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  1. #7486
    Pain


    This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts."

    The doctor says, "OK. Touch your elbow."

    The guy touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doctor, surprised, says "Touch your head."

    The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells the guy to come back in two days.

    Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor says "We've found your problem."

    "Oh yeah? What is it?"

    "You've broken your finger!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #7487

    DON'T MESS WITH GRANDMA!!!!!!!

    THIS IS A TRUE STORY-----
    An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,proceeding! to scream at the top of her voice,"I have a gun, and I know how to use it!Get out of the car!"--the four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, The lady somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why---A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the Police station.The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.He pointed to the other end of the counter,where 4 pale men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white,less than five feet tall, glasses,curly white hair and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.


  3. #7488

    Not in West Virginia

    Down at Spanishburg a father was watching his daughter playing in the garden.He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"she asked. "They're mating",her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top,Daddy?",she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs", her father answered. A pause!!"So,the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No", her father replied.
    "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat."Well, that might be OK in California and New York, but we're not having any of that crap in West Virginia"!!!!!!.


  4. #7489

    Hu's On First

    (We take you now to the Oval Office.)

    George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

    Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

    George: Great. Lay it on me.

    Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

    George: That's what I want to know.

    Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

    George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: I mean the fellow's name.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The guy in China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The new leader of China.

    Condi: Hu.

    George: The Chinaman!

    Condi: Hu is leading China.

    George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

    Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

    George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

    Condi: That's the man's name.

    George: That's who's name?

    Condi: Yes.

    George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
    of China?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

    Condi: That's correct.

    George: Then who is in China?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir is in China?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Then who is?

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Yassir?

    Condi: No, sir.

    George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
    China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: No, thanks.

    Condi: You want Kofi?

    George: No.

    Condi: You don't want Kofi.

    George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
    And then get me the U.N.

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

    Condi: Kofi?

    George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

    Condi: And call who?

    George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

    Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

    George: Will you stay out of China?!

    Condi: Yes, sir.

    George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
    U.N.

    Condi: Kofi.

    George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

    (Condi picks up the phone.)

    Condi: Rice, here.

    George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?


  5. #7490
    The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after
    the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than
    they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was
    annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had
    been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to
    play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have
    to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the
    finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and
    Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as
    we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or
    more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The
    Star Spangled Banner. " And that is how the substitute became the regular
    organist!


  6. #7491
    A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he
    was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a
    note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10
    times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
    trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
    along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't
    give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."



  7. #7492
    The Final Answer

    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning

    against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile

    on its face.

    The egg, looking decidedly unhappy, grabs the sheet and rolls over

    and says, "Well, I guess we finally know the answer to THAT

    question!"

    :qmark:


  8. #7493
    SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
    Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

    LOUD SEX:
    A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

    QUIET SEX:
    Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

    CONFOUNDED SEX:
    A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

    WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
    A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

    WOMEN'S HUMOR:
    My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

    A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."


  9. #7494
    An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

    They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

    The Chief said, "You betcha!"

    When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

    The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

    The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

    Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

    The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

    After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"

    The chief says, "No."

    "No?" asked the rescuer.

    "No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."


  10. #7495
    There were three people named Chris, Sheila, Charley. They were travelling and their car broke down. They needed a place to stay for the night, so they saw a farm and asked they asked the farmer if they could stay in his barn. The Farmer said "yes, but if I hear any of you laugh you will be punnished in the morning." So at night time they laughed their heads off. Then the farmer came in the barn and yelled "you're gonna be punished in the morning." So the next morning the farmer told Chris to pick 30 of his favorite fruit. So Chris is picked 30 strawberries, the farmer told Chris to shove them up his butt or the farmer will shoot him. Chris shoved 29 strawberries up his butt then he stoped and he cried. The farmer shot him, Chris went to heaven and God asked him why he cried Chris said "because it hurt!!!!!!." The farmer did the same to Sheila but she picked 30 peaches. She shoved the peaches up her butt but at the last peach she stoped and laughed her head off. Then the farmer shot her, when she went to heaven God asked why she laughed and she said "because I saw Charley picking 30 watermelons!!!!!!!!"





