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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
03-26-04, 06:23 AM #7426
On the First Day of Christmas, I Nearly Broke My Neck...
Over the long Thanksgiving weekend I was tasked with bringing the Christmas decorations up from the basement and trekking the Halloween/Thanksgiving decorations back down again. During one trek down the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, I slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on my behind. My wife yelled, "What was that thump?"
"I just fell down the $%^&*( stairs," I explained.
"No, I'm fine."
There was just a slight pause before I heard, "Oh, that's good. What about my decorations? Are any of them broken?"
03-26-04, 06:24 AM #7427
1 in 360
During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through, we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed us, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."
"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.
"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has to be right."
03-26-04, 06:24 AM #7428
The 100GB Bug
EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG
Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.
As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB.
McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two numeric places.
This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.
The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.
"The people who know (the sign-makers) are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."
03-26-04, 12:00 PM #7429
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his
eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of
water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room as sees that it is
in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is
on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,"Son,
what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke
some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - PRICELESS
03-26-04, 01:04 PM #7430
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,"So,how's your breakfast this morning?"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY Jelly."
by: Dr. L.Kransdorf,Detroit,Mi.
03-26-04, 01:17 PM #7431
more doctor humor
A nurse was on duty in the ER, when a young woman entered with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing.It was quickly determined the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.When she was completly disrobed on the operating table,the staff noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,"Keep off the grass."Once the surgery was completed,the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,which said,"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
03-26-04, 03:11 PM #7432
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune....
"One U.S. Marine is better than ten Iraqis." The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then silence.
The voice then calls out... "One Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis." Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Marine's voice calls out again.... "One Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis." The enraged Iraqi commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander...
"Don't send any more men.... it's a trap.... there's two of them!"
03-26-04, 04:28 PM #7433
Two old men feeling they are close to their last days on earth decided to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them". These two are so old and drunk they won't know the difference." The two men go up the stairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first one says,"You know, I think my girl was dead!""Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?""Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.."His friend says, "I think mine was a witch." "A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?"! "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window.
03-26-04, 09:17 PM #7434
U.S. Air Force Oath of Enlistment
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I'm too smart for the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes,
chairborne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work (unless someone is watching me and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.
I consent to never getting promoted (EVER) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will probably outrank me tomorrow.
So help me God.
U.S. Army Oath of Enlistment
I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual...er...I mean Boot Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart.I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working in construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
So help me God.
U.S. Navy Oath of Enlistment
I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.
I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and
head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and
everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will
muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hrs every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."
So help me Neptune.
U.S. Marine Corps Oath of Enlistment
I, state your name, swear... uuhhhh... high-and-tight...
cammies... uhh... ugh... Air Force women... OORAH!
So help me Corps.
03-26-04, 09:29 PM #7435
A Sgt.Major of Marines retired after 30 years of service to his country. He was not married except to the Corps,hence he was lonely in his retirement years.So he decided to take some of his savings and buy a chicken farm. He had white chickens,black chickens,red chickens and brown chickens. It was allot of work but the Sgt.Major was still lonely.Not quite ready to bring a woman unto his watch,he decided to buy a parrot to keep him company. He taught the parrot everything about his beloved Corps. He taught him how to talk,and the UCMJ,General Orders,Close Order Drill,Customs & Courtesies,Uniform Regulations....the list was endless.The Sgt.Major was running low on supplies and had to go into town.He told the parrot that he would be gone a couple hours and that the parrot was on guard duty until his return.The parrot saluted and said'" Aye,Aye Sgt. Major." Well,the Sgt. Major left to go get supplies,and upon his return he found his farm yard scattered with dead chickens.But he only saw the black chickens,white chickens and red chickens. This was puzzling to him and he went to the chicken coop and saw his parrot choking the chickens and throwing them into the barnyard saying,"When I say fall out in khakis,I mean fall out in F**king khakis."
03-27-04, 06:14 AM #7436
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
03-27-04, 06:29 AM #7437
A grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter. The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour. However it took the old man two days to assemble the toy.
Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.
03-27-04, 06:29 AM #7438
On the Tarmac.....
One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are cleared for takeoff."
03-27-04, 06:30 AM #7439
One Thing I've Learned in Life is ...
~~~ One Thing I've Learned in Life is... ~~~
(A Laugh-A-Lot.com Original!)
...if at first you don't succeed, look in the wastebasket for
the directions. - Tim, Age 26
...the older I get, the smarter my parent's get. - Janetta, Age 31
...never to beam down to the planet if you're wearing the red
shirt! - Chris, age 37
...breath in, ...breath out... - Kevin, Age 34
...there's nothing better than to be loved. ...well, maybe
eating chocolate! - Vivien, Age 42
...the only person I have to be better than, is the person
I was yesterday. - Debbie, Age 37
...don't let a restaurant serve your food cold. - Ellen, Age 39
...never to let your kids find out your age. - Barrie, Age 41
...becoming an adult was painful -- Being an adult is the BEST!!!
- Robert, Age 52
...the guy at the door of Wal-Mart DOESN'T say that to everyone.
- Alan, Age 28
...OLD is always at least 15 years more than my current age.
- Saucke, Age 42
...that computers can always crash and make our lives miserable.
- Shewolf, Age 36
...some things never change, some things should be changed, some
things can't be changed, and sometimes after you change things,
you wish you hadn't! - Doreen, Age 34
...if you ever get in a fight with a woman, plead insanity.
They will not argue with that. - Kevin, Age 15
03-27-04, 06:30 AM #7440
On Time for Church
A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.
Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently,
"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before!"
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