looked at me in disbelief. "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!" she remarked.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #7661
    Politics Explained


    How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

    Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.

    The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"

    The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #7662
    Police Recruit




    A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

    He answered, "Call for backup."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #7663
    Polygons


    My geometry tutor told me, "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided one is called a pentagon."

    "What about two sided ones?" I asked.

    "They don't exist," was his response.

    "I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  14. #7664
    Polly Wanna Talk?


    A lady goes into a pet store one day. "I'm really lonely," she says to the clerk. "I need a pet to keep me company."

    "Well," replies the clerk. "How about this nice parrot? He'll talk to you."

    "Hey, that's great." She likes the idea and she buys the parrot and takes him home.

    Next day: Same lady comes back to the pet store. "You know, that parrot isn't talking to me yet," she says.

    "Hmmm, let's see," says the clerk. "I know! You buy this little ladder for his cage. He'll climb the ladder...and then he'll talk."

    "OK." So off she goes with a newly purchased ladder.

    Next day: Same lady comes back to the pet store. "Hey, that parrot still hasn't said a word," she says to the pet store clerk.

    He thinks a minute. "How about this little mirror?" he says. "You hang it at the top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror and then he'll talk to you."

    "OK," she says, and buys the little mirror, and goes home.

    But the next day that same lady is back in the shop. "Well, I'm getting a bit discouraged," she says. "That parrot STILL won't talk to me."

    The clerk scratches his head. "Let me think....AHA! Try this bell. You hang it over the mirror. That parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!"

    "Well, all right, I'll give it a try," says the lady. And she buys the bell and takes it home.

    The next day the same lady comes back to the pet shop, and she is mightily distressed. "What's wrong?" asks the clerk.

    "My parrot...well, he died," was the quiet reply.

    "Ohmigosh! I'm so sorry for your loss!" exclaimed the clerk. "But I have to ask you, did the parrot ever say anything to you?"

    "Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died," she replied.

    "Well, what did he say?" asked the clerk.

    The lady replies: "He said, 'DOESN'T THAT STORE CARRY ANY FOOD?!!?'"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #7665
    Ponder This


    A bus station is where a bus stops.

    A train station is where a train stops.

    On my desk I have a work station .........

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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