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  1. #7471
    Twelve thoughts to ponder today......

    12. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway...

    11. Life is sexually transmitted...

    10. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die...

    9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks...

    8. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

    7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...

    6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again...

    5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism...

    4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

    3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...

    2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...

    AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

    You read about all these Terrorists that came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visa some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration & Homeland Security...


  2. #7472
    A little boy and his grandpa were sitting in a boat fishing. After a few minuets the grandpa pulled out a beer. The little boy whispered..
    "Hey grandpa, no one's around can I have some?"

    The Grandpa thought a moment then said, "Well, does wee wee reach your butt?"

    "Umm..no."

    The Grandpa smiled, "then you can't have one."


    Later on the Grandpa lit up a ciggarette. The little boy asked again, "Hey Grandpa, no one will ever find out, can I try it?"

    The grandpa replied, "Does your wee wee reach your butt ?"

    The boy frowned, "No."

    "Then you can't try it."


    The Grandpa was feeling quite proud with himself when the boy pulled out a package of fresh baked cookies. He felt like he had earned it so he said to the boy, "Hey sonny pass one of those over here."

    The boy sat for a moment looking at the bag, then smiled and said, "That depends, does your wee wee reach your butt ?"

    The Grandpa laughed and said, "Why yes it does."

    To this the boy replied, "Then you can go screw yourself, cause Grandma made these cookies for me!"



  3. #7473
    A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

    The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say good bye to my mother."

    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"


  4. #7474
    Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a

    beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping

    stops. The others look at him curiously.

    "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of

    my arm."


    A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm

    to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone.

    I have a microchip in my hand."


    The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.

    In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending

    from his a$$. The others raise their eyebrows.

    "I'm getting a fax," he explains.


  5. #7475
    A 47-year-old man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He really likes it. He was heading toward McDonalds when he stopped and asked a man, "excuse me for asking, but, what age do I look like?" The man says, "To me, you look 35." The guy says, "Really! I'm actually 47!" and walks to on.

    Once he gets to McDonalds, he asks the orderer the same question. The orderer says, "To me, you look 29." The guy says, "Really! I'm actually 47!" and then leaves.


    At the bus stop, he asks an old lady the same question. She says, "I'm 87, my eye sight isn't that well. Although, I can tell your age by having my hand down your pants for 10 minutes." The guy sees no one around and says what the hell and lets her...


    ...after ten minutes, she takes her hand out and says, "Alright, you're 47." The guy is surprised and says, "WOW! How did you know?" The old woman says, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds."


  6. #7476
    The redneck application made me laugh so hard I had tears and stomach cramps!!!!


  7. #7477
    THINGS A FATHER WILL NEVER SAY * Well how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. * You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for non-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? * I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude. I like that in a young person! * Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!! * What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? * Your mother and I are going away for while. You might want to consider throwing a party.


  8. #7478
    Overdue Bill


    A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

    By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  9. #7479
    An Owed To The Spelling Checker

    CANDIDATE FOR A PULLET SURPRISE

    I have a spelling checker,
    It came with my PC.
    It plane lee marks four my revue
    Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

    Eye ran this poem threw it,
    Your sure reel glad two no.
    Its vary polished in it's weigh.
    My checker tolled me sew.

    A checker is a bless sing,
    It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
    It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
    And aides me when eye rime.

    Each frays come posed up on my screen
    Eye trussed too bee a joule.
    The checker pours o'er every word
    To cheque sum spelling rule.

    Bee fore a veiling checker's
    Hour spelling mite decline,
    And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
    We wood bee maid too wine.

    Butt now bee cause my spelling
    Is checked with such grate flare,
    Their are know fault's with in my cite,
    Of nun eye am a wear.

    Now spelling does knot phase me,
    It does knot bring a tier.
    My pay purrs awl due glad den
    With wrapped word's fare as hear.

    To rite with care is quite a feet
    Of witch won should bee proud,
    And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
    Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

    Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
    Such soft wear four pea seas,
    And why eye brake in two averse
    Buy righting want too pleas.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #7480
    Owl Calling



    "Each evening birdlover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

    "My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

    "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

    Then it dawned on them.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #7481
    The Owl and the Cow


    An elementary school teacher, it is said, received this report from one of her young students:

    The bird I am going to write about is the Owl.

    The Owl cannot see at all by day and at night is as blind as a bat.

    I do not know much about the Owl, so I will go on to the beast which I have chosen to write about. It is the Cow.

    The Cow is a mammal. It has six sides: right, left, upper, and below. At the back it has a tail on which hangs a brush. With this it sends the flies away so they do not fall into the milk.

    The head is for the purpose of growing horns and also so there will be someplace for the mouth to go. The horns are to butt with, and the mouth is to moo with.

    Underneath the Cow hangs the milk. It is arranged for milking. When people milk, the milk comes, and it never runs out. How the Cow does this I do not know, but it is true.

    The Cow has an excellent sense of smell. It can be smelled from far away. This is the reason why there is lots of fresh air in the country.

    The Man Cow is called the Ox. The Ox is not a mammal.

    The Cow does not eat much, but what it eats it eats twice, so it will get enough to eat. When a Cow is hungry, it moos. When it is quiet, it is because its inside is all filled up with grass.

    The Cow usually sleeps all night, so it never sees the Owl. I haven't seen one, either. But I have seen a Cow.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #7482
    Pack a Parachute




    A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

    The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

    "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

    After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #7483
    The Packing Slip




    This packing notice was included in the packaging of a SCSI drive
    shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana.

    IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE!

    Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device
    that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service,
    except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical
    bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:

    PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE
    YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU
    UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH
    THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A
    POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON
    "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
    RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
    FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

    We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
    always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out
    that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six
    days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to
    assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean
    nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:

    1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

    The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping
    People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing
    boxes.

    PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE
    BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE
    THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

    Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof
    of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously
    considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had
    consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he
    decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida
    Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

    WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR
    ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE
    PEANUTS.

    If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are
    missing one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the
    chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved
    Eastern Europe.


    Besides the device, the box should contain:

    * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
    * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer
    grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

    YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
    cable.

    IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
    your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't
    make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at
    Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody
    cares, that's why."

    WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret and not
    Pete.

    2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

    The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
    electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in continuing
    effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical
    current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-
    Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the
    Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug
    Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of
    Chocolate.

    DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

    Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct
    sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

    WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
    SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE
    YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

    3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

    WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE
    ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN
    JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY
    PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO
    JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

    INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our
    advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the
    battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a
    large occurrence! However. If this in not trouble, such
    rotations a very maintenance action, as kindly (something)
    virepoint from Drawing B.

    4. WARRANTY

    Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not
    excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied
    against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur
    between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which
    time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the
    device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves
    and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.
    This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

    WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY
    PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  14. #7484
    The Pager




    A mother takes her 5 year old son with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They get into line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business outfit complete with a pager. As the mother waits patiently her son looks at the women in front of him and observes loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's fat." At which the lady looks at the boy, makes eye contact with the mother and gives an understanding smile. The mother quietly reprimands her son. After a minute or two the boy spreads his hands as far as they will go and loudly says, "I bet her butt is *that* wide." At this the lady glares at the little boy and his mother and the embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple of minutes the boy states loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turns and tells the mother to control her rude child and the mother threatens him with his very life and existence. Things in the bank are quiet. The lady gets to the front of the line when her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone at which the little boy yells in panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your life Mom, she's backing up!!!!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #7485
    Paid by the Week




    A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

    "I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

    The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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