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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
07-07-02, 09:05 AM #61Jim CGuest Free Member
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't
figure out which side to spit on.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a
future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you
could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Why don't you ever hear of a lawyer getting attacked by a shark at the beach?
07-07-02, 11:57 AM #62
A letter home
Dear Ma and Pa:
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marines
beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before maybe all the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6
a.m.but, am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all
you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried
eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can
always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus
yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march"
is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get
sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the
school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't
bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a
chipmonk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett
boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows
get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving son,
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's
teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good. - Z.
07-07-02, 12:05 PM #63
Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully
grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives
were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's
attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music...
anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird,
and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking,
kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird,
and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions,
and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was
about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the Chicken did?"
07-07-02, 07:20 PM #64
Mrs. Smith, a teacher called on Johnny to tell a personal story with a moral.
Johnny said, "My Uncle Ted was a Marine pilot during the war in Vietnam, one day his plane got hit by a missile and was going down. Uncle Ted grabbed a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete and bailed out. On the way down he drank the whole case of beer. As luck would have it he landed in a field and was surrounded by 100 Viet cong soldiers. He started shooting his machine gun and killed 70 of them before he ran out of ammunition. Then he grabbed the machete and killed 20 more before the machete blade broke. He then killed the last 10 with his bare hands."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Mrs. Smith, "What could the moral of that story possibly be?"
Johnny said, "The moral of that story is.. Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking!
07-07-02, 07:37 PM #65
Your Not A Marine
Tell this joke to someone who is not a Marine:
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a U.S. Marine Corps base. He goes to the front gate, and says to the sentry, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
To his surprise, the Marines accept him enthusiastically. They feed him at the officer's club, they fix his car at the motor pool, and they even allow him to sleep in the VIP quarters.
But, as the man tries to fall asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. All through the night, he hears this sound.
The next morning, he asks the Marines what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same Marine Corps base. Again the Marines accept him enthusiastically, fix his car, and allows him to stay in the VIP quarters. That night, he hears the exact same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the Marines reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a Marine."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a Marine, how do I become one?"
The Marines reply, "You must go to Paris Island, there to undergo several weeks of torturous behavior. You will be yelled at, put down, cut down, and physically exhausted. From there you will go on to receive infantry training. You will learn how to fight, fight to survive, and fight to win. You will learn how to act the Corps, breath the Corps, eat the Corps, sleep the Corps, be the Corps. When you finish these trials, you will be a Marine."
The man sets about his task. He goes through boot camp, advanced infantry training, and is assigned to an MEU. While part of the MEU he is sent to fight in two small wars, and three "police actions."
Three years later, while on leave, he returns to the Marine Corps base where he last heard that strange, strange sound. Standing there in his dress uniform, he says, "I have joined the Corps, and I have paid my dues. I have fought for the love of God, Country, and the Corps.
The Marines reply, "Congratulations. You are now a Marine. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The Marines lead the man to a wooden door, where the Base Commander says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. may I have the key?"
The Base Commander give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The Commander give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the Commander, who provides it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...
Finally, the Commander says, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a Marine.
07-08-02, 06:05 AM #66
At Da Nang, a tough, experienced Marine lieutenant was indoctrinating a group of men fresh in for service in his platoon. "Don't never sell these boys out here short! They're rough, tough, real blitzers! Never mind what you learnt in trainin', fergft all that jazz and remember they're battle-tough and take no sh*t. Don't let lem out of your sight. If they jump fer cover, you jump, too. Don't never take your eye off 'em."
One GI piped up, "Just how near to the Viet Cong are we, Lieutenant?"
"Who the hell said anything about the VC?" the off icer shouted, "I'm talking about my own Gunnies!"
07-08-02, 08:48 AM #67
I keep telling the new guys....
...ya gotta watch those Gunnys, but does anyone listen to me? NNNOOOOOoooooo! LMAO. Musta been a 2nd Lieutenant, a butterbar wouldn't figured that out yet!
07-09-02, 05:59 PM #68
BigCat sent me this.
Thought I'd share it.> > > > >
> > > > > A lady about 8 months
> pregnant got on a bus.
> > > > > She noticed the man opposite
> her was smiling at her.
