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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
11-07-03, 06:51 AM #5011
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives
steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with
three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a
success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are
awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department
directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport
with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other
snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in
obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using
countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand
how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in
failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety.
Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills
snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how
Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force
Marines: kills snake. Continues original mission.
11-07-03, 06:52 AM #5012
"Black and White Poem"
(Under age 40? You might not understand)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go;
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."
Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June;
It felt so good. It felt so right,
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys;
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too;
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white,
Everything always turned out right;
Simple people, simple lives...
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen;
Too many murders, too many fights,
I wanna go back to black and white.
In God they trusted; alone in bed they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept;
They never cussed or broke their vows,
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be,
In a TV town in '53;
It felt so good. It felt so right,
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight;
To when everybody knew wrong from right,
Life was better in black and white!
11-07-03, 06:53 AM #5013
The retired Marine officer had been out of military service for several years.
He had established a furniture store in in home town and was doing quite well.
He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he knew no one else in town carried.
He scheduled a buying trip to France.
The Marine's first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture back home to the USA, he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe.
The place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table.
Just about the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her face. He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes." The girl sat down with him.
The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of French. He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word of English. He had an idea. He took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a question mark.
She nodded her head "yes."
They sat quietly enjoying their wine. When it was just about finished, the Marine realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the street to a very nice restaurant.
They went in. The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet corner where they could hear the band playing and see the dance floor. The Marine could not read the menu since it was in French, so he allowed the girl to order for him.
The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it. After dinner, the Marine took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played, whether fast or slow.
When the band quit playing and began to pack away their instruments, the couple returned to their table.
The girl took a napkin and reached for the Marine's pen. He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a four poster bed.
To this day the Marine officer is still wondering how she knew he was in the furniture business!
11-07-03, 06:54 AM #5014
Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:
"This really works! Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"
11-07-03, 06:54 AM #5015
A True Story)
I took my young son to the doctor for a routine physical. All the way I had to reassure him that he would not be getting a shot. He went through his eye exam, hearing test, etc. The nurse came into the exame room and started to ask me routine questions. When she got to "Is he allergic to anything" my four year old son stood up and said " YES, I'm allergic to shots!"
11-07-03, 06:55 AM #5016
A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.
"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight ?"
The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."
11-07-03, 06:56 AM #5017
All-Purpose Apology Form
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,
Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
e) Left arm
was severely damaged by my
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated
How could I have known that the
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) Patriot missile
I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is
true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with lightbulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans
You must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent
carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to
e) pay for
and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know
that you are perfectly within your rights to
a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond
but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had,
joshing around at
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail
and to remember that I am first and foremost your
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.
I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I'm going to use again on someone else.
(your name here)
11-07-03, 06:56 AM #5018
All Trick And No Treat
As part of its new disaster recovery plan, this Australian company takes out a lease on a secondary site about an hour outside of town from its headquarters, says an IT consultant hired to advise the company.
"The place was perfect," the consultant says. "It was an old warehouse that had been converted into offices and a call center. It had everything, and the owner was happy to sign a long lease, as the property had sat vacant since the dot-com collapse."
Six months later, the company is ready for a trial run of its disaster plan and invites the consultant back to watch the drill.
"Everyone turns up at work and is told that due to 'biowarfare,' the office is unusable for the foreseeable future," he says. "Everyone grabs what they can, then climbs onto a bus and heads off to the country."
An hour and a half later, the bus pulls up at a lovely piece of land, vacant except for some construction machinery.
"Where's our secondary site?" the company CIO chokes out.
"The site was sold two months ago," workers tell him. "We're just finishing the leveling."
"What about the furniture and equipment inside the old building?" asks the CIO.
"It was all just bulldozed into the landfill at the back of the lot," the crew's foreman says.
After another long bus ride and several days of witch-hunting, the truth comes out.
"A junior accountant had been given the job of looking for wasted expenditure and had come across the lease on the secondary site," says the consultant.
Since the company had no business out that way and the site did not produce any income, he had deduced that it was a wasted expenditure and had the lease cancelled.
The owner of the site had then, in disgust, sold the property.
That accountant is still looking for gainful employment.
11-07-03, 06:07 PM #5019
A Lot of Good.....
Coming out of church, Mrs. Smith asked her husband, "Do you think that Johnson girl is tinting her hair?"
"I didn't even see her," admitted Mr. Smith.
"And that dress Mrs. Davis was wearing," continued Mrs. Smith, "Really, don't tell me you think that's the proper outfit for a mother of two."
"I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said Mr. Smith.
"Oh, for heaven's sake," snapped Mrs. Smith. "A lot of good it does you to go to church."
11-07-03, 06:08 PM #5020
The Altruistic Barber
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay
for the haircut but the barber refused saying "you do God's work."
The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber
refused payment saying "you protect the public." The next morning the
barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused
payment saying "you serve the justice system." The next morning the
barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.
11-07-03, 06:08 PM #5021
The Amateur Photographer
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."
11-07-03, 06:09 PM #5022
Announcement from the Pulpit
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
11-07-03, 06:09 PM #5023
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages.
"Momma, look what I found", the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"
11-07-03, 06:10 PM #5024
The Ancient Castle
A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I do."
11-07-03, 07:27 PM #5025
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal?"
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you
want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for
Miss America? (especially appropriate today)
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been
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