Chuckles of the Day... - Page 5
Create Post
Page 5 of 1387 FirstFirst 12345678915551055051005 ... LastLast
Results 61 to 75 of 20797
  1. #61
    Jim C
    Guest Free Member
    Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their
    latest stamps?

    They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't
    figure out which side to spit on.
    >
    How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a
    future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
    >
    How does an attorney sleep?
    First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
    >
    How many lawyer jokes are there?
    Only three. The rest are true stories.
    >
    How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    How many can you afford?
    >
    How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
    >
    If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you
    could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
    >
    What did the lawyer name his daughter?
    Sue.
    >
    What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
    Skeet.
    >
    What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
    Senator.
    >
    What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
    Your Honor.
    >
    What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
    His partners.
    >
    What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
    His personality.
    >
    What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
    Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.
    >
    What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
    >
    What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
    Chelsea Clinton
    >
    Why don't you ever hear of a lawyer getting attacked by a shark at the beach?
    Professional courtesy



  2. #62
    Member Free Member wrbones's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Rapid City, SD
    Posts
    340
    Credits
    3
    Savings
    0

    A letter home

    Humor/Letter Home

    Dear Ma and Pa:
    Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marines
    beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick
    before maybe all the places are filled.

    I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
    a.m.but, am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
    you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.
    No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
    Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
    Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
    etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried
    eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can
    always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus
    yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.

    It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
    marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us.
    If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march"
    is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get
    sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

    The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the
    school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't
    bother you none.

    This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
    medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a
    chipmonk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett
    boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
    You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

    Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows
    get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

    Your loving son,
    Zeb

    P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's
    teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good. - Z.


  3. #63
    Member Free Member wrbones's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Rapid City, SD
    Posts
    340
    Credits
    3
    Savings
    0

    The parrot

    The Parrot






    Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully
    grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

    Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives
    were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's
    attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music...
    anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

    He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird,
    and the bird got madder and more rude.

    Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the
    freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking,
    kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute
    quiet.

    Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird,
    and quickly opened the freezer door.

    The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said,
    "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions,
    and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my
    behavior".

    Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was
    about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued,
    "May I ask what the Chicken did?"


  4. #64

    Cool Uncle Ted

    Mrs. Smith, a teacher called on Johnny to tell a personal story with a moral.

    Johnny said, "My Uncle Ted was a Marine pilot during the war in Vietnam, one day his plane got hit by a missile and was going down. Uncle Ted grabbed a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete and bailed out. On the way down he drank the whole case of beer. As luck would have it he landed in a field and was surrounded by 100 Viet cong soldiers. He started shooting his machine gun and killed 70 of them before he ran out of ammunition. Then he grabbed the machete and killed 20 more before the machete blade broke. He then killed the last 10 with his bare hands."

    "Oh my God!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith, "What could the moral of that story possibly be?"

    Johnny said, "The moral of that story is.. Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!

    Sempers,

    Roger

    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version

Name:	free_falling.jpg‎
Views:	943
Size:	38.3 KB
ID:	118  
    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #65

    Cool Your Not A Marine

    Tell this joke to someone who is not a Marine:

    A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

    To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.

    But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.

    The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

    The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

    Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

    The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."

    The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"

    The Marines reply, "You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."

    The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions."

    Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.

    The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

    The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."

    The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?"

    The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.

    The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

    Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."

    The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

    But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.

    Sempers,

    Roger

    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version

Name:	shooting_badge.jpg‎
Views:	945
Size:	43.7 KB
ID:	119  
    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #66

    Cool The Enemy

    At Da Nang, a tough, experienced Marine lieutenant was indoctrinating a group of men fresh in for service in his platoon. "Don't never sell these boys out here short! They're rough, tough, real blitzers! Never mind what you learnt in trainin', fergft all that jazz and remember they're battle-tough and take no sh*t. Don't let lem out of your sight. If they jump fer cover, you jump, too. Don't never take your eye off 'em."


    One GI piped up, "Just how near to the Viet Cong are we, Lieutenant?"


    "Who the hell said anything about the VC?" the off icer shouted, "I'm talking about my own Gunnies!"

    Sempers,

    Roger

    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails Click image for larger version

Name:	playland.jpg‎
Views:	929
Size:	53.2 KB
ID:	127  
    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #67
    Member Free Member wrbones's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Rapid City, SD
    Posts
    340
    Credits
    3
    Savings
    0

    I keep telling the new guys....

    ...ya gotta watch those Gunnys, but does anyone listen to me? NNNOOOOOoooooo! LMAO. Musta been a 2nd Lieutenant, a butterbar wouldn't figured that out yet!


  8. #68
    Member Free Member wrbones's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Rapid City, SD
    Posts
    340
    Credits
    3
    Savings
    0

    BigCat sent me this.

