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  1. #751
    Member Free Member wrbones's Avatar
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    John had a massive heart attack and died.
    His body was delivered to the mortuary.

    He had been wearing an expensive, expertly
    tailored black suit at the time of his demise,
    so he really looked wonderful, considering
    the circumstances. His wife went to the funeral
    home to make the final arrangements for his
    interment. She spoke to the mortician about
    what her husband would be wearing.

    The mortician pointed out that the
    man looked really nice in the black suit he
    was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and
    less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

    The woman noted that Charlie had always looked
    his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in
    a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's
    continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and
    said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my
    husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the
    ceremony.

    The woman came back the next day for the wake.
    To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit
    with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

    She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost,
    I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful.
    How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician
    presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge
    for these extra services.

    "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
    blue suit!" she cried.

    The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit
    cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
    size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an
    attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
    grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no
    difference, as long as he looked nice ... "









    "So I switched the heads."



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  2. #752
    Member Free Member wrbones's Avatar
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    Poem for Computer Users Over 40

    A computer was something on TV
    From a science fiction show of note.
    A window was something you hated to clean,
    And ram was the father of a goat.
    Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
    And gig was a job for the nights.
    Now they all mean different things,
    And that really mega bytes.
    An application was for employment;
    A program was a TV show;
    A cursor used profanity;
    A keyboard was a piano.
    Memory was something that you lost with age.
    A CD was a bank account.
    And if you had a 3-in. Floppy,
    You hoped nobody found out.
    Compress was something you did to the garbage,
    Not something you did to a file.
    And if you unzipped anything in public,
    You'd be in jail for a while.
    Log on was adding wood to the fire.
    Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
    A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
    And a backup happened to your commode.
    Cut you did with a pocket knife;
    Paste you did with glue.
    A web was a spider's home,
    And a virus was the flu.
    I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
    And the memory in my head.
    I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash,
    But when it happens they wish they were dead.
    Author unknown-



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  3. #753
    A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

    "Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

    The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Little Johnny says to his mother, "Mom, is the lady next door bionic?"

    "Of course not, why do you ask Little Johnny?" said his mother.

    " Oh, it's just that I heard Dad telling Uncle Bob that he had screwed her eyes out!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #754
    Why Coffee is Better than Women - Part I

    1.You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

    2.Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.

    3.A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

    4.You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

    5.You can always warm coffee up.

    6.Coffee comes with endless refills.

    7.Coffee is cheaper.

    8.You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 am.

    9.Coffee never runs out.

    10.Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

    11.You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

    12.You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

    13.You can smoke while drinking coffee.

    14.You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

    15.Coffee smells and tastes good.

    16.You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.

    17.If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

    18.You can always get fresh coffee.

    19.You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.

    20.They sell coffee at police stations.

    21.You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

    22.Coffee goes down easier.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #755
    Two neighbors were having a chat when one said, "I took my dog to the vet's office today because it bit my mother-in-law."

    The other guy asked, "Did you put it to sleep?"

    "No, of course not," said the first guy. "I had its teeth sharpened."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Have you heard about this man who took his mother-in-law to the zoo and threw her into the crocodile pool. The guy is now being sued by the SPCA for being cruel to the crocodiles.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #756
    A married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

    Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."

    His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in a vomit bag.

    After the plane landed, I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, "Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?" I said, "No thanks, I'm saving it for my kids."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #757








    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #758








    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  9. #759
    Registered User Free Member
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    Talking ANGRY WOMAN

    One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
    20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

    When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.

    "Well, your honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could f*ck, he could fly."


  10. #760

    Inner Strength

    Inner Strength

    If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
    If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
    If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
    If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
    If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
    If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
    If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
    If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
    If you can conquer tension without medical help,
    If you can relax without liquor,
    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
    If you can do all these things,
    Then you are probably the family dog


  11. #761
    Three couples were on the way for a meal so they booked a mini-van to take them to the restaurant. On the way, it unfortunately crashed. When the three of them reached heaven, they were greeted by St. Peter who dealt with them one by one.

    The first couple stepped up, St. Peter looked in his file and said, "Sorry, you can't come in here. You have ruled you life on money and greed and you even have a wife called Penny." So, he sent them to Hell.

    The next couple came up, again he said, "No, you cannot enter. You have ruled your life by alcohol and you even have a wife called Sherry."

    As the third couple was to step up the husband said, "Let's get out of here, Fanny. I'm not standing here just to be insulted!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #762
    A friend saw President Clinton smoking a pipe and asked, "Hey Bill, I thought you were a cigar man?"

    President Clinton responded, "Cigars are for pussies!"


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "President Clinton of the USA" can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into: "To copulate he finds interns."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #763
    George Washington and his men had just finished a big battle and were tired and wounded. They were walking for miles looking for a place to stay when they came upon this very small broken-down shack.

    Washington asked the man who answered the door if he had room to help some of his men as they were tired and sick. The man said, "As you can see I only have room for one man."

    So Washington picked out his most wounded man, Private Cox, to stay there. Then he left with the rest of his men looking for another place.

    After walking for several miles more, they finally saw this big beautiful mansion on a hill and proceeded to the mansion. Washington rang the bell and a beautiful woman came to the door, and asked him what he wanted. Washington explained that he had just fought a terrible battle and that some of his men were wounded and that they were all tired and needed some shelter and a place to rest.

    The Madam explained that the place was actually a bordello, but that they would be happy to take in him and his men. In fact, she was excited about it. She asked, "How many men do you have?"

    Washington answered, "About 99 men without Cox." The madam replied, "You've got to be kidding me!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  14. #764
    The United States 2000 census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the door was opened by a nude woman.

    "Oh, don't be alarmed, sir," she said. "I'm a nudist."

    Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine questions. "How many children do you have?" he asked.

    "Eighteen." The lady replied.

    "Lady," the census taker gasped, "you're not a nudist - You just don't have time to get dressed!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #765








    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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