Chuckles of the Day... - Page 263
  1. #3931
    A missionary suddenly realized that the one thing he hadn't yet taught the natives he served was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

    The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

    The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

    Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

    The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief, "Riding a bike."

    The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

    The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other. "How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands.

    "My bike," the chief replied.


  2. #3932
    A woman rushed into the beauty salon, and quickly sat down
    in the empty chair by the hair stylist. She exclaimed, "I've been
    so busy, I don't know which end is up"! The hair stylist replied,
    "Please hurry up and decide. I am getting ready to cut your
    hair!"


  3. #3933
    Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a police officer for causing a commotion. The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage. The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."


  4. #3934
    Dog in heat

    A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

    The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."

    Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

    Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

    The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #3935
    The pet parrot

    A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

    She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.

    Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a *****house. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."

    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

    The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

    A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new *****s."

    The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new *****s. Hi George!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #3936
    A Graduate Student in Psychology

    A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

    She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

    Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

    After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

    To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #3937
    Business partners

    A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

    The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

    "You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

    "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

    "Well" says the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

    The man below says, "You must work in business."

    "I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #3938
    Revenge

    In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

    The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

    After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

    The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

    Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  9. #3939
    Poets

    500 years ago in an ancient pub two of the worlds greatest poets sat, ROBERT BURNS and WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. they were to have a contest to find out which one is better at telling stories. They were to use the word TIMBUCTU in a sentence.

    They drew straws to see who would go first. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE win and goes first. "I traveled through the far and distant sands, to observe the ever soft and shifting sands, a foreign vessel loomed into view, it's destination TIMBUCTU!"

    ROBERT FROST was next: "TIM and I a hiking we went, spied 3 maidens in a tent. They were 3, we were 2. I BUCKED ONE AND TIMBUCTU!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #3940
    At the Gas Station...

    My husband and I were in the car heading home from a weekend trip out of town.

    We needed gasoline, so I stopped at a gas station just off the highway and maneuvered up to a pump. On this particular pump there was a hand written sign placed there by management that read, "This pump is very slow."

    Just below this message, some joker had added, "My name is Forest... Forest Pump."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #3941
    Before you Leave

    A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

    Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #3942
    The Gift

    A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

    "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

    All my love.

    P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #3943
    A Good Weigh

    On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."

    So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

    Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.

    Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

    Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

    Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went.

    "Wousy!" Rose replied.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  14. #3944
    Office Gags

    Office work dull?...None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?

    Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You
    can award yourself extra points for creative execution.


    ONE-POINT GAGS

    Run one lap around the office at top speed

    Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no Player' must be in the bathroom at the time)

    Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

    Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"

    To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

    When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"

    Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"

    Walk sideways to the photocopier.

    While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.


    THREE-POINT GAGS

    Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

    Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"

    Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)

    Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).

    Shout random numbers while someone is counting.


    FIVE POINT GAGS

    At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

    Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

    For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

    Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

    After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

    While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

    In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and utter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

    At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".

    In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

    Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

    Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

    Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

    Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

    Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #3945
    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband
    is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to
    look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table
    with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in
    deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he
    wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
    "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into
    the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
    The husband looks up from his coffee.
    "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,
    and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
    "Yes I do," she replies.
    The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
    "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat
    of my car?"
    "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a
    chair beside him.
    The husband continues.
    "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and
    said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20
    years?"
    "I remember that too," she replies softly.
    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says,
    "I would have gotten out today."










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