    Thought I'd share it.> > > > >
    > > > > > A lady about 8 months
    > pregnant got on a bus.
    > > > > > She noticed the man opposite
    > her was smiling at her.
    > > > > > She immediately moved to
    > another seat.
    > > > > > This time the smile turned
    > into a grin, so she moved again.
    > > > > > The man seemed more amused.
    > > > > > When on the fourth move, the
    > man burst out laughing.
    > > > > > She complained to the driver
    > and he had the man arrested.
    > > > > > The case came up in court.
    > > > > > The judge asked the man ( @
    > 20 yrs old ) what he had to say
    > >for
    > > > > >himself.
    > > > > > The man replied, "Well your
    > Honor, it was like this:
    > > > > > When the lady got on the bus,
    > I couldn't help but notice her
    > > > > >condition.
    > > > > > She sat under sign that said
    > > > > > The Double Mint Twins are
    > coming" and I grinned.
    > > > > > Then she moved and sat under
    > a sign that read,
    > > > > > "Sloan's Liniment will reduce
    > the swelling" and I had to
    > >smile.
    > > > > > Then she placed herself under
    > a sign that said,
    > > > > > "William's Big Stick Did the
    > Trick" and I could hardly
    > >contain
    > > > > >myself.
    > > > > > BUT your Honor, when she
    > moved the fourth time and sat under
    > >a
    > > > sign
    > > > > >that
    > > > > > said,
    > > > > > "Goodyear Rubber could have
    > prevented this Accident". I just
    > > > lost
    > > > > >it."
    > > > > >
    > > > > > "CASE DISMISSED"


  9. #69
    Member Free Member wrbones's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Rapid City, SD
    Posts
    340
    Credits
    3
    Savings
    0

    Got this one from a squid I met...

    Betsy Sue Jim Bob's cousin Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
    Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, but lemme check somethin'. Roll him over.' So the mortician rolled him over, and Daryl looked and said, 'Nope it ain't Bubba.' The mortician thought that was rather strange.

    Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over'. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'

    The mortician asked, 'How can you be so sure?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two ---holes.' 'What?? He had two ===holes?' said the mortician. 'Yup, everyone in town knew he had 'em. Why, every time WE went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ===holes.....'


  10. #70
    Registered User Free Member Barrio_rat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Eastern Oregon
    Posts
    832
    Credits
    0
    Savings
    0

    You Have Been In The Philippines Too Long When....

    You are freezing and it's 75 degrees outside.
    You don't answer to "Joe" and your name is Joe.
    Your speech is marked by such expressions as, "I'll have a Fepsi" and "My dog has please."
    You can eat balut without throwing up.
    It doesn't bother you to walk in a bar with a P.C. standing ouside with a loaded gun.
    You can't remember what a bathtub looks like.
    You think a luxury hotel is one with a seat on the toilet.
    You have a hard time understanding English.
    You think that 10 pesos is too much for a beer.
    You think a hot water faucet is a decoration.
    You think the phrase "Rapid Transit" refers to a Philippine Rabbit Bus.
    You'd rather eat fried fish than steak.
    You tie a gecko to your bed to control mosquitoes.
    You know all the words in the P.I. National Anthem.
    You always eat rice instead of potatoes.
    Your tan is darker than the locals.
    You go to USO shows because you like them.
    Stateside beer tastes funny.
    You think of retiring there because you like the place and it's cheap.


  11. #71
    Jim C
    Guest Free Member

    Angry Privacy....a thing of the past, get a load of this!

    THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING..........!!!

    THIS IS SHOCKING!!!
    You should check out this site.
    Did you know that you can see anyone's Drivers License on the
    Internet including your own?

    Where it asks what state - put your city and gender.

    I'm not sure I like this info out there for anyone to access. DOES THIS BREACH
    THE PRIVACY ACT OR WHAT?

    Now this is going toooooo far. Jim

    Check it out
    http://www.license.shorturl.com/


  12. #72
    Devil Dog For Life Platinum Member Gary's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Minneapolis Minnesota
    Posts
    219
    Credits
    10,003
    Savings
    0

    Talking hahahahahaha

    Jim I fell for it cute.

    Sgt G.A. Blake

    Marine! the title says it all

  13. #73
    Registered User Free Member SGT T's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    WHERE THE CORPS SENDS ME
    Posts
    217
    Credits
    0
    Savings
    0

    BOTTLE OF WINE

    A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
    > > regular
    > > table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all
    > > alone. He
    > > calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of
    > > Merlot to
    > > be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
    > >
    > > The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman,
    > > saying
    > > this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and
    > > sends a
    > > note over to the man.
    > >
    > > The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
    > > Mercedes
    > > in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in
    > > your
    > > pants."
    > >
    > > The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his
    > > own back
    > > to her, and it reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari
    > > Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have
    > > over
    > > twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman
    > > as
    > > beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. SO JUST SEND THE
    > > BOTTLE
    > > BACK."


  14. #74
    Member Free Member wrbones's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Rapid City, SD
    Posts
    340
    Credits
    3
    Savings
    0

    Quiet thoughts for meditation.....

    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
    walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
    beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

    2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
    fan belt and a leaky tire.

    3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going
    to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to
    do it.

    4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't
    getting any.

    5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
    can't be promoted.

    6. No one is listening--until you fart.

    7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone
    else.

    8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
    missing a couple of car payments.

    10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
    in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them,
    you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
    you.

    12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
    him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
    beer all day.

    13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
    again, it was probably worth it.

    14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
    anything.

    15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the
    windshield.

    16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

    17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot
    of that comes from bad judgment.

    18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
    in half and put it back in your pocket.

    19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and
    a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

    21. There are two theories to arguing with women.
    Neither one works.

    22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
    your lips are moving.

    23. Experience is something you don't get until just
    after you need it.

    24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

    25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped
    on our ass ... then things get worse.


  15. #75
    Member Free Member wrbones's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    Rapid City, SD
    Posts
    340
    Credits
    3
    Savings
    0

    Don't feel bad, Gary...

    One of our local Gunnys sucked me in. I hear JAM was quite impressed, also! LOL


Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 6 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 6 guests)

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not Create Posts
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts