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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
03-30-04, 07:28 AM #7501
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE." He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"
03-30-04, 07:29 AM #7502
The Parachute Paradigm
You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with
only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on
the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived
crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take
the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates
and get the names of their friends and relatives
who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along
with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains
and dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you
a report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof
that it will work in all cases.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in
all four languages.
Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a
parachute as well as a human being could.
Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular
intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute
reminds them of.
Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the
character of a person stuck on a falling plane without
Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them
to work hard and not expect handouts.
Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can
cut the parachute into two equal pieces.
Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right
to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the
parachute, as the free market will take care of the
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine,
it works fine.
Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take
you long to learn how to fix a plane.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be
hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that
despite a number of remarkable
coincidences, studies have shown
no link whatsoever between airplane
crashes and death.
03-30-04, 07:29 AM #7503
"I'm the greatest batter in the world," said the proud boy as he tossed the ball into the air and swung his bat. He missed. Undaunted, he threw the ball up again and said, "I'm the greatest batter ever!" He missed again. He looked at his ball then his bat. Once more he tossed the ball up into the air. "I'm the greatest batter who ever lived!" He swung hard and missed. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "And I'm an even better pitcher!"
03-30-04, 07:30 AM #7504
- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on
the world have nothing to do with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to
- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose
your nursing home.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing beats children.
- God invented mothers because he couldn't be
everywhere at once.
- God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
- Having children is like having a bowling alley
installed in your brain.
- Having children will turn you into your parents.
- If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he
looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
- If you have trouble getting your children's attention,
just sit down and look comfortable.
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to
educate his father.
- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come
when they'll know as little as their parents.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- One child is often not enough, but two children can be
far too many.
- You can learn many things from children... like how much
patience you have.
- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers
are grossly underpaid.
- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob
also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it
- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to
chop wood to keep the television set going.
- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
- The best thing to spend on your children is time.
03-30-04, 07:30 AM #7505
"How many times have you heard the comment that people have to
take a test to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent?
A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like
'How many servings of vegetables are required for a three-year old
female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles a day?' No, this test
will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have
the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number two pencils
ready. And let's keep our eyes on our own papers, people.
THE PARENTING TEST
Section One --- Mathematics
For each problem, estimate the total number of times this phrase is
used per parent per week. (2 points per question)
1) I don't care what the other kids get to do.
2) ... and this time I really mean it.
3) Somebody's going to get hurt doing that.
4) See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
5) Now we're REALLY going to be late.
6) One ... I'm counting ... two ... I'm counting ...
7) Because I'm the Mommy (Daddy).
8) Let's not discuss that at the dinner table.
9) Why is your brother (sister) crying?
10) Okay ... but only five more minutes.
Section Two -- Fill in the Blank
Write the correct word in the blank. (3 points per question)
1) Tickle Me ____________.
2) 101 _________________.
3) The Berenstain _________.
4) Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
5) _______________ Nuggets.
6) _______________ Meals.
7) Please won't you be my _____________?
Section Three -- Matching
Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points per question).
A) Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of carpeting.
B) Either a recreational device origally developed for hamsters, but since
adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants OR that which is
placed in ears when Letter "C" fails.
C) A pink sustance which is usually a regular part of a toddler's diet.
D) A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
E) A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be necessary
for a few more weeks.
Section Four -- Problem Solving
Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points per question)
1) It is 8:50a.m. School starts at 9a.m. Where are your car keys?
2) She says that he started it. He says she started it. Who's right?
3) You are attempting to go to the post office with two very large packages,
two very small children, zero very close parking places, and one frazzled
parent. How will you accomplish this?
4) At 7p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts with Carl,
and soccer with Susie. Without any King Soloman manuevers, how will
this be done?
Section Five -- Essay
Answer the question and defend your choice. (19 points)
Which of the 'Big V's' has made a bigger contribution to parenting -
Vacuum cleaners 'Velcro' or the VCR?
03-30-04, 07:31 AM #7506
Parenting Want Ad
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills, and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose-blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution, and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project.
Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life. Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above-mentioned skills in conflict resolution.
Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack-mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half-million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because "fund-raiser" will be your middle name.
Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as "What makes the wind move?" Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end-product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock-options are offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right.
03-30-04, 07:31 AM #7507
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Parent: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
03-30-04, 07:32 AM #7508
When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk."
"I don't understand that," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."
03-30-04, 07:32 AM #7509
Parent's Glossary of Kid's Kitchen Terms
Anything advertised on TV.
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.
Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.
COOKIE (LAST ONE):
Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
The reason for eating a meal.
Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.
Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
Condition of children's jaws when spinach is served.
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
The only thing kids will share freely.
The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
Commonly described as "gross."
A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.
A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.
Material for a collage.
A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.
Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
Food eaten with unwashed hands.
Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.
A breakable Frisbee.
A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
A place for storing gum.
How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."
03-30-04, 07:33 AM #7510
Parking Lot Rules
(How many of these can you relate to?)
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard. If you leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #11 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your keychain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the mess out of them.
Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious
Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage too including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
Rule #22 - When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.
03-30-04, 08:01 AM #7511
A-1 construction company is putting up a skyscraper
in downtown New York. It's Hard-hat Joey's first day
working on the fifty-third floor. At about 11:30, after
a morning of riveting, he starts to feel nature calling.
He finds his foreman and asks "Hey boss jew think
I can go down and take a pee real quick."
"Hey Joey, ya know I can't do dat" his boss replies,
"It'll take ya 10 minutes to get down, and another ten
to get back up. That's 20 minutes I just can't spare.
Ya know we gotta get this job done by next week."
"I tell ya what" says the foreman. "I'll stick this here
plank out da window, you go out dere and uh do
what ya gotta do."
Joey inches his way out on to the plank, unzips his
pants and starts to pee. Meanwhile the phone rings
inside. The foreman, forgetting he was holding the
plank for Joey and not wanting to miss the call runs
over to answer it. Needless to say Joey falls and dies.
The next week there is an inquiry into Joey's death
and the foreman gets brought up on charges of
murder. The prosecution has one witness that was
on the 25th floor. When asked to give his view of
what happened, the witness looks around, leans
forward and says, "You know what I think? I think it
had to do with sex. Maybe they were quarreling lovers."
The foreman incensed, stands up and yells, "What the
hell kinda nonsense is that?"
"Well," says the witness, "when the deceased passed
the 25th floor he was holding his penis and screaming
'where'd that cock sucker go?!'"
03-30-04, 08:33 AM #7512
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix, Arizona, to Flagstaff, Arizona. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out to hitchhike, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he were going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew around them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the two Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at 120 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass."
03-30-04, 01:27 PM #7513
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5.000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. "We'll ship her home", says the guy. The undertaker asks,"Are you sure?That's an awfullyl big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The guy says,"Look, 2000 years ago they buried a man here and three days later he rose from the dead,I just can't take that chance."
REMEMBER FOLKS, GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR ALSO.
03-30-04, 06:53 PM #7514
Little Johny was doing very badly in math. His parents tried everything to help him. Finally, they took him to a loval catholic school. After the first day, little Johnny came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started to study. Books and paper pere spread out all over the room and Johnny was hard at work. His mom was amazed. Later she called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word. In no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. THis went on for some time, day after day, while his mom tried to understand what had brought such a profound difference. Finally, little Johnny brought home his report card. He wuietly laid it on the table, wnt up to his room and hi the books. With great trepidation, his mother looked at the report card. To her surprise, Johnny got an A+ in Math. She could no longer hold her curiosity and she rent to his room and sad, " Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Johnny looked at her and shook his head no. "well then" she asked, "was it the books? Are they better? Was it the discipline, the structure, uniforms-What was it?" Little Johnny looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
03-30-04, 07:03 PM #7515
Two six year old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. THe teachers had tried everything to make them behave. With time outs, notes home, missed recesses. But,they could do nothing with them. FInally the boys were sent to see the priest. The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "son,do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing. The priest leaned across the desk and asked the same question,again The little boy bolted out of the chair and rushed past his friend in the waiting room and ran all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend followed him home. He came into the bedroom and asked, "What happened?"The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"
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