> > > > > She immediately moved to
> another seat.
> > > > > This time the smile turned
> into a grin, so she moved again.
> > > > > The man seemed more amused.
> > > > > When on the fourth move, the
> man burst out laughing.
> > > > > She complained to the driver
> and he had the man arrested.
> > > > > The case came up in court.
> > > > > The judge asked the man ( @
> 20 yrs old ) what he had to say
> > > > >himself.
> > > > > The man replied, "Well your
> Honor, it was like this:
> > > > > When the lady got on the bus,
> I couldn't help but notice her
> > > > >condition.
> > > > > She sat under sign that said
> > > > > The Double Mint Twins are
> coming" and I grinned.
> > > > > Then she moved and sat under
> a sign that read,
> > > > > "Sloan's Liniment will reduce
> the swelling" and I had to
> > > > > Then she placed herself under
> a sign that said,
> > > > > "William's Big Stick Did the
> Trick" and I could hardly
> > > > >myself.
> > > > > BUT your Honor, when she
> moved the fourth time and sat under
> > > sign
> > > > >that
> > > > > said,
> > > > > "Goodyear Rubber could have
> prevented this Accident". I just
> > > lost
> > > > >it."
> > > > >
> > > > > "CASE DISMISSED"
07-09-02, 10:26 PM #69
Got this one from a squid I met...
Betsy Sue Jim Bob's cousin Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad, but lemme check somethin'. Roll him over.' So the mortician rolled him over, and Daryl looked and said, 'Nope it ain't Bubba.' The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over'. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you be so sure?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two ---holes.' 'What?? He had two ===holes?' said the mortician. 'Yup, everyone in town knew he had 'em. Why, every time WE went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ===holes.....'
07-10-02, 02:45 AM #70
You Have Been In The Philippines Too Long When....
You are freezing and it's 75 degrees outside.
You don't answer to "Joe" and your name is Joe.
Your speech is marked by such expressions as, "I'll have a Fepsi" and "My dog has please."
You can eat balut without throwing up.
It doesn't bother you to walk in a bar with a P.C. standing ouside with a loaded gun.
You can't remember what a bathtub looks like.
You think a luxury hotel is one with a seat on the toilet.
You have a hard time understanding English.
You think that 10 pesos is too much for a beer.
You think a hot water faucet is a decoration.
You think the phrase "Rapid Transit" refers to a Philippine Rabbit Bus.
You'd rather eat fried fish than steak.
You tie a gecko to your bed to control mosquitoes.
You know all the words in the P.I. National Anthem.
You always eat rice instead of potatoes.
Your tan is darker than the locals.
You go to USO shows because you like them.
Stateside beer tastes funny.
You think of retiring there because you like the place and it's cheap.
07-10-02, 06:39 AM #71Jim CGuest Free Member
Privacy....a thing of the past, get a load of this!
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING..........!!!
THIS IS SHOCKING!!!
You should check out this site.
Did you know that you can see anyone's Drivers License on the
Internet including your own?
Where it asks what state - put your city and gender.
I'm not sure I like this info out there for anyone to access. DOES THIS BREACH
THE PRIVACY ACT OR WHAT?
Now this is going toooooo far. Jim
Check it out
07-10-02, 07:24 AM #72
Jim I fell for it cute.
Sgt G.A. Blake
Marine! the title says it all
07-10-02, 08:23 AM #73
BOTTLE OF WINE
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his
> > regular
> > table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all
> > alone. He
> > calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of
> > Merlot to
> > be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his.
> > The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman,
> > saying
> > this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and
> > sends a
> > note over to the man.
> > The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
> > Mercedes
> > in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in
> > your
> > pants."
> > The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his
> > own back
> > to her, and it reads: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari
> > Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have
> > over
> > twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman
> > as
> > beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. SO JUST SEND THE
> > BOTTLE
> > BACK."
07-10-02, 02:17 PM #74
Quiet thoughts for meditation.....
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going
to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you
can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening--until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them,
you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink
beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot
of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and
a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped
on our ass ... then things get worse.
07-10-02, 02:19 PM #75
Don't feel bad, Gary...
One of our local Gunnys sucked me in. I hear JAM was quite impressed, also! LOL
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