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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
09-30-03, 07:15 AM #4321
Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams
The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
A harp is a nude piano.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
09-30-03, 07:16 AM #4322
Happy As A Clam
Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that molluscs reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.
Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.
"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time," Abrahams said.
Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favourite rock station but they were playing Rockabilly which I absolutely detest.
So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects.
He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding clams and other molluscs large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste.
I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air.
The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.
09-30-03, 07:16 AM #4323
A trio of old veterans
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be
the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
09-30-03, 07:17 AM #4324
I don't remember
An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.
"The food and service were great!" he said.
His friend asked, "What's the name of the place?"
"Gee, I don't remember," he said, "What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?"
"You mean a rose?" asked his friend.
"That's it!" he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"
09-30-03, 07:18 AM #4325
Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
09-30-03, 06:34 PM #4326
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the
hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous
twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle
tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the
other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.
That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging
at him, and he couldn't move.
"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services
today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one
wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me.
That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped
its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet:
"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."
09-30-03, 06:38 PM #4327
Tick - Tock
There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock" over and over.
After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of
An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do.
The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, "Tick...Tick...Tick..."
The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you iss so schmart! But I'm telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"
09-30-03, 06:39 PM #4328
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
09-30-03, 06:39 PM #4329
Enemies in the West
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."
09-30-03, 06:40 PM #4330
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
09-30-03, 06:42 PM #4331
Everyone Repeat After Me
1. "I won't get bad luck, lose my friends, lose my mailing lists, hear any music or see a cool pop up screen if I don't forward this.
2. Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me and Ford will not give me a 50% percent discount even if HAVE forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people.
3. I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coke-a-Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to 10 people who don't know who the devil I am anyway.
4. I will NEVER see a pop up window if I forward this. NEVER!!!!
5. My phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward this.
6. There is NO SUCH THING as an Email tracker, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people.
7. There is no kid with cancer through the Make-A-Wish program in England collecting anything. He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and doesn't want any more postcards, calling cards or get-well cards! (His garbage pick-up fees are through the roof from sacks of mail.)
8. The government does not have a bill in congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail.
9. There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this.
10. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.
11. The American Red Cross will not donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of-before disease for every email address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don't donate!
12. And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend or by telling me I have no conscience or don't believe in Jesus Christ.
If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it along. Even if it does come by e-mail, HE will send me one at which point I'm SURE I will know it will be from HIM. AND if He does, I'm sure He will care enough to delete all those annoying forward's in it!"
09-30-03, 06:42 PM #4332
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.
Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If
you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and
exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!
09-30-03, 06:43 PM #4333
The things you learn at the movies
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. Even a bad German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10-01-03, 06:34 AM #4334
I am a very nervous flyer. During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by turning off the lights.
A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned overand said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about the engines."
10-01-03, 06:35 AM #4335
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "
Me, too", said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.
"Me neither, let's just lay here and
bask in the warm sun", said the second.
"OK" said the first.
They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up.
As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I love baskin' robins."
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