  11. #7496
    This man from Alabama, claimed he had the smartest quail dog in the world. He decided that he would sell the dog. So he advertised: Bar none the best quail dog in the world gauranteed. A few days later this ole boy called about the dog. He told the man that's a bold statement, gauranteed best quail dog in the world. The man said well I'll tell you what, you and you're buddy come down and we'll take him out. So the two came down and met the man and his dog. They loaded up and went down the road. They arrived and turned the dog loose. The dog runs around for a minute and then points in a briar thicket, he sticks his head in the briars for a second then comes out and stomps his left foot twice. The two men said what is that stupid dog doing? The owner of the dog says he telling us that there are two quail in that thicket and when he flushes them out, both are going to fly left. The two men laughed and said they were going home there aint no way a dog knows that. The man told his dog to get 'em, he ran in the the thicket and flushed two birds to the left. The men shot the birds and were amazed, they could not believe that happened. They told the guy that was pure luck it could never happen again. The guy said I told you this is the smartest dog in the world. They went on a little futher and the dog pointed again in a hedge-row, he stuck his head in and ran out, he stomped his left foot three times and stomped his right foot twice. The man said he's telling us that there are five birds in there and when he flushes them three are coming out left and two on the right. The two hunters said once again, there aint no damn way that dog can right. The man told his dog to get 'em, he ran in and flushed the birds sure enough, three came out to the left and two to the right. The guys shot all five birds and were in total shock. They kept going a little futher, the dog pointed again this time in a brush pile. The dog stuck his head in and in a minute came out just stomping the hell out of the ground and shaking his tail, then he ran up to his owner and started humping his leg, then ran back to the brush pile and brought a stick back and dropped it at his owner's feet. The two hunters said this is crazy as hell, what is wrong with this damn dog? The man said I know what he's telling us. The hunter's said well if you know what he's saying and it's right we'll buy the dog. The owner said ok, he's telling us that there are more quail in that brushpile than we can shake a f&#*!#g stick at.


  12. #7497
    A woman was driving home in Northern Arizona when she saw another woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stopped the car and the woman climbed in. During their small talk, the woman glanced surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offered the driver, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The woman was silent for a while, nodded several times and said, "Good trade."




  13. #7498
    A Mixed Drink

    Bob got a new job as a bartender. A patron ordered a Manhattan...

    When Bob served the drink, there was a piece of parsley floating in
    the glass.

    "What in the world is this?" asked the man.

    Bob peered into the glass and replied, "That's Central Park."



  14. #7499
    The Painting


    Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they traveled around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their collection. Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet and many others adorned the walls of the family estate. The widowed elder man looked on with satisfaction, as his only child became an experienced art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors round the world.

    As winter approached, war engulfed the nation and the young man left to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, his father received a telegram. His beloved son was missing in action. The art collector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his son again. Within days, his fears were confirmed. The young man had died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic.

    Distraught and lonely, the old man faced the upcoming Christmas holidays with anguish and sadness. The joy of the season - a season that he and his son had so looked forward to - would visit his house no longer.

    On Christmas morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed old man. As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls only reminded him that his son was not coming home. As he opened the door, he was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand. He introduced himself to the man by saying, "I was a friend of your son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a few moments? I have something to show you."

    As the two began to talk, the soldier told of how the man's son had told every one of his - not to mention his father's - love of fine art. "I'm an artist," said the soldier, "and I want to give you this." As the old man unwrapped the package, the paper gave way to reveal a portrait of the man's son. Though the world would never consider it the work of a genius, the painting featured the young man's face in striking detail.

    Overcome with emotion, the man thanked the soldier, promising to hang the picture above the fireplace.

    A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set about his task. True to his word, the painting went above the fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars of paintings. And then the man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he had been given.

    During the days and weeks that followed, the man realized that even though his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on because of those he had touched.

    He would soon learn that his son had rescued dozens of wounded soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart. As the stories of his son's gallantry continued to reach him, fatherly pride and satisfaction began to ease the grief.

    The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far eclipsing any interest in the pieces for which museums around the world clamored. He told his neighbors it was the greatest gift he had ever received.

    The following spring, the old man became ill and passed way. The art world was in anticipation. With the collector's passing, and his only son dead, those paintings would be sold at an auction. According to the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on Christmas day, the day he had received his greatest gift. The day soon arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid on some of the world's most spectacular paintings.

    Dreams would be fulfilled this day; greatness would be achieved as many would claim "I have the greatest collection." The auction began with a painting that was not on any museum's list. It was the painting of the man's son. The auctioneer asked for an opening bid. The room was silent. "Who will open the bidding with $100?" he asked.

    Minutes passed. No one spoke. From the back of the room came, "Who cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son. Let's forget it and go on to the good stuff." More voices echoed in agreement. "No, we have to sell this one first," replied the auctioneer.

    "Now, who will take the son?" Finally, a friend of the old man spoke. "Will you take ten dollars for the painting? That's all I have. I knew the boy, so I'd like to have it."

    "I have ten dollars. Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer. After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going twice. Gone." The gavel fell.

    Cheers filled the room and someone exclaimed, "Now we can get on with it and we can bid on these treasures!"

    The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced the auction was over. Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Someone spoke up and asked, "What do you mean it's over? We didn't come here for a picture of some old guy's son. What about all of these paintings? There are millions of dollars of art here! I demand that you explain what's going on here!"

    The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of the father, whoever takes the son... gets it all."

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #7500
    Paint Store


    After an hour of "Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint- store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.

    "Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked.

    "Don't come back here," he begged.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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